


Caution: Don't Fall

by Jadders92



Category: No Offence (TV)
Genre: Crime Drama, Crimes & Criminals, Desire, F/M, Flirting, Friendship, Gen, Help, Love, Manchester, Mutual Pining, Need, One Night Stands, Police, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Serial Killers, Sex, Trauma, Veterans, Want, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 51,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25789048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadders92/pseuds/Jadders92
Summary: Staff Sergeant Alice Mitchell is back from the war, the last thing she needs is to get involved in any kind of action or fall into any complicated relationships. Introducing, Randolph Miller...Following Series 1 of the brilliant series, No Offence.
Relationships: Randolph Miller/Original Female Character, Randolph Miller/Original character, Randolph Miller/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 4





	1. Be Gentle

First time Miller saw her, he didn’t think anything of her other than she reminded him of Tegan, she was slender, smiling and far too young for the eyes she had. She couldn’t have been much older than thirty, maybe mid-twenties, but her sharp hazel eyes had clearly seen things she’d rather forget. She tied her dark blonde hair up into a messy bun and walked with purpose towards Viv’s office. Miller couldn’t help but notice her tight black jeans amplifying her lower body, he quickly made himself scarce and headed back to Bailey Street to finish up on the last case, he was far too unfocussed to be thinking about these things at work.

Miller had been wandering around the mortuary looking for something interesting to do, when the phone call from his oldest friend came in. 

‘Viv, what can I do for you this time?’ He swivelled on his heel, noticing something of immense interest to himself and possibly Dinah. 

‘Miller, I’m sending over our new officer,’ she said, with an easy attitude as she always did. ‘Alice Mitchell, she’ll be helping you tidy up whatever mess you’ve got going on down there with the phone wires from that last case.’

‘It’s almost done Viv, as per usual, most of the handy work was done by yours truly-‘

‘He’ll pick you up in a couple of minutes, love.’ Viv suddenly said and Miller groaned internally and figured it was something to do. He could hear the sounds of the new recruit leaving the boss’s office and heading out. ‘Miller, be gentle, right?’

‘Be gentle?’

‘She’s just back from Afghanistan,’ Viv shut him up instantly. ‘The woman’s only twenty-seven, far too young to have seen the things she has, but she was bloody good at her job… she was honourably discharged.’

‘PTSD?’ Miller leaned over the body of the little Chinese woman from a car crash. 

‘Among other things.’ Viv confirmed. ‘I’ve been praying for an officer like her for a long time, so do me a favour and don’t fuck this up, she’s only there to observe and lend a hand when needed. Don’t scare her off with your usual twattery.’

‘Message received.’ Miller said and hung up the phone. 

He thought for a few minutes on what the woman might be like, coming to almost no conclusion other than he felt immensely sorry for her and left the mortuary.

Miller swung by Friday street to see the same woman from that morning waiting on the corner, that must have been Staff Sergeant Alice Mitchell. As the van pulled up, he could see she had an incredibly innocent looking face, one that made his heart hurt for the experiences she must have had.

He slid the van door open, startling her slightly, he noticed her fists clenched momentarily, remembering what Viv had said about being gentle. Time to turn on the charm. 

‘You must be the wonderful enigma, known as Staff Sergeant Alice Mitchell.’ Miller internally rolled his eyes thinking he was being a bit much. But she smiled and approached him anyway.

‘Just Alice is fine,’ her voice was harsher than it should have been, not loud as such, but one that had been used for shouting and possibly screaming. ‘You must be Miller?’

‘That I am. Randolph Miller Head of the science department over at Bailey Street. Hop in, I’ll show you around.’ Miller moved out of the way so that she could take the seat opposite him, which she did with surprising grace for a soldier. He tapped on the glass behind him and they drove off. ‘So, Viv tells me your just back from Afghanistan? Still a shithole?’

Her smile was amazingly easy, she even gave a small chuckle, adjusting her long grey coat as she looked down at the ground. ‘That’s one word for it. Not the picturesque place Manchester is anyway.’ Ah, so she had a sense of humour, one that Miller liked.

‘Oh yeah, it’s all five-star hotels and a peace-loving community around here, even the rats like a bit of democracy from time to time.’ Miller watched her smile turn into a proper laugh, one that made him suddenly hypnotised by her carefree features, her jaw was smooth and led down to her perfectly-shaped chin that sat below rosy lips, her nose was small and cute in a way that had Miller panicking. She was incredibly cute and very pretty. ‘Anyway, enough of the foreplay, let’s get right down to the good stuff.’

‘Ready when you are.’ She encouraged and it was so the wrong thing to say to him at that moment. 

Miller swallowed thickly and suddenly caught sight of Dinah walking along the pavement. He got the van to slow down and opened the door, making sure the horn was beeped to get her attention.

‘We’re just off to Bailey Street Mortuary, someone just in you would not believe.’ He called out, he could see her intentionally ignoring him, clearly she needed some cheering up, same as him. ‘No, Dinah love, your jack plug’s hanging, darling.’ He watched her internally groan and discover the same thing for herself. The van stopped, Miller hopped out and gestured for her to hop in. ‘Right, stick your thingy’s on lads, disco for this one, I think.’

Miller shut the door to the van, sitting back down in his seat, he could see Dinah asking who the woman next to her was with her eyes and smiled. 

‘This is Staff Sergeant Alice Mitchell, new to your department and a very highly-regarded sense of humour, should bode well for you lot.’ Miller introduced the angelic figure next to Dinah, who smiled.

‘Just Alice is fine, I’m not in the army anymore.’ Alice said, shaking hands briefly with Dinah.

‘Dinah Kowalska, welcome to the team.’ Dinah said politely. 

Miller just watched Alice for a moment, deciding that he was in real trouble and tried to focus on the little Chinese woman who had just come into the mortuary. The van got them there in good time and Miller went about telling Dinah the worst part about the woman was her history of gastric infections all stemming from her constant ingestion of dog semen. Dinah was immediately repulsed and wanted to throw up, but Alice just looked repulsed and laughed with him. 

She seemed to listen to him intently, laugh at his flamboyancy and asked all the right questions. Dinah was more concerned with another body when Miller noticed Alice scratching at a spot below her collarbone, it looked like a bullet wound. 

‘Miller.’ Dinah snapped him out of his trance and went to see what she wanted.

They needed to get back to Friday street asap. Alice kept up with Miller and Dinah and started to make the same connections that they did upon discovery that several downs girls had gone missing and turned up dead. She gently took the flyer for another missing girl and said she could help clear the image up, but the numbers would be almost impossible to make out. 

Miller watched her lips move and his mind became more scattered than before. He quickly looked away before anyone noticed and pretended his mind wasn’t drifting as it so often did these days. 

‘Right, go with Miller and get that image cleaned up, I need to talk to Joy.’ Dinah said and much to his surprise, Alice just nodded and looked at him expectantly. 

Dinah left and Miller just gave a quick smile to Alice. ‘Right, let’s get you to a desk and show you what’s what.’

Miller spent the next few hours with Alice in his office going through the procedure for clearing up images, she was surprisingly quick with computers and he soon discovered it was because she specialised in the bomb squad, never quite qualified, but she did all the training and spent her fair share of time disarming explosives and dealing with computer systems.

‘Why didn’t you qualify? If I may be so bold as to ask?’ Miller asked, sitting on the edge of his desk, while she took his usual chair, he was a gentleman after all. 

‘I was discharged before I completed my final assessment.’ Alice said, quickly and got back to work.

‘Say no more, I know a sensitive subject when I see one.’ At least he made her half laugh about it. ‘But for future reference, what is said in this office, stays in this office, just if you ever feel like getting anything off your chest, yeah?’

Alice looked up at him with her sharp eyes and scanned his face, possibly looking for a lie or any form of mistrust. ‘Thank you,’ she breathed, before clearing her throat. ‘I appreciate that.’

‘Good.’ Miller nodded, smiling. ‘Now, onto much more important business, how do you take your coffee?’ Alice laughed and told him, he was glad to see someone who had clearly been through hell and back, laughing. It took a while and almost nothing could be done about the number, but Miller found Alice to be more and more alluring the longer he spent with her. 

He accompanied her the briefing room where Dinah was presenting the case to Viv, he offered her the chair next to his and quickly introduced her around the room, Joy knew she was the new officer and promised to show her the desk she’d be operating from, Miller made a mental note to listen for where she would be stationed.


	2. Setting Terms

There had been an escalation in the case, Viv had gone to find Cathy Calvert and I was confused about why McLaren was in the building.

‘How are you settling in, Alice?’ He asked me, I sat at my new desk, sitting in direct sunlight which I liked, it was close to Tegan’s who had been exceptionally nice to me the second I walked in and introduced myself. She told me she wanted to join the army so she could show all the lads up and I had to laugh, thinking that she would definitely put them through their paces.

‘Yeah, good, everyone’s been very welcoming.’ I nodded, keeping it vague like I’d been taught. 

‘Good, I’m glad to hear it.’ McLaren stepped a little closer and it made me slightly uncomfortable. ‘If there’s anything you need, you’re very welcome to come and see me.’ He said it a little quieter, but there was something I didn’t trust in his eyes. Miller had said something similar and I could see he meant every word, he wasn’t saying it with any agenda other than genuine concern, whereas McLaren had something else he wasn’t saying and I didn’t like that.

‘Will do.’ I nodded and smiled, just to put an end to the conversation. McLaren gave me a quick nod and wandered away towards Viv’s office. 

I glanced over at Tegan who frowned in question, I liked her and something told me she was a good person, but I didn’t know any of these people very well just yet, so I needed to be careful about what I said. I was supposed to be starting over, this was supposed to be my opportunity to do something else with my life.

I got on with the work I had been assigned to do and tried to trace Cathy’s last known movements, before Deering walked in and went off on one with McLaren. I heard her saying to Joy to ignore McLaren and move everyone into their first positions. I wasn’t ready for field work just yet, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed getting myself acquainted with the computer systems that I would be working with. However, I was getting a bit stuck.

‘Miller.’ The friendly and familiar voice answered.

‘Hey, it’s Alice.’ 

‘Alice, love, what can I do for you?’ 

‘I just need a bit of help with a couple of the programmes, I need to find some information on the last known movements of Cathy Calvert, but I’m struggling a bit.’

‘And I was your first phone call, I’m flattered, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were flirting.’ I could hear the sounds of him moving about in his office and couldn’t help but laugh.

‘If that’s what you choose to interpret my asking you for help because everyone else is busy, then so be it.’ I laughed, trying not to draw too much attention to myself.

‘In that case, I’m on my way over anyway, but I’m sure I could make time for a woman in need.’ I could hear Miller standing up and grabbing his coat and within fifteen minutes he was dragging a chair over to my desk.

I just smiled and showed him what I was trying to do, he was generous with his time and even wrote a cheat sheet for using the missing person’s database and searching through the records to save time, just while I was trying to get to grips with everything. He helped me figure out where Cathy was last seen, before moving onto what would probably be the next task which was to gather CCTV footage, I liked watching him write, his handwriting was scrawled, like he was used to writing very quickly, but it was still legible.

‘Right, anything else I can help you with, while I’m currently at your service?’ He said, watching me with those blue eyes. He had to have been a good few years older than me, but he was smart and funny and kind to me, exactly what I liked in a man, he was also incredibly intuitive, if not a little flamboyant and eccentric, something else I liked in a man. I swallowed and felt my face flush a little red as I realised what was happening.

‘Erm, no, I think that’s it for now.’ I looked back down at the assignment in front of me.

‘Aright, well here’s my mobile number anyway, in case you need anything else.’ Miller quickly wrote his mobile number down on a piece of paper and folded it over. ‘If I don’t answer, I’m probably taking a nap on a slab or in the middle of a lap dance.’

I half laughed, taking the number, but there was something of the truth that coated his words. There was something more to Randolph Miller than what he showed on the surface.

‘Mitchell, Miller, briefing.’ Joy said on her way past my desk. 

It was only then that I realised both Miller and I had been closer than we intended, I could smell the coffee he’d been drinking and I really didn’t mind. We both took a deep breath and got back to the reality of where we were.

Once again, he offered me the seat next to his, but he didn’t look at me as frequently as he had done in the last one, I handed over my findings to Joy and Viv gave me an encouraging nod as I sat down.

I liked the way Viv spoke, she was direct and to the point, unapologetic and took no shit from anyone. I knew I’d like working for her, because she was also considerate, she understood that I wasn’t ready to go out and do anything that involved getting into fights or getting seriously overwhelmed by the real world.

Once the briefing was over and we all knew what we needed to do next, Viv said. ‘Oh and charm, charm, not coercion, we sure as shit haven’t got time for warrants.’ I looked to Miller who was looking directly at me for a moment, before smiling and turning away. ‘Alice, my office in two.’ Viv called out and I worried for a moment that I’d done something wrong on my first day. 

‘I’ll take care of the CCTV for you.’ Miller offered. ‘Should only take a couple of minutes while you’re in there.’ He held out his hand and I passed him the file.

‘Thank you, Miller.’ I nodded as we left the briefing room.

‘No thanks needed. Consider this a favour, now you owe me one.’ Miller winked and smiled his charming smile, making me chuckle as he sat down at my desk and began work on the CCTV. I walked into Viv’s office and waited.

I hadn’t realised I was standing like a soldier until she pointed it out.

‘At ease.’ Viv chuckled as she entered her office. ‘You can relax, I’m not your commanding officer,’ Viv shut the door behind her and gestured to the seat on the other side of the desk. ‘I just want to talk to you about your morning with Miller.’ I swallowed, worried for what she was going to ask. ‘He wasn’t an arsehole, was he?’

‘No.’ I sighed in relief that it wasn’t a more uncomfortable question. ‘No, he was very nice, a bit of a flirt, but I figure that’s default for him so I didn’t mind.’

‘You didn’t mind?’ Viv raised her eyebrow. ‘You’d be the first.’ She laughed. ‘I only ask because he’s going through the shit as well, I didn’t want him taking it out on you and scaring you away before you even got through your first day here.’

‘You think I could be scared away by someone like Miller?’ I teased.

‘No chance, but I can’t risk it.’ Viv smiled, but had a more serious tone to her. ‘I don’t know what it’s like to have done the things you’ve done, I don’t understand what it is to feel the way you must feel right now, but I do understand that you were a damn good leader out there and that’s what I need. I need people who are willing to do the dirty work, the hard things that no one else would dare, I need your skills here on the home front… but I’m not stupid, I know it won’t happen overnight, it might take weeks, months, years, I’ll wait. I will wait for you to tell me you are ready.’ I swallowed nervously. ‘The only thing I need from you right now, is honesty. You tell me when you’re having a shit day, when you can’t come in, you tell me without reason and I’ll not ask for one. But you need to tell me, otherwise I can’t understand and the big, bright future I envision for you will be a pipedream. And I don’t like pipedreams.’ Viv suddenly smiled again. ‘Agreed?’

‘Agreed.’ I nodded, knowing Viv was a woman I could definitely trust, she was the whole reason I was here, her father hand picked me as someone he could take care of should I ever make it home and Viv was no different. Viv would do right by me, I was sure of it.

‘Good.’ She sat back. ‘Now tell me the truth, Miller taking your fancy?’ I felt my face flush red. ‘Oh don’t, I’ve seen that look a thousand times and not just on you. No one else has seen it, but if you want to keep your lustful intent to yourself, you’ll do something and quick.’

‘What?’

‘Well, I don’t know, either shag him or tell him to fuck off.’ And just like that the Viv I loved was back and I was no longer uncomfortable. ‘Just don’t fucking fall for him, he’s a bastard at the best of times and not the long term type.’ I couldn’t help my chuckle.

‘I wouldn’t worry too much about that, I’m not the type either.’ I said and stood to leave.

Miller was on the phone when I left Viv’s office and gestured extravagantly that the work was complete, before wandering off to finish the phone call. I sat down to see that Miller had completed most of my work and left a note saying he could hardly do all of it for me and a list of things I had left to do.


	3. Settling In

Miller didn’t mind finishing off her work for her, he didn’t have much to do that day and it was clear that Alice was a woman who was still trying to get to grips with being home and away from war. 

By the time he saw her again, it was late in the day, she looked tired and they were trying to figure out where the best place would be for the bodies to be disposed of was along the canal. Alice was reading out a list of things found inside the bodies and he knew the list reminded him of something. He leaned over her shoulder, not quite meaning to get so close, he could smell her coconut shampoo and read the list for himself while everyone else reeled out some information that may or may not have been useful. 

Miller had a brainwave and decided to use the opportunity to show off. He zeroed in on the exact spot that would explain the iron filings found in the lungs and where the current would be strong enough to carry a body.

‘I don’t care what they say,’ Viv said, with Alice smiling at him next to her. ‘Sometimes you really are nearly worth every penny.’ She then started shouting out orders for everyone to follow. The team dispersed and Alice was left not quite knowing what to do. ‘Miller, make sure Alice gets home tonight. You’ve done a grand job, time to rest up and get ready to do it all again tomorrow.’ Viv winked at her and Miller nodded, watching as Alice’s cheeks flooded pink. 

It was just the two of them left alone and Miller wasn’t quite sure what to do.

‘Right, well, off we go.’ Miller clapped his hands together and followed her out to grab her coat from the back of her chair. ‘This is a good spot, this.’ He commented. 

‘What?’

‘You’ll see the sunset, if you stay late enough.’ Alice looked out of the window and Miller could have kissed her there and then. The light hit her face in the most alluring and stunning way, it made Miller’s chest ache, he looked away and closed his eyes for a moment, just refocusing himself before he turned back to see her shutting down her computer.

They wandered out of Friday street and he hailed a taxi for them both. 

‘Out of interest, how long have you been in Manchester?’

‘Erm, a week, maybe.’ Alice hugged her coat tighter to her body. ‘Why?’

‘Any interest in seeing the five-star city, you’ve landed yourself in?’ Miller smiled, hoping she would say yes and much to his delight, she laughed and agreed. 

He took her to his favourite Thai restaurant upon discovering she hadn’t eaten Thai food for nearly eight years. She loved the food and loved it when he encouraged her to try something else, she drank a little wine, but didn’t go overboard and he desperately tried to drink at the same pace she did, before needing to drink water just to slow down enough. 

Her bun was loose and her dark blonde hair had a few strands out of place, framing her face, he’d rolled his sleeves up and made sure they were both comfortable before asking any serious questions.

‘Right, so come on, spill the beans,’ Miller said, watching her calm down from laughing at whatever she had found funny. She was relaxed and leaning back against the wall next to their table, her eyes were a little heavy from the alcohol, but she was just as sexy as she had been that morning. ‘Divorce and my inability to be a generally acceptable human being is what fucked me up, what about you?’

Alice didn’t shut down, like he thought she would, she just watched him for a moment and assessed him. He liked being under her gaze, it somehow made him feel normal for a few moments. ‘A classified operation that I wanted no part of from the very beginning, went wrong.’

‘A classified op, eh? Tell me everything.’ Miller teased, making her giggle, though he suspected it was the wine more than anything. ‘I take it, it was bad?’ He asked a little more seriously, she just looked up at him, water forming slowly in her eyes.

‘Yeah.’ She breathed. 

Miller nodded, not pressuring her to say anything else. ‘Have you spoken to anyone about it?’ Alice frowned. ‘Sometimes it helps, not all the time, but it’s always worth a try, might help you feel normal for a while.’

‘Why can’t I just sit here and talk shit with you instead?’

Miller could tell she hadn’t quite meant to say it the way she did, that gorgeous pink flush ascended up her neck, she tried to hide it, but it was too late, Miller could already feel himself wanting to kiss that flush and feel the heat of her skin against his mouth. 

‘If it helps, we can do this more often.’ He told her gently. ‘You only have to call me, love, I’ll be ready to take you out to a good Japanese place next time, five-star.’ Alice finally laughed again and bit her lip gently. 

‘I will definitely be taking you up on that offer.’ She said through her smile. 

Miller only then noticed the cute dimples on her cheeks when she was trying not to smile too widely, it was adorable and an incredible turn on that he didn’t want to be known to her just yet. 

‘So, why Manchester? You’re from the south right?’ Miller poured her some water to cool her cheeks a little. 

‘It’s just where I was sent.’ She shrugged and leaned forward on the table. ‘I spoke to my commanding officer who wrote a recommendation, I got passed around a bit before getting a phone call from Viv, McLaren wanted to meet me, but I preferred the feel of Friday street, more my style.’

‘Well, I’m glad she did phone, let me guess, she’s got a big, bright future planned out for you?’ Miller watched her frown. ‘Viv is good at spotting them, the really good ones, she always gets in there first, brings them into the fold. It’ll be a bit bumpy in the beginning, but she’s fucking great at her job, so don’t give up on us too quickly, yeah?’

‘I won’t.’ Alice promised and smiled at him. He felt a heat rising in his own cheeks that he wasn’t terribly proud of.

‘Right, let’s get you home before we both can’t see straight.’ 

Miller paid the bill after convincing her that this was his welcome to the city dinner and promised she could get the next one, he had no intention of letting her pay for anything, he knew her salary and he was on three times that, despite not looking like it. 

Alice directed the taxi back to her flat, which was in the shit end of town, he almost hated it and if he’d been a lesser man, he would have told her to stay at his instead, but instead he walked her up to her front door and said goodnight. He kissed her cheek, innocently, but it was enough to make her flush red and try to hide it. It only occurred to him at that moment that she may have wanted him to continue, if that was the case, she only had to say and he would have given her whatever she wanted at that moment.

Over the course of the next few days, Miller noticed she settled in quickly with the team, getting especially close with Tegan and was surprised to find that she wanted to hang out with him more and more. He took her to a couple of bars and the Japanese restaurant he had previously mentioned. She was a great laugh, she had a spikey attitude and shut down more guys in the bars than he could count. 

Alice told him she couldn’t stand guys her own age, none of them had any real life experience that compared to hers and while they sat at dinner in the Japanese restaurant, both of them having had a single glass of wine over what they agreed to drink, he decided to ask the question.

‘So, what kind of guys do you like?’ Miller sipped his recently filled glass and waited for her to respond.

‘I think you probably know the answer to that.’ She smiled back at him, her eyes holding his gaze, indicating exactly who she was talking about. 

‘I don’t like to presume.’ Miller confessed. ‘You want to come back to mine?’ Miller knew that the wine was to blame for how bold he was being, but Alice didn’t seem to mind, she said yes, he paid the bill and they got a taxi back to his place. 

It was clear that Alice hadn’t seen this part of town and Miller decided to distract himself from the nervousness he felt by pointing out a few places she may not have known about. He unconsciously managed to scoot closer to her, feeling the side of his body pressing against hers. 

It was a cool night and he liked the warmth she was emitting, her face glowed in the streetlight as they got out of the taxi outside his house. She held her long grey coat tighter around her body and for a moment he observed the way her body naturally sat. He paid the taxi fare, not letting her even suggest splitting it, before gently placing his hand on her lower back and guiding her to the front door.

Miller lived in a two storey townhouse that was far too big for just him, but he used a lot of the space for his books, collections of various things and a spare room that never got used for his daughter. She never visited, but he always kept the room spare for her, just in case. 

They got inside and the hallway was pitch black, Miller locked the door and put the light on to reveal the slightly messy hallway, he was momentarily embarrassed, but again, Alice didn’t care. He took her coat and hung it up next to his, turning to see her face once again glowing in the dim light.

Miller didn’t feel much like hesitating any longer and instead stepped towards her, sliding his hands slowly over her jaw as she naturally tilted up for him. Her lips were impossibly soft and tasted only of wine, her hands placed themselves on his waist and he felt just a little self-conscious. Miller wasn’t the picture of health or fitness, but he never thought that would matter until he found himself kissing a woman fifteen years younger than himself.

He continued to explore her mouth, listening to her body and her soft sighs as he became slightly more adventurous, he didn’t want to go too far, but he was excited to find out what she liked.

Miller dragged his lips over hers, his hands drifting down her body lightly and the most beautiful whimper left her throat. Miller smiled and knew exactly what he wanted to do. He pulled back gently to look down at her face, her eyes were heavy and her lips were that perfect rosy colour that he often imagined them being after he kissed her.

‘Here’s your chance to back out,’ he said, quietly. ‘If you’re having second thoughts.’

Alice smiled, those gorgeous dimples appearing on her cheeks and Miller prayed she left his sight if only for him to watch that smile for as long as he wanted. 

‘Take me to bed, Miller.’ She told him, half laughing at his gentlemanly intent.

‘Whatever the lady wants.’ He smiled, kissing her again, suddenly realising how much he hated doing anything else. 

He led her up to his bedroom which wasn’t exactly tidy, it was clean enough, but he never bothered to put stuff away when no one ever saw the inside of his place. Thank fuck he’d put new sheets on recently though. Miller put the lamp on, knowing the bulb in the main light needed changing, Alice just watched him from the door and suddenly Miller realised just how nervous he was, even with three or four glasses of wine in them both. 

He felt his resolve fail him, stepping towards her and kissing her more harshly than before, only getting a light groan in response. He wanted to taste more of her, feel more of her body in his hands, but it seemed he wasn’t alone in that fact. Alice threw his tie somewhere behind him and started on the buttons of his shirt. Miller couldn’t believe this was really happening, couldn’t believe that the young, sexy new officer, who could have shagged anyone from the bars they went to, was actually in his bedroom, trying to get his clothes off as eagerly as he was stripping her.

Her light, cream jumper came up over her head, just as she manged to get the last button of his shirt undone. Miller took half a step back to give her some room, but stopped when he saw what she was keeping tucked away beneath her jumper. Her body was toned, built for physical fitness, for war. She had a couple of small scars littered around, nothing too bad until his eyes landed on the bullet wound he’d caught a faint glimpse of before.

Alice wore a black, lace bra, one that he knew he’d love the feel of and desperately wanted to touch. Her hips were the perfect shape and he knew they would be moulded to his hands, he wanted to hold her close and fuck her senseless, he wanted to kiss every part of her body and listen to her screaming his name.

‘Miller?’ Alice was frowning, his eyes suddenly found hers and he realised he was just staring at her instead of actually doing anything. He could see the panic in her eyes, she must have thought he hated her body, but it was exact opposite. ‘We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.’ She said, his chest hurting far too much.

Miller stripped his shirt off, throwing his glasses to one side and pulled her body closer, kissing her hard, showing her exactly what he thought of her body. It took her a moment to understand, but as soon as she did, she sighed into his movements. He dragged his mouth down her wonderfully soft jaw, her neck and ran his tongue over her collarbone. He brought his hands down her body, kneading the flesh and soon began work on her tight jeans. If the rest of her looked as good, he was doomed.

Miller liked the way her hands delved into his hair, telling him when he was doing something she enjoyed, when she needed him to go lower, when she was getting desperate for something a little harsher. He liked her other hand drifting over his shoulders, just hanging on while he devoured her, they made him feel strong and so often with Miller, that wasn’t the case.

He spun them around until the back of her knees found the bed, he wanted her jeans off before he lay her down, he wanted to see all of her in the yellow light of his room. Miller brought his lips down to her stomach, kissing over the soft skin and listening to her whimpers and sighs, only turning into small moans when his teeth scraped the inside of her hips. He finally managed to get her out of her jeans and saw that her thong matched her bra, black and lacy and fucking gorgeous.

‘Fuck me.’ Miller breathed, standing up and looking down at her.

‘That was kind of the idea.’ She bit her lip and sent a bolt of something hot through his body. 

Alice reached up and took her bun out, dispensing with the hair band on the bedside table and Miller froze to the spot. Her dark blonde hair cradled her face and lay delicately over her shoulders, she was a fucking angel he was sure of it, one that deserved every piece of him that was good, not that he had many pieces left, but she could have them all if she wanted them.

Her legs were strong, like she was accustomed to running fast and over long distances, there were a few more scars on her legs, but again nothing that suggested she was anything other than fucking beautiful. Alice just watched him this time and smiled, waiting for him for finish ogling her.

Miller breathed a laugh and stepped towards her slowly. ‘This is your last chance to tell me you don’t want to do this, love.’

The dimples were back and making his knees weak. 

‘If you don’t get those trousers off now and get me shagged, I’ll leave on the grounds that you rejected me.’

‘Oh, I could never.’ Miller half laughed and kissed her with more passion than lust, but he blamed his weakening knees for that. He felt her hands at his belt buckle, eagerly trying to undo it and once again, he realised just how excited he was to be with her. 

Miller felt her shoving his trousers down and suddenly she was kissing his chest, his stomach, his hips and he could hardly keep his breathing steady if she was about to do what he thought she was. She pulled his briefs down just enough to release the pressure that was building and suddenly the most wonderful sound came from her chest. A groan as her lips connected with the tip of his cock. Miller looked down and watched her tongue come out to lick the precum, her eyes shot up to his and he thought he would lose all control of himself there and then. He breathed steady and just tried to maintain his composure and Alice wrapped her mouth around him, doing things he could only dream about previously.

Miller couldn’t help himself, he ran his hands through her soft hair and he’d never seen such a pretty sight in all his life. ‘Wait.’ He breathed, unable to find his voice just yet. Those dimples were about to disarm him and he needed a distraction, he turned away and just tried to regain his breathing. ‘Fucking hell, love, I was willing to take my time, but if you want this done in two minutes, you carry on.’ Miller ran his hand through his hair and listened to her chuckling as she stood back up, kissing up his stomach and chest lightly. 

‘Take all the time you want.’ Her voice was low and inviting, welcoming and heavy. 

She unclasped her bra and threw it to the side, he didn’t dare look down just yet for fear he would come undone there and then. Miller could see her lips were red and slightly swollen, something that gave him immense satisfaction and made her lips incredibly smooth to the touch. 

Miller didn’t want her to wait any longer for him to calm down, he gently pushed her back to lie down on the bed and got rid of his trousers that had been around his ankles almost the whole time. The only thing she wore was her black, lacey thong, her breasts were full and soft and he wanted to press his mouth to them, taste the nipple and make her groan out his name. 

Miller lowered his body down over hers and kissed her harshly, he could feel the warmth of her body, her soft skin on the inside of her legs as he began moving to her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, his tongue tasting every part of her skin he could reach. Again her fingers pressed into his shoulders and his scalp telling him exactly what to do, how much to give and where she wanted him to go next. 

Alice’s breathing became jagged and stuttered as Miller reached her chest, he took his time, kneading the flesh, flicking his tongue around the nipple and was surprised to find that she more than enjoyed it, this must have been a huge turn on for her and he wanted to exploit the shit out of it. 

Miller took her whole nipple into his mouth and felt her back arch, her fingers pressing deeper into his shoulders and a heavy sigh leaving her throat. He kept up his movements and sure enough those magic words were spoken. ‘Fuck, I’m gonna come.’ She managed to get out. Miller didn’t stop, he continued to work until he her body shook and she moaned out. ‘Fuck, yes, Miller!’ 

It was almost enough to make him lose himself again, but he wasn’t anywhere near done with her. Miller kissed back up to her mouth, listening to her half laugh as she came down from the high. 

‘As fun as that was,’ he said between kisses. ‘I still have to repay the favour from a few moments ago.’

‘Fuck.’ She smiled, still breathing heavily.

‘Don’t worry, angel face, we’ll get to that bit soon enough.’ He growled into her neck, smelling the coconut shampoo and enjoying the way she moved beneath him. 

Miller kissed back down the other side of her neck, he hadn’t initially intended to stop at her other breast, but when his unshaven face scraped across it, she let out another deep sigh and he couldn’t resist. He repeated the movements from the other breast until she was once again coming for him uncontrollably, before descending lower, kissing her stomach, her hips and remembering how much she enjoyed it the first time round. Miller peppered her hips and along the hem of her thong with harsh and intense kisses, forcing her to get ready for what he wanted to do next.

He slid her thong off and the sight of Alice Mitchell, laying completely naked on his bed, having come twice already with a flush that said she was ready for more, was the single most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Miller kneeled down on the floor and kissed up her inner thighs, he could feel the small, soft bumps of the odd scar here and there, but not a single one put him off. 

Finally, he could feel the heat of her against his mouth and took a moment to feel her hips beneath his hands, the way she was crooning for him to kiss her, moving her hips closer to his mouth. He could easily have made her wait, teased her, made her beg for him, but Miller wasn’t in the right mindset to make her beg for anything when he was the one needing her this much. 

Miller listened to her body, he did everything he could to make those euphoric and dizzying moans force their way out of her chest. He felt her hand twisting in the sheets on one side and the other was holding his on her hip. For whatever reason, Miller had moved slightly so that her fingers entwined with his as she finally came, groaning out his name once again.

‘Fuck, yes, yes, fuck, Miller, yes.’ She laughed and he desperately wanted to have that sound play back over and over every night for his pleasure. 

He slowed his movements and let her come down slowly, before gently kissing his way back up her body, much to his surprise, once again, Alice kissed him immediately, tasting what was left of her on his tongue and around his mouth. Miller groaned, usually he’d have to pay someone to do that, but here was a woman who wanted it as much as he did and was more than willing to play the game with him. 

Miller couldn’t wait much longer, he didn’t want to stop kissing her, but he couldn’t reach the drawer from where he was. He was slightly annoyed when he pulled away to grab a condom from the top drawer of his dresser, but Alice just smiled and those dimples made it all worthwhile. 

‘Fucking hell.’ Miller breathed and looked down at her for a moment. Alice just continued to smile as he slid the condom down and slowly climbed back on top of her. He lined himself up and finally felt how tight she was. Miller gave them both a moment to breathe, just to adjust to what was going on. 

‘Are you okay?’ She whispered, next to his ear, he could hear the smile. 

‘Fucking right.’ He whispered back and started to move slowly, making them both groan against each other. Fuck she was the fucking perfect shape. 

Alice held his hips, wrapping her legs around him, changing the angle for them both, it was far too good for Miller to be able to keep it up for long. Lucky for him, Alice gestured for him to lie down so that she could climb on top of him. Miller thought he was ready, thought he’d seen the sexiest thing in the world when she was beneath him, but he was wrong. Alice on top of him, using his cock however she wanted to make herself come, that was the sexiest thing in the world.

Miller just watched her for a while, her eyes closed as she moved her hips against him, all he could really do was run his hands over her thighs and encourage her to just do whatever she wanted. 

‘That’s it, love,’ he panted. ‘Just keep going for me.’ She did exactly that and suddenly her body was shaking again, she clenched tight around him, Miller needed to breathe deeply and slowly just to stop himself coming too soon, he wasn’t ready to stop this just yet. It was obvious she was exhausted, she’d already had a few drinks, it was late and Miller had made her come four times now. It was a record for him, but he wondered if it was for her as well, maybe that was a question for another time.

Miller let her rest against his chest for a moment or two, dragging his fingers through her hair, kissing the top of her head and listening to her struggling for breath. He hadn’t realised that his hips were lazily moving inside her, until she laughed and pointed it out.

‘How do you want me?’ Alice whispered against his lips, he gave her a light kiss, gently massaging her scalp, feeling her soft hair between his fingers, knowing that her arms were far too shaky to hold herself up for much longer, but he wasn’t sure he could resist the idea of being behind her, watching her arse bounce off of him. 

‘Face the mirror for me.’ He whispered back and felt her smile again. 

Alice did as she was told and lay down on her side, showing him just what he’d been missing out on, her arse was about as cute as he thought it had been in those jeans he’d seen her in, the first day they met.

‘Well, this won’t take me long.’ He chuckled, kissing her shoulder as she guided him into her. The angle was something else entirely, he was reaching a depth he was unsure any other woman had, he looked up at the mirror to see she was watching him and he really didn’t mind. 

Miller began moving inside her, his arms wrapped around her warm, welcoming body and he couldn’t bring himself to turn away from her. He held her hips and thrusted harder and faster until he was there. He hadn’t quite meant to bite into her shoulder, but the groan she let out was enough to send him over the edge. He came hard, thrusting throughout, just trying to make it last as long as possible, until finally he began to slow down, letting her squeeze every last good piece of his being out of him.

Miller panted hard and let his forehead rest against her shoulder for a moment, her body was relaxed and he wanted her to stay. He didn’t want her to have to worry about getting a taxi home or catching the last bus, he wanted her to stay in his bed until the morning light came streaking through his windows. 

‘Stay the night.’ Miller whispered, softly kissing the spot below her ear, something she was enjoying immensely.

‘Are you sure?’ She said, sleepily.

‘Go to sleep, love.’ He kissed her cheek and watched her eyes drift firmly shut. Fuck, even with her eyes closed, she was so fucking beautiful. 

Miller didn’t want to leave, but he needed to clean himself up, her skin was cooling as she began breathing softly, so he pulled the quilt up to cover her. He quickly went to the bathroom and disposed of the condom, noting how long it had actually been since he had sex with anyone that turned him on that much. 

He leaned over the sink and ran the cooler tap, hoping it would cool him down somewhat. Miller looked up at his face in the mirror and suddenly felt incredibly shameful of himself, was that really what he looked like? How could Alice stand him with the way he looked? He was more than fifteen years older than her, his hair was almost entirely grey and white, his face was unshaven and he had the beginnings of some deep aging lines around his eyes. Surely she could have found someone better to hang out with.

Miller tried not to think too hard on himself, he splashed his face with some water and wandered back into the bedroom, half expecting her to have disappeared, but there she was, tucked beneath the sheets, just about asleep and looking exceptionally pretty in the yellow light. Fuck it, he’d just had the best shag of his life, he wasn’t questioning it any further until the morning.

He climbed into bed and felt her immediately move towards his body, he was again surprised, but he didn’t refuse, he just wrapped his arms around her cooler body, turned the light off and replayed every moment of the evening over and over again.


	4. Normal Life?

I woke the next morning, wrapped in Miller’s warm arms and couldn’t help but smile. I’d had good shags before, ones worthy of remembrance, but something about how intuitive he was to my bodies needs had him standing head and shoulders above all others. 

I took in a deep breath and it was enough to get Miller to wake up and roll onto his back. I did the same and looked over at him, he was handsome in an unconventional way, but I honestly didn’t care what he looked like, he was such a nice, kind, funny, smart and sexy man that I’d never wanted so much in my life. 

‘Morning love.’ He said sleepily. I just chuckled and looked up at the ceiling. Without realising it, I had pulled the quilt up to cover myself. ‘No need for that shit, I’ve seen it all already.’

I laughed and loosened my grip on the quilt as Miller moved to prop himself up on his elbow and look at me.

‘Can I push my luck and ask if you want some coffee?’ His blue eyes scanned over my face and I could see clear as day he was memorising me, as if he had no intention of continuing on.

‘I would,’ I swallowed. ‘But it’s getting late and I need to head back to mine before work.’

I couldn’t quite decipher if it was disappointment in his expression, but it definitely wasn’t joy. 

‘Fair enough.’ Miller nodded. ‘You want me to phone you a taxi while you get dressed?’

‘If it’s okay?’

‘Course it is.’

I leaned up to kiss his cheek and felt the stubble that reminded me far too much of the previous night, before sliding out of his soft bed to find my clothes, I managed to get them all while Miller rung a taxi, except my jeans.

‘At the end.’ He pointed at the end of the bed. He sat up with the quilt over his knees and his upper body bare. I could just about remember the way his skin felt beneath my lips and I wanted to kiss it again and again. I swallowed, trying to refocus on what I was doing, he definitely noticed and grabbed his glasses to look at me properly. ‘Alice?’

‘Hmm?’ I knew full well my cheeks had gone red as I pulled my tight jeans back on, but it didn’t stop me from turning to see a smile forming on his face. 

‘Nothing.’ He said, still staring at me. ‘Just wanted you to look at me.’

I couldn’t help but laugh, trying to figure out what I did with my hairband when I suddenly remembered something. ‘What was the angel face thing?’ I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching him suddenly look a little embarrassed and amused at the same time.

‘Cos you’ve got the face of an angel, pure and simple, no other reason for it.’ Miller scanned his eyes over my face with another smile and I sort of loved it. 

‘Okay, I’d better go.’ I said, hearing a car pull up outside. ‘I’ll see you soon, Miller.’

I went to get up when he suddenly stopped me. ‘If erm… if this were to… I don’t know what you think, but… Miller just seems a bit formal.’ He suddenly looked unsure of what he was saying. ‘Actually you know what, it doesn’t matter, I can’t stand my name anyway.’

I quickly checked to make sure I had everything, before smiling at him. ‘As long as there’s a next time, I’ll call you whatever you want.’ I winked and watched his expression change from uncertainty to pure joy and excitement. He started chuckling to himself and I decided to leave before the taxi drove off without me.

Walking into work to find that Dinah had let Cathy move into her spare room was the last thing any of us needed. It put the whole case in jeopardy and that was exactly how McLaren saw it as well, he had taken over the case and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

Viv gave me a sympathetic smile as I turned over everything I had on the case to the man with the box.

‘Really sorry about this,’ he said, he had dark curled hair, shaved sides and if I’d been any other woman, I probably would have fallen for his dark eyes on sight, but I wasn’t and I didn’t. ‘McLaren is a good man though and he just wants to do what’s best for the girl.’ I just nodded and scanned through anything I else I had on the case. ‘Listen, I don’t normally do this, but I was wondering if you’d like to get a drink with me tonight?’

‘No thanks.’ I sighed and handed over the last of the case files. 

‘Oh… right well, what about tomorrow?’

‘It’s not the time that I’m saying no to,’ I sighed again. ‘I just don’t want to get a drink with you.’

The man who’s name I’d completely erased from my mind upon hearing it then scoffed and dumped the box with the others. ‘Do you know how many women I refuse every night? How many girls would feel lucky to go out with a guy like me?’

‘Well go and ask one of them out then.’ I was starting to lose patience. ‘Tegan, what’s this?’ I said, completely ignoring the man who was presumably still trying to talk to me and heading over to Tegan’s desk. 

‘Dead on arrival,’ Tegan said, looking solemn. ‘I would take the report down to Miller, but I don’t think I can face that guy today.’ 

‘It’s okay, I’ll take it for you.’ I said, feeling her pain. 

‘Thanks, Al.’ She breathed a sigh of relief. ‘So did that guy just ask you out?’

‘What?’

‘That guy who was clearing your desk, he’s alright, in’t he?’

‘He was disgusting.’ I laughed. ‘Not even remotely my type I’m afraid, but feel free to jump him yourself. As he was keen to tell me many women would be lucky to have a guy like him.’

Tegan immediately turned her nose up and laughed. I went to leave, seeing Miller rolling his eyes at a guy who was trying to clear his desk. 

‘Miller.’ I called and approached him, cautiously. He looked at me and his expression softened somewhat. ‘Tegan needs an analysis on her dead on arrival.’ He gently took the report and frowned.

‘Why couldn’t she give this to me herself?’

‘In her words, she couldn’t face you today,’ I sighed. ‘I think it was a hard one for her to see.’

‘I won’t make the obvious joke,’ he said, making me smile. ‘But today of all days wouldn’t have been a bad one for her to ask me for something, I’m in a fucking great mood.’

‘Oh yeah, I heard you got laid last night.’ I teased, wandering away just a little. ‘Hope she was worth it.’

‘Too right, she was a fucking godsend.’ Miller laughed, making several people around him shake their heads, I just rolled my eyes, shaking my head, pretending not to know who he was talking about. It felt like a mutual agreement to try to be professional at work and not let onto the fact that we’d slept together.

I continued to help Dinah and Joy hand over the rest of the stuff to McLaren and the next thing I knew, Joy was being sent to take shit from McLaren. Viv ushered me into her office where almost all of the team were gathering around a computer and Jonah had a camera pointed through a wall.

‘Erm… what’s going on?’ I frowned. 

‘McLaren’s looking at possible suspects in the Cathy case,’ Viv briefly explained. ‘This is intelligence gathering.’ 

I chuckled and positioned myself to get a look at the computer screen.

‘But that’s a list of Jocelyne Wade’s clients, what’s he looking at that shit for?’ I asked.

‘A very good question, they’re just horny bastards, nothing to do with the case.’ Viv agreed.

There was a sudden knock at the door and Viv shut them down. 

‘Only me ma’am.’ Miller.

‘He’ll have the results from the dead on arrival.’ I said, making Viv sigh and gesture for me to let him in.

‘Yeah, amber alert from the poisons unit er-‘ Miller strolled in suddenly spotting me while everyone else was making themselves look scarce. ‘Oh, hello angel,’ he winked, again making me roll my eyes and shake my head. ‘Er, Stuart and Tegan accompanied and sudden death down to st Michael’s…’ Miller briefly read out his findings in the new case and handed me the case file as he explained that there were chemicals on the street that shouldn’t be.

Connie then interrupted and told us that the mother was trying to report him missing. Viv, Dinah and I went down to see her and allowed her to say goodbye to her son, before rallying everyone to figure out where this stuff had come from.

A meeting in the women’s bathroom later and we were looking at Sandy street. During the few days I had to settle in, I read some old case files that Viv let me take a peek at and Sandy street seemed to ring a few bells.

Joy was the one gathering up enough information to get everyone up to speed and it was right in the middle lunch. Once again, Miller took the seat next to mine while I looked over the information I had in front of me.

‘Wotsit?’ He said and offered me a crisp, I just chuckled and popped one in my mouth, getting back to the file in front of me.

‘22 and 24 Sandy street, two semis that have been bought in the last twelve months, but they’re not semis, they’re a drugs lab.’ Viv explained the deal with the two houses and it was starting to come back to. ‘I want that kitchen closed… tonight.’ There was a mutual groan that went around the room, even I knew this was going to be difficult. 

‘Do we know what they’re making?’ I asked and that was Miller’s cue to tell us that they were making some form of jumped up Mket, which was bad enough, but Miller seemed to be under the impression it wasn’t actually ready for distribution yet, so why was it on the street? 

The two people who were responsible for the lab looked to be nasty little pricks, Joseph Raphael and Angelina Kostoros being the brains behind it all, hiding behind the façade that she was a supply science teacher, but with what she was packing in her bra, that was fucking unlikely by any stretch of the imagination. 

‘… goes into number 24 on her own, three minutes later, she at the upstairs window of number 22 with her baps out.’ Viv clicked through the intelligence photos they had of the two of them and we all let out a mild chuckle. ‘They’re not shagging at all.’ We all laughed at the evidence to the contrary and I liked listening to the sound coming from the man beside me, it was comforting. ‘So we know that the two houses are connected, but we just don’t know how.’

‘Yeah,’ Miller piped up after he calmed down a bit. ‘I’d like to introduce you to the shit button.’ He held up a small device with a big red button on it and everyone turned to face him to listen to what he had to say. He went on to explain that it’s in every drugs lab in a break glass in case of emergency situation if ever the police caught up to them. ‘…and believe me, if the button de shit is deployed, then for the little evidence you’ll get, you may as well do a couple of student flats on a Friday night.’ 

Viv turned everyone’s attention to Joy, Miller gave me a quick wink while he put away the shit button in his pocket. I tried not to smile and faced the front to listen to Joy, luckily no one noticed anything out of the ordinary. Joy went through a list of jobs that needed doing and Spike interrupted with a bit of good news. The connection between Kostoros and Raphael and how they came to do business with each other. Spike though that the best way to get them maximum charges would be to separate them.

‘Hands up who thinks separating Kostoros and Raphael is a dodgy move?’ Viv asked and a few people put their hands up. ‘Hands up anyone who that level of risk… is sexy?’ Miller put his hand up straight away, making me hold in a chuckle, before putting my own hand up along with everyone else.

We started getting ready to storm the kitchen, Viv called me into her office and I worried momentarily for why she wanted me this time. 

‘Right, Alice, time to put those brains of yours to work,’ she said and I had to smile. ‘We need to set up surveillance on those two houses, talk to Spike, get the photos of the surrounding area and let us know where best to put our eyes and ears.’

‘Yes ma’am.’ I nodded.

‘I’m not going to ask you to go in there, but I’m requesting two of the best to raid that place and get a hold of the twat that runs it.’ I was nervous for what she was going to say next. ‘You want a piece of that action? You let me know. As far as we can tell, he doesn’t have any firearms, no explosives and nothing but a couple of junkies in that place. I’ll take your answer either way, but it’s up to you, right?’

‘Right.’ I nodded, swallowing nervously. 

‘It’s just a raid, easiest thing you can do with boots on the ground.’ Viv assured me and I believed her when she said it was my choice, she wasn’t going to force me to do anything I wasn’t sure about.

I decided to ask Tegan, she was the one who was supposed to be going in to make sure the shit button was taken care of anyway.

‘To be honest, I’d rather have you backing me up than Tattoo,’ Tegan said, honestly as I sat back against her desk. ‘The woman’s mental and she looks up to Viv like she’s a god, I’d rather have a proper soldier coming my rescue than someone who wants to play hero.’ 

‘I’ve never met Tattoo.’

‘Trust me, it might be better that way.’ Tegan threw a case file she was uninterested in down on the table. ‘Look, I don’t want to be the one intruding and you’ve only to tell me to fuck off, but is it PTSD?’

I looked down at Tegan and saw the sincerity in her eyes, everyone in the office probably knew what and who I was by now, I was fast learning that secrets didn’t stay secret for long which was it’s own set of problems, but I knew if I was honest now, it would bode well for me in the future.

‘Among other things.’ I nodded. ‘I’d rather not talk about it though.’

‘No need.’ Tegan assured me. ‘But if you do fancy going for a drink and letting loose for a night or two, I’d better be your first call.’

I had to laugh and nodded, promising I would.


	5. Just A Raid

Miller wasn’t quite sure about Alice going into lead the team and asked Viv to accompany them to the raid, just to make sure she was okay afterwards.

‘You’ve become quite attached to her.’ Viv raised her eyebrows as they both got into the car. ‘Anything I should be aware of?’

‘Yeah, you may as well know,’ Miller sighed. ‘We’ve been spending a bit of time together, nothing serious though.’

‘Nothing serious?’ Viv started the car. ‘Is that why you call her Angel? Don’t think I didn’t notice that in my office, it might have gone over everyone else head, but I’ve got ears like a fucking hawk.’

‘Fox.’ Miller corrected her. ‘It’s ears like a fox and it was a slip of the tongue.’

‘I’m sure it was, how many had she had?’ 

Miller rather disliked the way Viv was behaving like his night with Alice was nothing more than a quick shag to tide him over. 

‘She stayed the night, Viv.’ Miller confessed and thanked whatever fucking God was watching over him that he put a seatbelt on. Viv slammed the breaks on and turned to look at him with a fury he’d not seen in a long time.

‘When?’

‘Last night.’ He didn’t bother lying, or even pretending like he didn’t know the shit he was in. ‘I offered and she said, yes.’

‘Fucking prick!’ Viv yelled. ‘Right, you had better fucking sort this or there will be hell to pay.’

‘Viv-‘

‘I don’t want to hear it! You’re giving that girl hope for something that you can’t give her.’ Viv was right and he knew that. ‘Is that why she said yes to the raid? Did you tell her everything was going to be alright?’

‘I didn’t find out about that until you said it half an hour ago.’ Miller made sure she knew he was telling the truth. ‘And by the fucking way, it takes two people to shag, so I better not be the only one receiving this delightful little chat.’

‘Fuck you, Miller!’ Viv took a deep breath. ‘Do you know how long it took me to find an officer like her? Too fucking long, my dad had his eyes on her the day she signed up to take bullets for us on the other side of the world, I haven’t taken my eyes off her since.’ Viv took another breath. ‘Make sure she knows how fucked up you are and if you have to go down this road… don’t get too serious, she’s just back from a warzone and we’re already asking her navigate a new one, don’t make things harder for her.’

Miller didn’t say anything, he half hated Viv for telling him the truth, but then he could hardly deny that it was in fact the truth.

They arrived at the safehouse garage and began setting up for the raid, Alice was with Tattoo getting to grips with the plan, before laughing at some joke they told. Miller tried not to stare and by the time Tegan had finished having a go about not getting to go in with Joy, he had something to distract himself with. 

He tried to be his usual crude and inappropriate self by telling Joy and Dinah he needed to fit their cameras, but somehow staring down at their chests just didn’t do it for him anymore. He knew Alice saw him ogling, but didn’t dare look back until he had to.

‘Where’s Tattoo? I need Tattoo.’ Viv broke up the shenanigans and sure enough, the two women from tactical support and Alice appeared at the garage door, suited and booted like a SWAT team.

Miller could see she wasn’t exactly hurt by his flirting with Joy and Dinah, but it had clearly has some kind of effect on her that he didn’t like. She stood the way soldiers stood when waiting for the next order, Tattoo handed her a gun that she immediately checked over, before attaching it to her body armour. Her sleeves were rolled up and he could see that this was the soldier she had been, tired, strong and serious about the mission ahead.

He’d completely missed Viv giving them a pep talk, but it was something about their honeymoon taking place at a firing range, something Alice clearly disliked. Miller just watched her refusing to take command of the team and instead following Tattoo’s lead. As far as he could hear she would be the last one in and would secure the perimeter of the lab, Alice nodded and put her helmet on as Joy and Dinah jumped in the taxi that Stuart was driving.

Miller sat down and observed what was going on with Joy and Dinah, he could feel Alice hovering behind him, getting ready to head in. 

‘Steady ladies.’ Viv said to Alice and Tattoo. 

‘The eggs are in the basket.’ Dinah said, showing them the shit button. Miller immediately turned to see Tattoo and Alice racing towards the house and breaking down the door. She was fucking good, the door was down, she moved around every corner with ease and grace. Raphael went down a hole behind the fridge and Alice barely hesitated and throwing her weapon to Tattoo and going in after him. 

By the time anyone got down there, she had restrained him and stopped the shit button being pressed.

‘Fucking hell, could do with you on every raid.’ Tattoo said, making her laugh. Miller could tell that she was incredibly relieved that it hadn’t gone worse and breathed a sigh of relief himself.

‘Tattoo,’ Viv got on comms after giving him a gentle nod. ‘Secure the suspect, you and Alice are not to leave his side under any circumstances, understood?’

‘Yes, ma’am.’ Tattoo replied.

Miller could see the slightly confused expression on Alice’s face, but she only let it distract her for a moment before she got back to work. He went to make sure everything was collected up from the lab and tried not to think about the woman still in the kitchen securing the suspect for them. Miller took note of everything until something started to happen.

Joy, Dinah, Tegan and few others came pouring out of the lab, something had been knocked and gas was leaking out of the house. He saw Alice racing up the stairs and out covering her face, before looking back. He couldn’t see Tattoo or the suspect and before anyone could say another word or figure out what had actually happened, Alice shed her body armour in one swift motion, grabbed something to cover her face and ran back into the house.

‘No! Alice!’ Miller shouted, Taz stopped him from running after her and all anyone could do was wait. 

One by one, Alice dragged the two women and Raphael up the stairs and out of the house, she went back in once more, presumably to check if anyone was left, before racing out of the door and collapsing in front of them, coughing heavily. 

Miller was the first one to drag her away from the gas and check she was okay. She was weak and coughing her lungs up, Viv had already radioed for emergency back up, but Alice was already starting to show signs of passing out, Miller removed the mask on her face, noting it was tight around her chin.

‘Stay awake, Alice, just stay with me, yeah?’ Miller cradled her in his arms, not giving a shit who was watching, but he needed her to stay with him, needed her to stay alive for him.

Fuck, he’d fallen for her. 

They managed to get to the hospital and by some miracle of miracles, despite being the most exposed, Alice was one of the least effected. The way she had covered her airways and held her breath for longer than most people could was a huge contributing factor. She needed to be tested and treated and Miller needed to work out what the hell it was that they were exposed to so he could help her.

‘She did us all proud, Miller.’ Viv said over the phone, while he was going through what they had collected at the lab. ‘She’s going to be fine, she just needs a couple more hours for them to finish treating her and then there’s nothing more they can do.’

‘She’s alright though, yeah?’ Miller needed to confirm.

‘Do us a favour, take her home and just make sure of it, will you?’ Was Viv taking pity on him? ‘They shouldn’t be left on their own while they’re in this state and Alice is high risk for a relapse.’

‘A relapse?’

‘Ruth’s words, not mine.’ Viv was getting impatient. ‘Just get down here and make sure she sees a friendly face to get her through the worst part, your boys can deal with the lab work, my priority is getting our women home safe and sound.’ Viv didn’t say another word, she hung up and Miller was left to rally his team together to find out exactly what it was they had been exposed to. 

Spike was helping out a few of the nurses when he arrived. ‘Miller?’ He frowned. ‘I thought you were supposed to be finding out what did this?’ He gestured to Tegan who was staggering around, looking half high, half like she was about to throw up. 

‘Yeah, find out what been and got me.’ She said, but was sound enough to realise she wasn’t speaking properly. 

‘Yeah, the boys are on it, should have the results in the morning.’ Miller tried to assure them, but he needed to know where Alice was. ‘Any idea where the hero of the hour might be? She was the most exposed, so I just want to check she’s alright?’

‘Oh aye?’ Spike smiled, a cheeky smile. ‘She’s got her own room up the corridor there, third on the left.’

‘You fancy her or summat?’ Tegan staggered, luckily Spike was on hand to catch her before she fell.

‘What? You think I’m going to mess around not only with someone I work with, but someone who is over fifteen years younger than me?’ Miller was aware he was getting overly defensive, but it’s not like he was in the best mind set anyway. ‘Get outta here.’ He said and wandered off down the corridor where it was absolute carnage. 

Miller eventually found the room that Alice was in, she was just wandering around in circles, probably sending herself mad.

‘Alice?’ Miller said, cautiously stepping towards her, she didn’t hear him at first, so he stepped a little closer towards her. ‘You alright, love?’

‘I can’t feel my tongue.’ She said, he could suddenly see her shaking and scratching hard at the spot below her collarbone where he knew her bullet wound scar was.

‘Hey, hey, you’re alright,’ he said, gently taking her hand away from scratching. ‘You’re okay, just sit down for a minute, yeah? Let me see you.’ Miller got her to sit down on the bed and felt her hands were clammy, she was sweating and her expression almost completely blank. ‘Dry mouth?’ He asked, noticing her cracked lips. Miller grabbed some water and helped her sip it. 

‘Thank fuck, you’re here.’ Ruth said, walking into the room. ‘You know how to work a syringe and an IV?’

‘Yeah, why?’ Miller frowned, Alice was completely blank and expressionless like she couldn’t think of a single thing. 

‘She won’t let any of us near her and she’s at risk of dehydrating, it was the first thing we needed to do for the rest of them.’ Ruth was clearly overwhelmed and swept off her feet. 

‘Alright, just leave the stuff and I’ll take care of it.’ Miller assured her, Ruth probably shouldn’t have left him to do this alone, but with the shit storm they created, he didn’t think anyone would take any notice. ‘Right, Alice, you’ll need to help me out here, love, you need to drink some of this, yeah?’

‘Why-?’ She sniffed. ‘Why-?’ She sniffed again. ‘Why, angel?’

Miller was at a bit of a loss, it seemed to be a genuine question, but he wasn’t sure what exactly she was asking. Her eyes were red and bloodshot and he didn’t know what to do for her, what she needed first.

‘I told you why.’ Miller frowned, but said nothing else for a moment. 

‘I’m not.’ She said, she looked like she was about to have a panic attack. ‘I’m not, I’m not, I’m not.’ She repeated over and over again before sobbing uncontrollably. 

‘Okay, okay.’ Miller tried to calm her down, he held her close to his chest and helped her start to breathe. ‘You’re alright, darling, you’re okay, you’re safe and sound now. I’ve got you.’ 

‘I’m not an angel.’ She said, calming down a little. Miller sat on the bed with her and held her close. ‘I’m not an angel, I couldn’t save any of them, I couldn’t do it.’

‘It’s alright, love, it’s alright.’ Miller stroked through her hair and kept her calm. ‘You saved a lot of people today, Tattoo, Joy, Dinah, Tegan and even that twat Raphael owes you one for dragging him out of his own kitchen. That was all you.’ He kissed the top of her head. Alice was still shaking and he knew he needed to get her on the IV drip before she ran into serious problems. ‘I think if you were to ask anyone, they’d say an angel came to their rescue and if you were to ask me what I got up to last night… I’d say the same angel came to mine.’ 

Alice was listening to him, loud and clear she could hear him. She didn’t say anything, but she was at least calm enough that he could attach the IV. She was quiet and calm and watched him move quickly to help her get better.

‘Right, you need to lie back on the bed for me.’ Miller told her and sure enough, she did exactly that. He injected the syringe as well and was met with zero resistance. ‘I’m just going to make sure you don’t need anything else, I’ll be right back, okay?’

‘Okay.’ Alice looked up at him with her sharp hazel eyes.

‘Will you try and sleep for a while? For me?’ Miller stroked her cheek and watched her eventually close her eyes completely. 

He went out to find Ruth who was dealing with a couple of patients who were being generally uncooperative. 

‘Any problems?’ She asked him.

‘No, she’s got the drip and she’s sleeping, she should be the same as everyone else in a couple of hours.’

‘Hey Miller!’ Tegan staggered over to him. ‘You seen her yet?’

‘Yeah, she’s asleep though.’ Miller nodded and made sure to help Tegan stand up straight. ‘Where’s Spike?’

‘Tegan!’ Right on time. Spike came jogging down the hallway. ‘Sorry, Miller, she just slipped away from me.’

‘It’s fine.’ Miller shook his head.

‘How is she?’ Spike took a more serious tone, taking over from Miller where holding up Tegan was concerned. 

‘She’ll be fine, she just needs some sleep.’

‘You definitely got the drip in yeah?’ Ruth suddenly asked.

‘Yeah, I might be a bit rusty on the old medical skills, but I know how to do an IV.’

‘Jesus, none of us could get anywhere near her to do a proper examination.’ Ruth exclaimed. ‘Right, well, in that case, I know it’s a bit much to ask, but can you check her upper left chest area? She was scratching at it like no tomorrow, it might be a rash, it might be nothing, but either way if she keep scratching, she’ll tear the skin up.’ Ruth quickly pointed to another nurse to take another patient away.

‘It’s not a rash, it’s a scar.’ Miller told her, catching Spike’s attention. ‘A bullet wound just below her left collarbone, probably a psychological reaction, nothing to worry about.’

‘Right…’ Ruth swallowed slowly. ‘Right, well, Spike why don’t you get Tegan into a room and changed, she can leave with Joy and Dinah, there’s nothing more to be done for them. Alice will have to stay a bit longer so we can monitor her, are you going to be responsible for making sure she’s monitored at home?’

‘I can do.’ Miller nodded.

Ruth rounded the reception desk and went down the corridor that Spike had come from. The man in question was looking sympathetically at Miller.

‘A bullet? For real?’ Spike asked, still holding Tegan steady.

‘Yeah.’ Miller nodded. He thought Spike was about to ask how it happened, but he seemed to think better of it.

Alice was eventually discharged and the IV did her a world of good, it was like dealing with a drunk more than anything. She was staggering a bit, but Miller managed to keep her steady as she got into the taxi, with him following after, chuckling at her as presumably the world started spinning for her. 

‘Right, mine or yours?’ He asked, putting his arm around her to keep her upright more than anything.

‘Yours.’ She laughed and looked up at him. 

‘Whatever the lady wants.’ Miller smiled and told the taxi driver where to go. 

Most of the journey was spent with Alice repeating the landmarks back to Miller from the night before, until she couldn’t remember what bridge was what anymore.

He managed to get her into the house and suggested she sit down for a moment or two while he got her some water to fix the dry mouth. They sat for a few moments, with Alice giggling to herself on and off and Miller just watching her, getting progressively more tired. 

‘Can I ask you something, love?’ Miller asked, gently taking the glass that was at risk of falling from her grasp, she turned and nodded a little too enthusiastically, making herself laugh. ‘You wouldn’t let Ruth touch you back at the hospital, but you had no problems with me. Why’s that?’

‘Weeeeeelllllll,’ she laughed. ‘When people used to get too close its because they wanted to kill me,’ she said it so casually that it nearly broke him there and then. ‘When you get close, I feel very very very very good.’ Miller had to smile, he liked her honesty, but he wasn’t stupid, he knew it was whatever was in her system.

‘I make you feel good, eh?’

‘So good.’ She nodded. ‘You make me come more than anyone.’

‘Oh yeah? Did I set some kind of record for you as well then?’

‘I mean, two is my max,’ Alice giggled leaning back on the sofa. ‘It was good to feel good after so long of not feeling good.’ Miller leaned on his hand to face her. ‘It doesn’t feel good to be told things you can’t repeat to anyone, it doesn’t feel good when you have to make choices you don’t want to make and it doesn’t feel good when your team looks at you like you’re a monster.’ Alice swallowed, she was replaying something in her mind, her eyes closed and her hand came up to rub at the scar. Whatever happened to her in the past still clearly plagued her like nothing else. ‘I am a monster.’ She whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

‘No, you’re not.’ Miller scooted closer and brought her against his chest. ‘You’re not a monster, Alice, you just… you just had some hard choices to make and you did the best you could. That’s it.’ Miller ran his hand over her back, trying to soothe her. ‘I really think you need to consider talking to someone, there are support groups around that might do you some good, talking to people who might be able to understand.’

‘I can’t tell anyone.’ She shook her head. ‘Even if I wanted to. The operation wasn’t supposed to happen, if they find out that it did, a lot more people could die… but I can be different here, I could be an angel.’ Alice smiled into his neck and he found it comforting for a moment.

Miller frowned, it suddenly became very clear that whatever had happened to her out there was more than just getting shot and suffering PTSD, she was involved in something huge and possibly Manchester was the only place she could go where it was safe for her to start again. 

‘You want to take a shower?’ Miller kissed the top of her head.

‘I don’t think I can stand straight.’ It made him laugh a little.

‘Well, if I get to see you naked again, I’d gladly help you out with that.’

Alice pulled away to look at him, those gorgeous dimples finally making an appearance again. ‘I mean, you don’t need to go to such lengths to see me naked, but I’ll make an exception this time.’

Miller laughed and eventually helped her into the shower, where he took care of her body, he washed it for her when she struggled and wrapped her body in a warm towel. It gave him a chance to realise what he’d missed the night before, the scars on her body looked like shrapnel scars, as if something had exploded close to her and she had gotten caught off guard. He didn’t ask her about it, he didn’t really want to know.

Miller just tucked her away underneath the quilt and gave into her request for him to stay with her, he would have just slept downstairs on the sofa, but if she really wanted him to stay, he’d never say no.


	6. Back Seat

I didn’t remember much of the night, but Miller assured me I didn’t say anything untoward, but I should be prepared for everyone thinking I was some kind of hero which he knew I’d hate. He told me to just entertain them for a while and it’d all die down, I really didn’t want to, but the next day I walked into work, I got a round of applause and it took Miller gently pressing on my lower back to actually stay where I was and pretend like I was okay with it. 

Eventually I was able to get to work and as Miller predicted, it all died down. I’d spent some time helping out on the Cathy case which was now back in our hands and finally got to spend a night with Tegan in the bar. Dinah, Taz, Stuart and Jonah came with us and Taz was gladly my deterrent for any unwanted attention. We all danced and got drunk and just about made it home safe, but it didn’t stop the hangovers the next day.

I had been working in the lab with Miller, who just laughed, taking pity on me for an hour or two by letting me sleep under his desk while he worked. 

After the two nights we’d spent together, Miller and I hadn’t really spoken about any of it, we hadn’t slept together again, only going out to dinner a couple of times and the closest we ever got at work was when talking about cases or handing over files. Admittedly we’d had a few stolen moments in his office where we kissed and flirted, but nothing that led anywhere. That was until a day came where Viv called me into her office to say that Miller was off sick and I should go over to see him

I knew from the beginning that Viv would be the first to find out that we’d slept together, but I hadn’t counted on Tegan and Spike teasing me about it and rumours starting to fly. I was used to team banter and teasing here and there, I was in the army for god’s sake, but I tended to just ignore it until it went away. 

I wasn’t sure why Viv wanted me to go over to Miller’s house if he was sick, surely she wasn’t asking me to catch whatever he had, but I decided to phone and check if he was okay. He didn’t answer the first few times and it was only when Viv cocked her head at me from her office window that I actually grabbed my coat and left Friday street. 

He didn’t answer for the first ten minutes, but I kept trying until finally the door unlocked and I heard Miller moving about in the house. I pushed the door open and saw him leaning over the kitchen sink down the hallway. 

‘Miller?’ I called, but he didn’t move. He was still wearing the old t-shirt he sometimes slept in and his underwear, but that was it. 

I closed the door behind me and hung my coat up, wandering closer to him. He was shaking, not just shaking, but crying. His shoulders were trembling and I could hear him sobbing uncontrollably. I’d never seen him like this before and I didn’t know what else to do. I wrapped my arms around his waist and just held him while he cried.

‘It’s okay, I’m right here.’ I told him. ‘I’ve got you.’

I spent the day just staying with Miller while he cried on and off, sometimes he ate, sometimes he slept and sometimes he just needed someone to kiss him, or hold him, but he never really talked and eventually I understood why.

‘You know that I’m here, don’t you?’ I kissed the top of his head as the night came in. I’d managed to get him into bed and he’d found comfort in resting against my chest. ‘If you need someone to stay, you can just call me.’

Miller sniffed and adjusted so that he was closer against me. ‘I shouldn’t want you like this.’

‘Like what?’ I frowned, stroking through his hair.

‘Like I can’t breathe without you, fucking hate waking up knowing it’ll never happen again.’ Miller was losing himself again, but I wasn’t exactly sure what he was talking about.

‘What won’t happen again, Miller?’ I kissed him again gently.

‘Will you stay?’ He suddenly said, looking up at me. ‘Please just stay with me.’ He begged and started crying heavily against my chest again.

‘It’s okay, I’ll stay,’ I said, holding him closer. ‘I’ll stay as long as you need. I understand. I’m not going anywhere, alright.’

I stayed the rest of the night, I held him when he needed me to, I kissed him when he needed something more and I listened to him telling me how we couldn’t be together, how he wasn’t good enough to be treated like a human being and I suddenly realised what this was. He was ill, mentally ill and this was a bad day. 

Miller had a few bad days here and there, Viv was always his first call, but I was the one who was sent over to keep him company. I knew he didn’t always want me to see him in that state, but I always wanted to help.

A new case came in that had Miller running out of the station first thing in the morning, a house had been set on fire with an Asian family inside, Spike and Dinah were sent to a wedding undercover to get the suspect and bring him in, I was on comms and surveillance, recording everything. 

Viv didn’t ask me to go back into the field again, not after the last time and I appreciated that, instead I decided to take Miller’s advice and go to a Veteran’s support group every week. Viv was the only one who knew about it, aside from Miller, I’d told him on one of his bad days to cheer him up and it worked marginally before he started crying again, but Viv made sure I left work on time every Thursday and Miller made sure I knew I could go to his if there was anything I needed from him. I never did, I mostly just sat at home and thought about where I was.

Dinah and Spike had been made, it had the rest of the team going in after them and had me sitting in the police van feeling fairly useless. I phoned Miller to see how he was getting on before I went to bed, but his night wasn’t going much better, he was still at the burnt up house, cleaning up. 

I was on desk duty, checking through the phone Dinah had found belonging to the victim’s husband, I pulled some pictures and started going through the CCTV on the night of the fire. I handed them over to Dinah who took them straight to Joy so they could question Hassan’s statement.

I thought a little on the case and I didn’t want to quote a criminal, but why would they bother with one family when there was a much larger Asian family next door? Maybe it wasn’t race hate, maybe Semina was targeted specifically.

‘Sarge, what are you going to do when a top notch officer offers you advice?’ Viv asked as we followed her up the stairs of the building.

‘Take it, ma’am.’ Joy said, bashfully.

Viv just nodded and headed upstairs while Joy and went to Hassan’s place to figure out what they might not have been telling us about Semina. Overall, not much that we didn’t already know, the husband was distressed and I did my best to comfort him, but it was no good, he knew I was a soldier and accused me of hating Muslims, it was time for me to leave. 

I stood outside and waited for Joy.

‘What happened?’ Joy exclaimed. ‘You left me on my own in there.’

‘Majid knew I was a soldier and accused me of bias against Muslims.’ I sighed. Joy didn’t really know what to say. ‘I think it’s best I take myself off this case, at least where talking to the family is concerned.’

‘You can’t-‘

‘Joy, he might be right.’ I said a little more quietly. I took a breath and tried to explain. ‘Look, over there, my job was to target people who got up to some nasty shit, it didn’t matter what their race or religion was, but imagine doing that job in America, the majority of people you would encounter would be white and Christian because those two things are the majority of the population. But when you come back home, those reactions don’t just disappear on their own, it takes a lot of work to try and reverse that kind of thinking… I joined the army when I was sixteen, I was impressionable and I knew it at the time, but I had commanding officers that weren’t so PC. Some of that is still in there,’ I indicated my head. ‘And despite how much I care about what has happened to this family, the stigma around people like me will start clouding everyone’s judgement.’ I hoped that made things clearer for her. ‘I’m sorry Joy, but I need to take a backseat from here on in.’

I jumped into the car and waited for her to walk around to the drivers side. It was silent for a long time and I could sense a question forming on the tip of her tongue.

‘How many did you…’ Joy lost her courage by the end and I already knew what the end of the question was.

‘184.’ I sighed, remembering every single face. ‘They weren’t all men… weren’t all guilty.’ I said a little quieter and tried to maintain my focus and breathe.

‘I’m sorry.’ She said, both of us knowing full well that “sorry” was just a word and didn’t mean very much when talking about someone’s life. 

The drive back to the station was silent and I tried so hard to breathe and not start shaking, but I needed a minute to calm down. Joy understood and left me in the garage for a few moments. I closed my eyes and leaned against the car, tried so hard to focus on who I was, not who my commanding officer was trying to turn me into. 

‘Alright, angel?’ Miller. He was pulling up with the rest of the clean up crew and looked like he’d had a hard couple of days.

I stood up quickly and suddenly realised that I had been crying, I tried to wipe away the tears without him noticing and turned to smile and nod. 

‘Yeah, fine.’

‘You sure?’ He took a couple of steps towards me.

‘Yeah, yeah, course.’ I lied. ‘I need to erm… yeah, I’ve got some work to do.’

‘Right, yeah.’ Miller was watching me like he knew I wasn’t okay. He took a step closer and spoke quieter than before. ‘There’s a good Chinese place round the corner from me, you want to come over and we can hang out? We’ve not done anything for a while, might do us both some good?’

‘Erm,’ I knew I’d start having a full on meltdown if I continued to have this conversation and I just couldn’t. ‘I’ll think about it and let you know.’ There was a disappointment in his eyes, but he didn’t press for anything else, instead Miller just gave a tight smile and nodded before wandering back to the van to unload what he needed to. 

I went upstairs and took a moment to myself in the toilets, it was short-lived as Viv came storming in after me. She stood with her arms crossed and her no nonsense face on. 

‘Are you racist?’ She demanded.

‘What?’

‘It’s a simple question, DC Mitchell. Answer me now, do you want to kill Muslims or Jews or Hindus, or-‘

‘No, of course I don’t!’ I exclaimed. 

‘Then why have you decided to take yourself off this case?’ Was she being serious? ‘I didn’t give you permission to take a backseat and nor did Sergeant Freers.’ I wasn’t sure what to say. ‘Alice, you’re not in Afghanistan now, this is the home front and this is a whole new pile of shite you’ve been thrown into. But I need you to get your wellies out and fashion yourself a raft to get through this shite squeaky clean.’ If this was a pep talk it wasn’t really helping. ‘I don’t know what’s going on between yourself and Miller, but if he’s to blame for your lapse in judgement, I will personally kick-‘

‘It’s not Miller.’ I interrupted. ‘I just… I’m trying so hard, Viv.’ The tears would never be stopped and I wasn’t sure I cared. ‘I’m trying so hard to be good.’ I felt her arms wrap around me, she wasn’t quite as soothing as Miller, but I needed it, I needed someone to hold me for a while, to make me feel like I wasn’t falling apart at the seams.

‘You are good.’ Viv tried to tell me. ‘You are the best of us, not a single person here asked you to go into that house and drag Tattoo out, no one asked you to take a bullet for this country and I’m not asking you to do anything that will set you back in your recovery… but what I am asking you to do, is to go with Joy and Dinah to get that piece of shit Jimmy Webb to tell us what he knows about Majid. Do not let him off the hook, I want to know what his connection is and where he was on his stag do. Do I make myself clear?’

‘Yes, ma’am.’ I said, still not ready to let go just yet. Viv understood and let me stay there for a minute longer while I tried to compose myself again. 

‘You’re a good person, Alice.’ She said, pulled back and helping me get rid of the tears on my face. ‘You’ve just been through a shit storm for far too long. You’re home now and you’re safe under my roof.’

I nodded and tried to believe her, but it was going to take a bit more than that for me to fully get it. 

‘Have your sessions been helping?’ She asked, making sure no one was coming into the bathroom to disturb us.

‘Not yet.’ I ran the cool tap and place my fingers over my eyelids to stop myself crying anymore. ‘But they say that’s normal, that I just need to spend some time getting to know myself again and letting others get to know me as well… I don’t know how that will help.’

‘Well, all I can say is, you’re a top-notch officer, with bravery and wit pouring out of you like a leaky tap.’ At least that made me laugh a little. ‘I know you’re well-liked around the office, I know that Tegan thinks the world of you, but understands that being a soldier isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I know that Jonah wouldn’t mess with you to save his life, in fact that goes for everyone here, including me…’ This was the cheering up I needed. ‘I know that every time Miller comes into the office, his first question to me is whatever excuse he can make up for asking how you are.’ I looked up at her and frowned. ‘Like I said, I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but be careful, despite popular belief, two broken bodies don’t always make a whole one.’

It was the last thing she said, before giving me a stern look and leaving the bathroom. I wasn’t sure what it meant, I wasn’t even really sure why she decided to tell me about Miller, but I tried not to think too hard on it and just get back to work.

The case was relatively successful, as it turned out, Majid Hassan was to blame for his wife’s murder, it was all money-related and actually quite tragic in the end. But Joy did an amazing job putting it all to bed, I didn’t take a backseat, I was with her every step of the way, assisting her where she needed the back up, but it was all her in the end.

We went to the pub to celebrate and I’d completely forgotten about Miller’s offer until someone mentioned his name. I sent him a quick text to let him know I was in the pub with everyone and he was very welcome to join us. He didn’t reply.

It was only when everyone’s phones had started going off that I even realised he wasn’t coming. I felt a wave of disappointment over that fact and then a second wave of dread as the call came through about another downs girl who had gone missing.


	7. Getting Tired

Miller hadn’t wanted her to see him like that, didn’t want her to know how truly fucked up he was. It was bipolar and he knew that, but that didn’t mean he wanted Alice to have to deal with any of it, he didn’t want to need her as much as he did, but when he was having a bad day, she always made him feel like he wasn’t about to jump over the edge.

He wanted to go to the pub with her, wanted to see her laughing and joking with her mates, but he knew that she would probably worry about him if he was there and he didn’t want that. She deserved to enjoy herself without him as a burden. However, when the call came in that another downs girl had gone missing, he knew her good mood would be short-lived. 

Miller did his best and over the next three or four days he could tell their hope was running out, Alice worked as hard as any of them, not resting until the girl was found, but eventually they would all need a break before it got any worse. 

‘Miller.’ He said, picking up the phone without looking at who it was.

‘Hey, it’s me, need you to come and take a look at a body for us.’ Alice.

‘Well, good morning to you too, Angel face.’ Miller decided to push away his bad mood and entertain her for a while. ‘Can I assume that the body is not the smoking, hot one you walk around in, but rather a cold and dead one you just found?’ He heard the sounds of being taken off speaker phone, that must have been Jonah laughing in the background.

‘If you knew just how smoking hot my body was you wouldn’t be asking that question.’ She retorted and Miller knew he’d dodged a bullet there. 

‘Touché.’ He chuckled.

‘No, this one’s been dead for a while, looks like she might have just had major surgery as well. Husband was involved in what appears to be a suicide this morning.’ He heard her sigh as he gathered up what he needed. ‘I’ll send you the address, but honestly, it’s pretty bad.’

‘Right, don’t you worry, sweetheart, I’m on my way.’ Miller said and hung up, grabbing a few things and heading off to the address she text him.

By the time he got there, she was waiting outside, rubbing her temples and trying to breathe as steadily as she could. 

‘Never fear,’ Miller said, jumping out the van. ‘The man with the van is here.’ He made her smile a little. ‘Well, you look like shit, when’s the last time you slept?’

Alice just shook her head and helped grab a couple of cases from the van. ‘I don’t know. The downs case is taking up everyone’s time just now and all the days seem to be blurring into one.’

‘Right, yeah,’ Miller nodded and let her lead the way into the house. ‘Well, if you need a good night’s sleep, you know where I am.’ He winked at her and those cute dimples appeared for the first time in weeks. 

They got upstairs to the bedroom and Jonah was tasked with keeping the old lady who owned the house downstairs and out of the way. Alice went to help before coming back to get the brief on what had happened with Taz.

‘From a recent kidney operation,’ Miller announced, Taz took notes and Alice just listened. ‘Very recent. Infection, onset shock, low blood pressure, hidden heart condition, or any other wonderful variables, so, I’m ruling out this hideous wallpaper being responsible, but that’s about it.’

‘How about the husband?’ Taz suggested. ‘Did her in and ran off?’ Even Alice gave a small smile at how unlikely that might have been.

‘Oh, such a morbid imagination!’ Miller added some dramatics to the equation, if for nothing else, to cheer up Alice. ‘No, might’ve woken up next to the body, or gone downstairs, come back and…’ He gestured cutting his throat to indicate the dead body. ‘Definitely one for us lads to look into, something rotten in the state of Primark, as the good bard said.’ He looked down at the pour woman in the bed and felt immensely sorry for her. ‘No hospital would have released her that soon after major surgery, not in that state, never.’ It was about the only useful thing Miller could give them.

It was at that point, the old lady came bustling into the room with Jonah chasing after her. Alice gave Jonah a look that told him he was an idiot and they did what they could to get her to leave the bedroom and head back downstairs, she didn’t need to see her daughter-in-law in that state. The poor woman had lost her son that morning and now her son’s wife. 

Miller finished up in the bedroom and got his boys to treat the body with care and get it to the mortuary for further analysis. He went downstairs to see Alice sitting with the old lady who was sobbing at a rate that broke Miller’s heart. 

‘Right, I’m going to call Esther and get her to come over,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t be alone right now. Jonah stay here, I’m heading outside for a minute.’ Alice made Jonah aware with one look that there would be hell to pay if he let her out of sight again. ‘You off?’ 

‘Yeah,’ Miller followed her out, he tried not to stare at her tight jeans, but honestly, he missed her. ‘I’ll get you a more specific cause of death as soon as I can. You coming back with us?’

Alice sighed and gave him a small smile. ‘I need to make this phone call.’

‘Do it in the van.’ Miller slid the van door open. ‘Let Taz and Jonah take care of this one, you need to rest while you can… you want a quiet place to sleep? There’s a nice spot under my desk.’ He made her chuckle and think about the offer.

‘Right, let me just grab my coat and hand over to Taz.’ She nodded.

‘No worries, love.’ 

Miller watched her head back into the house and made good on his word and let her sleep beneath his desk while he worked quietly. Every so often he would look down and his chest would ache, he couldn’t pursue her like this, it wasn’t fair to either of them. They had a wonderful night together and gave each other what they needed for a while, but that was all they could be while he was figuring his life out.

The news came down immediately that the downs girl, Teresa had been found, she was dead. Miller held off for as long as he could before waking her, but she needed to know. Alice sat next to his desk for a few moments. 

‘Viv will need me upstairs, love.’ Miller said gently. ‘As much as I like having you down here, we’ve both got work to do, yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ Alice breathed. ‘Right, let’s go.’ She composed herself relatively quickly, but Miller could see the remnants of a hard few nights still lingering. 

‘You’re doing alright, you know?’ Miller suddenly said as she put her long grey coat back on. ‘It’s not an easy job you’ve got, finding this prick, but you’re doing everything right, people are seeing that.’

Alice nodded and gave a small smile. ‘I still think there’s more I could do.’

‘You always will until he’s caught,’ Miller stood up and stepped a little closer, knowing full well that he shouldn’t. ‘But the good news is that there’s a new lead they’re chasing, so it’ll only be a matter of time.’ Miller could see her eyes darkening and the second her eyes briefly flickered to his lips, he pressed his mouth gently to hers. Alice whimpered slightly and it was enough to get him to involuntarily pin her against his desk, his hands gliding over her soft jaw and sliding underneath her coat to feel her small waist. He could feel her hips pushing into his and soon his tongue was exploring her mouth, making her sigh and physically weaken. Miller held her close and felt her fingers sliding through his hair, encouraging him to devour her as much as he wanted.

Before he went too far, Miller stopped and rested his lips close to hers, just feeling her breath against him. He loved the sound of her struggling for breath, loved the way her fingers curled into his shirt, just hanging on to anything she could. He missed her.

‘Miller.’ She breathed, the sentence not really going anywhere.

‘Right, angel face,’ Miller placed another chaste kiss to her mouth. ‘Time to get to work.’

He didn’t really want to move away from her, but there were more pressing matters to be dealing with. His phone began ringing and that was Alice’s cue to smile up at him and leave.

Miller answered the inevitable call to arms that Teresa’s body had been found and once again, got to work. The bodies were piling up and it wasn’t just Miller who was suffering for it, everyone was feeling the effects of this case.

The body had been called in by a passer by who had called the police before deciding to tweet about it, the fucking moron. Miller did his work and waited for Viv to turn up with Dinah, Joy and Alice. He didn’t exactly want her to see any of it, but this was her job and she was doing well and asking all the right questions.

She was angry that the guy had felt the need to tweet about it while waiting for the police to turn up, but it had happened and the word was out there, especially considering the brother-in-law was a journalist.

‘Fuck me,’ Alice shook her head. ‘How stupid can you be?’ Miller decided not to respond and instead let the women do their jobs, while he did his.


	8. Not The Whole Story

Someone needed to break the news to Cathy and I agreed with Viv that it probably should have come from Joy, from a professional point of view, but Dinah said she would handle it. There was an exchange of doubtful looks shared between Viv, Joy and myself as she wandered off. 

Viv asked me to go through the new lead, the connection between the usernames ‘Handyman’ and ‘Princess Tessa’. We needed to find out who ran the site and get access to the conversations Handyman had been having. 

I watched Miller working for a moment, he saw me and gave me a sympathetic smile. It was strange, we hadn’t really kissed like that since the night we were together, previously it had been a few stolen moments, gentle and tender, but that was passionate in a way I wasn’t quite ready for. 

I went back to the office and got one of Miller’s lads to check out a few things where the dating site was concerned. I was immediately called down to the front desk to deal with someone brought in by Stuart and Tegan.

‘It’s Franny Loughery of the cinderblock Lougherys.’ Stuart told me, Dinah was dealing with the two prostitutes he’d come in with, but we didn’t really have enough to hold him. 

‘He paid the week in advance, we can’t throw the book at him for having it on with a couple of prozzies.’ I told them and looked down at the report. ‘You said he’d been in a fight?’

‘He did,’ Tegan corrected me. ‘He had a massive scar right here.’ She gestured to the same place the woman found dead in her bed had her scar.

‘You seen Jonah or Taz?’ I asked, I needed to get Miller’s report on the body and talk to Franny.

I got the file on the woman and Dinah and Tegan went in to interview Franny. I was in the observation room with Stuart watching. A message came through on Tegan’s phone and Stuart must have forgotten I was there behind him because he looked at the message. Everyone knew that Stuart had in bad for Tegan, they’d obviously slept together but beyond that I wasn’t sure of the details of their relationship. 

I shuffled the report in my hands, making it clear I was still there and Stuart quickly put the phone down and focussed on the interview in front of us.

Franny tried to tell us that the money he had was a big win from the bookies, but Tegan and Dinah managed to get out of him that he’d taken out a loan with a company called Readies, I made a note of it. 

A text came through to my phone from Viv: “Just so you know, Miller’s on the website stuff, you focus on Loughery for now.” I didn’t really have time to focus on Miller, I needed to help Dinah get to the bottom of the Readies connection. Dinah asked if Franny sold his own kidney for money and I suddenly stood up feeling my chest start to cave in. 

‘You okay?’ Stuart asked, but I couldn’t let him see me like this.

I dropped my notes on the desk and walked out of the observation room towards my desk. I breathed slowly and deeply, I’d seen something like this before overseas. They were eighteen and nineteen-year olds who’d been harvested for their organs, it was a massive operation and my team was sent in to shut everything down. 

‘Alice?’ Joy had said it softly and without any hint of maliciousness behind it, but I couldn’t help my reaction to jump up and place my hand on my keyboard, ready to rip it out of the computer. ‘You alright?’

‘Fine,’ I panted, so clearly not alright, but I could feel myself calming down quickly. ‘What do you need?’

Joy wasn’t sure what to do, I could tell. ‘Just wanted to see if Dinah and Tegan were finished with Franny Loughery yet?’

‘Not yet,’ I cleared my throat and looked back at my desk, pretending like I was searching for something. ‘Just needed to get a couple of things, I’m just heading back down there now.’

I picked up some generic paperwork and headed out of the main office, I could tell I was being watched by several people, but I couldn’t really focus on that, I needed to get some air before I went back to the observation room. By the time I had calmed down, Dinah and Tegan had managed to get a name and number out of Franny and a meeting was set up. 

Spike went in with Dinah to meet with the guy who’d paid Franny for his kidney and I was once again on comms and surveillance in Viv’s office. Finally we had a face-to-face and I felt my stomach turning, he didn’t bite straight away.

‘Bit more vulnerability, lure him in.’ I said over comms. 

I knew I was getting looks from Tegan and Taz, but I was well accustomed to focussing with people looming over my shoulder. She kept working him, got him to understand that she was in a desperate situation, but a couple arguing caught Spike’s attention and he was made almost immediately.

‘Shit, Dinah, he’s made me.’ Spike said over comms.

‘Right, Spike don’t panic, Dinah, keep working him.’ I said and tried to think of what to do next. We didn’t have anyone on hand to dispel the situation if it got out of hand. Speed was key, we were so close. 

The couple had suddenly escalated from an argument to something physical and Spike had no choice but to act. The lead had walked away from Dinah.

‘Dinah, it’s done, help Spike.’ I said, to no reply. ‘Dinah?’ I could hear her moving, so she could definitely hear me. ‘Dinah!’ I said again. ‘Dinah, respond!’ The sound of a door closing in an elevator was the last thing I heard before a sharp ringing. Her wire had been pulled. ‘Spike, do you have eyes on Dinah?’ I asked, I could feel Tegan and Taz moving to jump into action. 

‘Not really.’ Spike was still struggling with the couple. ‘Where the fuck did you go?’ He suddenly said. 

‘I needed to try, Spike.’ Dinah. I sighed in relief, rubbing my temples and feeling the panic flood out of me. It was a bust and Viv wasn’t happy. Her husband Laurie was still in one of the cells for getting rowdy the night before and she was having one hell of a day. 

Dinah and Spike eventually made it back, I decided to hold off on how annoyed I was that Dinah went off on her own, I wasn’t that close to her just yet and I was already struggling to get through the days as it was. I just needed to sleep for a while, but that privilege looked like a long way off. 

I sat in on the debrief with Viv, Dinah and Spike and it was clear Andrew, our lead, was as good as gone; his phone was dead, he was off grid and no one knew where he might pop up next. Spike blamed himself for blowing his cover, Dinah blamed herself for working him quick enough and I blamed myself for not sending Tegan and Stuart as back up. 

‘No, no, it wasn’t your fault,’ Viv said, sternly. ‘You did your best and now we need to deal with the next step.’

‘We’ve still got that Readies connection.’ Spike suddenly said, sitting on Dinah’s desk, I quickly looked through the file.

‘Both Franny Loughery and Mrs Braizer live in Cinderblock.’ I noticed. ‘They also both took out loans with Readies and were on their fourth warning to pay up when Andrew called.’

‘So how did Andrew know they were in debt?’ Dinah asked the question we all wanted the answer to.

‘Right, let’s get a warrant for Readies client list, see if we can cross reference with anyone else on their fourth warning who also live in Cinderblock.’ Viv told us.

‘Do you mind if I do it ma’am? It’s that fucking chipmunk, it brings out the rage in me.’ Spike asked. I couldn’t help but smile.

‘I need you for a taxi run,’ Viv said. ‘That self-pitying, little shit Patrick Llewellyn, Miller’s grabbed some profile pics from the dating website. None of them seem to match the e-fit, but you never know. Maybe one of them will ring a bell for Patrick.’

‘On it.’ Spike nodded and headed back to his desk to grab his keys.

‘Alice, I want you back helping Miller get through the rest of the website, can you handle it?’ Viv asked and I frowned slightly. ‘Ears that penetrate walls me, don’t think I didn’t hear what happened this morning. You’re on desk duty until we can have a proper chat.’ I sighed and nodded. Dinah just looked confused, but she’d probably find out soon enough. 

I wandered over to where Miller was clearly watching me, he didn’t even try to hide it, he just gave me a sympathetic smile as I approached him, taking the seat next to his in the secluded corner of the office. 

‘Slightly public space,’ he said quietly. ‘So I’m afraid there will be no rest for the relegated.’ I knew he was trying to make me smile, but it wasn’t working. ‘Why don’t you check over what I’ve got and I’ll grab some coffee, yeah?’ 

Miller didn’t wait for a reply, he just stood up and went to make us both some coffee, I just went through the collection of data he had and tried to figure out where he was.

Dinah had gone to interview the owner of the website, Roland Stubbs, to ask about Handyman and come up with some interesting information. I only heard the tail end of it, but it seemed like Roland had clocked Handyman pretty quickly because of how specific he was, downs only. Roland had tried to get Handyman to upgrade, he wouldn’t and so Roland creates a fake profile to fuck with him.

Miller and I were tasked with recreating the Profile for Patty to see if we could lure Handyman back and finally get this fucker. 

‘It’s alright, love.’ Miller said as he worked through the security for the website, I felt fairly useless in all honesty. ‘We’ll get him sooner or later, the profile will be up and running and Dr Peep will help us convince him to meet and we’ll have him.’ I nodded and sipped the cooling coffee. ‘Listen, I know this probably isn’t the best time, but I think we need to talk about-‘

‘Right my gorgeous godsend!’ Viv came bowling in, interrupting Miller. ‘We’ve got a live one and you’re going to bring this fucker in once and for all.’

‘Handyman?’ I frowned.

‘No, Andrew, the transplant twat who sent you into a panic this morning.’ Viv said it a lot quieter and I appreciated that, but it didn’t stop fear trickling down my spine. ‘I spoke to Stuart and the second selling organs was mentioned, you were out of that room quick as a flash.’ Viv stepped even closer. ‘Something tells me, this isn’t the first time you’ve seen this shit.’ I swallowed nervously, not daring to look at Miller as I nodded. ‘I thought so. Now’s the time to make up for whatever mistakes you made in the past. We get this guy and no one else has to suffer at his hands… you ready?’

‘Yeah.’ I nodded and felt the old rage from my time overseas catching up to me. The images of those poor kids was the only thing helping me power through. 

‘Alice?’ Miller said, gently as I went to follow Viv out. I could see in his eyes he wanted to say something, but the actual words were struggling to form in his mouth.

‘I’ll be careful, I promise.’ I said, hoping that would settle him, which it did a little but not enough. 

I needed to leave, Viv and Spike were already at the door, waiting for me. 

I jumped in the car with Spike and listened to Viv talk us through where we were going and what hopefully to expect, but so rarely was that ever the case. 

‘So, what’s the story with you and Miller?’ Spike casually asked as we drove speedily up the road to an abandoned warehouse. I turned to him and just shook my head laughing. ‘I’m not having a go.’ He chuckled. ‘I’m just curious what you see in him, that’s all.’

‘It’s complicated.’ I said, but that didn’t seem to be enough for Spike.

‘You know, he came to the hospital for you, that night after the raid on Sandy street.’ Spike turned a corner, keeping up with Viv’s car. ‘Tegan mentioned something about him fancying you and he got well defensive about it. Tells me something more than some casual shagging is going on… am I right?’

I smiled and turned to Spike. ‘We slept together once, that’s it, it’s not an ongoing thing.’ It still wasn’t quite settling Spike the way he wanted. ‘We’d had a drink, had nothing better to do and it just sort of happened.’ Even Spike could see how much I hated saying it. ‘Look, he was a great shag, fucking up there with the best, but it’s nothing.’

‘If it’s nothing, then why are you defending it so much?’ Spike smiled a cheeky smile, he was good. ‘Look, I don’t care who shags who or who outside the station, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work, but you and Miller seem to do your best work when you’re put together. Miller said he would be able to crack the website for a couple of days before you came in and then suddenly it was done and we got a new lead on Handyman.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m saying that maybe whatever’s going on, isn’t such a bad thing.’ Spike pulled up. ‘I’m not getting involved… but we all need a good shag from time to time.’ He winked and stepped out of the car, making me laugh and do the same before refocusing on the task at hand.

Viv was shouting out orders, we could see that a mobile surgery unit had been set up and there were people waiting either for their turn or for whoever was currently under. Spike had found out it was a transplant for a family member who couldn’t get put on the transplant list at the hospital and this was life-saving for them. 

Viv approached the surgeon to let them know that they were in big trouble, but they now needed to focus on finishing the surgery so that more lives weren’t lost because of all this.

‘We’ve got a runner.’ Dinah shouted. Joy and I jumped into action, I was the faster between myself and Dinah, but even I couldn’t quite catch Andrew immediately, he knew the landscape better than me anyway.

Joy went round the back and the three of us tried to cut him off somewhere. We lost him for a moment. 

‘Anything?’ Joy asked over the radio.

‘Nothing.’ I responded, heading down a corridor that looked to be offices but not much else. 

‘First floor!’ Dinah called and I raced to find a stairwell. 

I managed to run into Joy and the both of us found Dinah confronting him, obviously he could get through the door at the end, so why hadn’t she made the arrest already? Why was she still talking to him?

‘There are places in India where half the village have sold their organs. Half the village, for what?’ Andrew said, I was waiting for Dinah to stop the bullshit and just arrest him already. ‘For three hundred quid a pop? I pay two thousand.’

‘And how much do you sell them on for?’ Dinah shot back, we could do this in an interrogation room, we needed to make the arrest.

‘What’s your plan here?’ I asked, my rage starting to get the better of me, I hated people like him. ‘Hoping to lecture us to death?’

‘Now she understands, don’t you darling?’ Andrew turned all of his attention to me. ‘She pretends to be this white knight, this hero back from the war, but she’s done things worse than I have… haven’t you?’

‘This isn’t about me, Andrew. This is about those people you have exploited for money.’

‘And what was your reward?’ He was treading on a thin line. ‘What did they give you to brush all those secrets under the rug?’

I took a small step forward, I had no intention of letting it slide.

‘You don’t know what I’ve done.’

‘I know more than you think.’ Andrew retorted. ‘I know you killed an eight-year old boy in Baghdad, I know you didn’t hesitate… I know you don’t quite remember it properly and I know that they told you he was armed. Is that what you remember?’ My body went cold, he couldn’t have known any of that, it was sketchy information at best, not quite what was in the original report, but it didn’t matter, he knew about the incident that started off my decline.

Before I could say another word, he ran. I bolted after him on reflex alone and both of us went crashing through a glad window in the door, I felt the glass cut at my skin, but I had a job to do. I pinned him to the ground and heard Joy running behind me, she threw me some cuffs and finally the arrest was made. 

I took some deep breaths and tried to focus on anything that wasn’t the face of boy. I felt my shoulder aching and reached up to try to soothe it. Back up eventually came and it was then I realised how bad the glass had cut into my skin, one on my arm and another on my forehead. I felt like shit. 

Stuart and Tegan helped with the surgeons and Taz and Spike took Andrew into the back of the van. Stuart and Tegan were arguing about the text she got when we were observing the interview and I tried not to listen and instead held the bandages against my forehead. I felt Joy and Dinah looking at me, but I didn’t have the courage to look up just yet. 

We all headed back to Bailey Street, Spike didn’t say anything to me, I wasn’t sure if he knew, but my shoulder was aching like mad.

‘You shouldn’t scratch so hard.’ He suddenly said, my head snapped round to look at him. The wound on my head wasn’t that deep, it was mostly cosmetic, but it didn’t stop the shitty headache I was getting. ‘You’ll tear the skin up… Miller said it was a scar… from a bullet, I don’t like to ask, but… it’s just Dinah said something as you all came down with Andrew-‘

‘It’s not the whole story.’ I interrupted. ‘Andrew didn’t have all the information to hand.’

Spike didn’t say another word as we drove back to Bailey street. I didn’t say anything to Dinah as we got out of the cars, I could tell she was angry, but honestly, she had no right to be.


	9. Forget For A While

Miller was just about there, Patty’s profile was ready for activation, it was all he could do to keep himself distracted from worrying about Alice. 

‘Dinah! Just drop it.’ He heard Viv say as they all made it back to the office. 

‘Drop it? Are you serious?!’ Dinah exclaimed. 

‘You are not in possession of all the facts!’ Viv stopped her. ‘And do not even think about going into those toilets and pushing that woman for anything! She gave more than you could imagine for this country, things you and I could never do-‘

‘Yeah, there’s a reason for that Viv.’

‘Do not interrupt me!’ Viv had the attention of the whole office. ‘Alice Mitchell owes you nothing, but you owe her more than you could ever hope to give. I hope the day comes quickly that you understand that.’

Dinah said nothing, but still looked incredibly angry at something as yet unknown to Miller. Viv turned to look at him, before decided against something in her head. 

‘Tegan,’ she said. ‘Go and make sure Alice is cleaned up and ready to get back to the Handyman case.’ 

Miller felt himself start to worry, something must have happened, but no one looked hurt in any way. He saw Dinah and Spike talking quietly and Joy was just looking on worriedly. He decided to get back to work and finish up Patty’s profile.

Joy wandered over and threw some stuff on the desk next to him. ‘That’s Patty ready for reactivation.’

‘Go for it.’

‘And Joy said, let there be light and there was light.’ Miller joked, the response was an awkward smile as she wandered away. 

Dr Peep was with Viv in her office while Miller reactivated the dating profile and while there was nothing to do in the immediate present, he decided to go and see if Alice was okay.

He could hear the sounds of Tegan talking in the ladies toilets with a sign outside that said “male attendant cleaning”, it was always the signal for anyone unwanted to not enter, where most secret meetings took place between the team. Miller knocked briefly before strolling in.

‘Knock, knock,’ he said and poked his head around the corner to see Tegan trying to figure out how to place a bandage over what looked to be a cut over Alice’s forehead, she was sitting on top of the sinks and looked to be a bit worse for wear. ‘It’s only me, thought I’d come and see if you needed any help.’ 

Tegan sighed, clearly Alice was distressed and Tegan was in two minds about what to do. 

‘It’s fine Tegan, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.’ Alice said and waited for Tegan to make the next move.

‘I’ll stay.’ She said, though she didn’t seem entirely certain. ‘But Miller is going to have to finish this off, because I can’t make heads or tails of how to put these on.’ Alice half laughed and looked over at Miller. ‘Right, come on, get this done before I make any more of a mess of it.’ 

Tegan handed the first aid kit to Miller who nodded and got to work checking that the wound was clean. It was silent for a while between the three of them.

‘I’m not usually one to burst an awkward bubble, but can I assume something happened?’ He said, trying not to let his fingers stray towards Alice’s soft hair.

‘She went through a glass window, tackling the perp to the floor.’ Tegan said, impressed, but Miller was slightly more concerned with Alice’s health.

‘Right, well, as heroic as I’m sure it was, I do need to know if you’ve glass stuck anywhere else so we can get it out and make sure there’s no infection.’ Miller said, surprising himself with how serious he was.

‘It was just in my arm,’ Alice’s voice was soft and it was only then that he noticed her eyes were brimming with tears. ‘We’re pretty sure we got it all, but feel free to check.’

Miller didn’t drop his gaze, it was a fairly big thing to happen to someone who probably wasn’t ready to jump into that much action.

‘What about your shoulder?’ He asked and little more quietly. Alice’s eyes widened slightly.

‘It’s fine.’ She lied.

‘Alice.’ Tegan interrupted. ‘You should tell him… not being funny, I don’t know what you see in this guy, but out of all of us, he deserves to know something, yeah?’ Alice didn’t nod, but she didn’t disagree. ‘I’ll keep watch, make sure you’re not disturbed… but no shagging.’ She added, making Alice half smile. ‘I ain’t got time for that.’ 

Tegan left Miller alone with Alice and went about sealing the head wound, before turning his attention to her arm where they had actually done a pretty good job aside from one small piece of glass in the upper part near the crease in her elbow. 

‘So, what happened?’ Miller said, more distracting her from the discomfort she’d probably feel at him digging around to take the glass out. 

‘We chased Andrew up to the first floor,’ she swallowed nervously. ‘Dinah was talking to him, asking him why he did it… I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just arrest him, save the questions for later, we already knew it was him.’ She shook her head, not really taking any notice of what Miller was doing. ‘He started saying some things…’ Alice struggled to get the words out, before the first tear fell without her noticing. ‘Two years ago, I was on an operation in Baghdad… it was supposed to be easy, go in, find out whose been selling unique cargo and get out.’

‘Unique cargo?’ Miller frowned, starting to clean the wound again. 

‘Organs.’ She said, her voice starting to shake. ‘They were selling organs… they were just kids and they were treated like pigs, just there to be harvested… eighteen years old, nineteen, twenty, the oldest was twenty-two… thirty-six empty bodies, that’s what we found.’ Miller was starting to understand why this particular case was so difficult for her. ‘The seller had already cleared out, a bomb was set to go off just as we arrived… I don’t know why it didn’t blow the second we stepped foot in that warehouse…’ Alice took a deep breath while Miller prepared a new bandage for her arm. ‘We should have all been killed, along with anyone who was within a quarter of a mile radius, but something went wrong and the bomb didn’t go off… we could see it though, the first set of charges, one bullet would have set off the chain reaction and the whole place would have come down.’ She sniffed. ‘The seller’s men came back to finish us off…’ Alice suddenly started crying hard, before quickly composing herself again. Miller tried to finish the bandage so he could help her in a different way. ‘Three of us were shot, injured, but we’d survive… I was helping get them behind cover when I saw who we were firing at… they were kids.’ That was it, the floods began and Alice was losing control over herself. ‘He was eight years old.’ She sobbed. ‘I pointed my gun at him and yelled for him to stop… he was going for the charges, he was carrying a rifle… I assumed it wasn’t loaded, who’d give an eight year old a gun and expect him to use it?’ Alice lifted her hand to rub the scar below her shoulder. ‘I didn’t have a choice after he shot me… I made it quick, painless… but…’ Alice breathed deeply and tried so hard to think of anything else. ‘We were stuck there for another hour… running low on ammo, he was just staring at me the whole time… his eyes were open and I couldn’t move away, I couldn’t close them… back up eventually came and we were dragged out of there, but… I’ll never forget that face.’

Miller felt a deep ache in his chest. On the one hand, this woman who he’d fallen for had killed a child, on the other, she saved everyone in the surrounding area. She lived with that every day, knowing that she wasn’t a good person for what she did and battling with the morality of right and wrong. That was her job. That was what she did every day of her life. 

‘Is that why you joined the bomb squad?’ Miller suddenly asked, it was clear from her expression that that wasn’t the question she expected. ‘You told me you trained to join the bomb squad, is that why?’

‘Yes.’ She breathed. Miller nodded and washed his hands, putting away the equipment he’d used. 

‘Can I kiss you now?’ He asked, leaning over the sink. Alice just looked at him, almost horrified that he was ask her that question.

‘Why would you want to?’ She frowned.

‘Because, you still feel guilty about it,’ Miller told her, plain and simple. ‘And often people who feel guilty about something, tend not to do it again and do everything they can to make up for their actions.’ He stood in front of her and placed his hands either side of her thighs. ‘I appreciate you telling me something that evidently hurts you more than I can imagine, it means something to me that you feel you can trust me and I can’t make you feel any differently about it, but I can help you forget about it for a while… I can help you feel like a normal person from time to time.’

Alice didn’t say anything, she just watched him with her reddened, hazel eyes and assessed the honesty in his words. Her eyes gently flickered to his mouth and he knew she wanted to kiss him, but there was a resistance in her expression.

Miller didn’t quite know how to make her feel differently, he wanted to listen to her sigh, but it would only happen if she felt good.

‘I’ve had a shit day,’ Miller confessed. ‘I just want to feel less shit, you know?’

Alice’s features softened and suddenly her eyes were on his lips, he took a chance and leaned down, just brushing his mouth against hers, listening to the stutter in her breathing. He put a little pressure into the kiss, her lips were a little wet and salty, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to devour her the way she liked. Miller moved expertly around her mouth, knowing what made her sigh and croon, what made her hands twist into his shirt and he loved that he was the one doing it for her. 

He let his hands drift up her thighs, listening to her change in breath, he squeezed her thighs gently and deepened the kiss, before quickly stopping, hearing Tegan opening the door to the toilets. Miller turned away so that she couldn’t see what Alice had done to him. 

‘Miller, Joy says we’ve got a hit on Patty’s profile.’ Tegan said.

‘Right, yeah, I’m just coming.’ Miller said, pretending to check the bandage again. He briefly looked up at Alice who looked to be in a much better mood, the dimples on her face were making an appearance and he couldn’t help his smile. ‘You feel better, angel?’

‘Yeah.’ She breathed.

‘Good. So, you gonna come to mine tonight so we can finish what we started?’ Miller teased and half laugh out of her. ‘I’ll take that as a yes. As soon as I’m done pissing about with the nonce, we’ll go.’ Miller promised and placed a small kiss to her mouth again.

‘Oh Jesus, I’m still here, you know!’ Tegan exclaimed and admittedly, Miller had forgotten she was standing there.

‘My apologises.’ Miller stood back, hands up to declare his innocence. ‘Plenty more where that came from, darling, if you’re jealous.’ He said and winked at Tegan, teasing her.

‘I’d rather pay for it.’ She dodged him, repulsed, but also half laughing at his antics.

Miller headed back to his desk and listened to the sounds of Tegan making Alice laugh for a while. He got back to work, monitoring the profile messages with Dr Peep guiding him through the responses if they were going to send any at all.

‘Right, what’ve we got?’ Viv asked, Dinah was somewhat more focused and maintained that when Alice made an appearance with Joy close behind her. Miller read it out.

‘”Hey sexy”, pause of thirty-four seconds, “where you been?” pause of one minutes forty seconds “usually don’t give girls who stand me up a second chance, might make an exception for you, if you’re lucky.”’

‘Did we reply back?’ Dinah asked, a little excitedly.

‘Just a smiley.’ Miller told them. ‘One of them that’s winking and blowing a kiss at the same time. Thought it best to start slow, make him do a bit of work for my attention. Keep him interested.’ 

Just as he’d finished speaking, another message came through.

“Sweet dreams.”

‘And apparently, he is.’ They all waited for what would happen next.

“Hope to see you soon.”

Miller wasn’t going to send another message without Peep there to guide him through the responses, instead, he decided to take Alice back to his and spend a night with her. He was a little shaken by her admission, but he also couldn’t escape the fact that she was a soldier and that was what soldiers did. He found himself accepting that without much thought for why, he knew perfectly well that all he really wanted was for her to feel good again, but he was torn between it being for his own selfish reasons, or because he genuinely cared.

‘You hungry?’ Miller asked, taking her coat and hanging it up for her. ‘I’ve got nothing in, but we can order from that Thai place?’ 

Miller turned around to see her smiling gently up at him. Without warning, Alice had him pinned to the wall, kissing him harshly. Miller did his best to keep up, but she was doing things that he could only dream of, her tongue delving into his mouth, her hands in his hair, making him groan into her mouth, it was a change of pace that he was rather enjoying, but she stopped far too soon.

‘Will you make me forget for a while?’ She begged him. ‘Make me feel something else for a while.’ With a voice like that, he’d make her feel whatever she wanted. Miller stroked his hand through her hair and let his eyes scan her face for a moment, just taking in how beautiful she was.

Miller found himself once again naked in the middle of his bedroom, making Alice Mitchell, the most beautiful woman in the world, scream out his name and beg him to do so much more to her body. He wasn’t quite brave enough to go all the way, but he bit her shoulder and she begged for more, he told her how pretty she was sucking him off and she groaned, taking him deeper into her mouth. He suddenly realised something as he told her to get onto all fours, she was incredibly obedient, not quite submissive, but she was pretty close. Miller could have so much fun with her if she let him.

He watched her pant as she positioned herself pointed towards his hips, her arse was incredible. Miller leaned down and kissed the soft flesh, trailing a line up her spine, listening to the way her breathing changed, the way she sighed and whimpered with the feel of his stubble gliding over her sensitive flesh.

‘Fucking hell, I don’t deserve this.’ He whispered below her ear, running his hand from the back of her thigh, over her arse cheek, all the way up her back and into her hair, she arched her back and smiled when he gently fisted her hair. ‘I think you like this shit more than you’re letting on.’ He growled and kissed down her neck, again biting into her shoulder. 

‘Maybe I do.’ She teased and he immediately lined himself up to slip inside her.

‘Oh, you are an angel.’ He chuckled and leaned on his forearm, while he teased her with his cock. ‘Now tell me what you like and I’ll fuck you senseless again and again.’ 

‘Fuck,’ she panted. ‘I like it when you’re in charge like that.’ 

‘Yeah, you like me just taking what I want?’

‘Yes.’ She whimpered as he gently dipped inside her. ‘Yes, please.’ She begged.

‘Well, alright then, I guess I’ll just fuck you.’ Miller kissed her cheek and got up on his knees, holding her hips in place. ‘Stay right there.’ He said, looking down and how perfectly shaped she was. He made sure he was lined up with her and pushed himself all the way inside. Miller was aware that she’d had a difficult day and decided not to go as far as he could go, instead he let her set the pace. ‘That’s it, angel face. Now, are you going to fuck that cock, or what?’ He listened to her chuckle with excitement and soon she was backing her hips into his repeatedly. 

It wasn’t an especially easy position for her to move, but she was enjoying it so that was all that mattered. Miller needed her to come though, he’d already made her come twice, once more and he’d be a goner as well. 

Miller grabbed her hips, controlling them against her, pounding deeper and deeper until she was crying out with every thrust. ‘Right, sweetheart, I need you to come for me.’ He stopped and got off the bed, indicating that he wanted her to get on top of her. 

Alice was panting as was he, but he helped her on top of him, sliding down his cock and for a moment he just watched her. He held her in place for a second and took in just how beautiful she was, her skin was soft and her expression was one of pure bliss. Miller ran his hand down her face, his thumb stroking her bottom lip, her tongue flicked out and he felt a deep groan escape his chest, he let her suck his thumb for a moment, watching her and she imagined doing the same thing to his cock.

Miller sat up and dragged his thumb lightly down her throat, reaching her soft breast, he moved his other hand around to her arse and encouraged her to move on top of him. 

‘That’s it,’ he encouraged her. ‘Just fuck me, darling.’ Miller watched Alice go into a world of her own, just using him to come and while she built herself up, he was losing control. He used what he’d learnt about her body to help her, playing with her nipples, telling her how gorgeous she was fucking him like that and how much he wanted to see her come just for him.

Miller felt her suddenly tightening around him as she cried out his name, holding desperately onto his shoulders, before Miller pulled her in to kiss him while he came inside her. 

‘Fucking hell.’ He panted, listening to her pant as well. ‘You’re so fucking gorgeous, you know that?’

Alice chuckled and bit down on her lip. 

‘If you’re looking for round two, you’re going the right way about it.’ He said and kissed her gently. 

‘Thank you.’ She whispered.

‘What?’ Miller half laughed. ‘For being on the receiving end of the best shag I’ve ever had? No problem, anytime, sweetheart.’

Alice just laughed and he could feel her getting tired. ‘You know what for.’

‘I do.’ Miller nodded. 

He kissed her for a while longer before they both decided it was time to go to sleep, she was exhausted and he wasn’t much better. He needed to check on the profile before he went to sleep anyway and made sure Alice really was okay.

‘I’m fine.’ She said, sleepily. ‘I’m just tired. Can I stay the night?’

Miller chuckled. ‘You don’t need to ask.’ He told her and pulled the quilt up to cover her cooling body. ‘But we will need to talk about what else you do and don’t like at some point.’ He watched her face blow up red as she laughed. ‘Oh yeah, don’t think I don’t remember how much you screamed when I told you I was going to fuck you senseless.’

‘I didn’t scream.’ She complained as he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her shoulder. ‘You wish I did.’

‘As long as it’s for me, I’d have you screaming all day every day.’ Miller listened to her hum in approval. ‘Go to sleep, sweetheart. I’ll wake you in the morning, yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ She breathed and finally started to drift off. 

Miller watched her for another moment before turning the lamp off. He could so easily have told her he loved her, so easily let it slip, but he continually reminded himself that he didn’t deserve her, that this was temporary, it would never last.


	10. Temporary Fix

I woke feeling a lot cooler than I wanted to feel, I turned to find that the bed was empty, it was still dark outside, so where was Miller? 

I sat up and looked around, just to see if I could see anything that resembled the man I was sleeping with, but there was nothing. I grabbed the nearest thing I could find to cover myself with and headed down the stairs. I always liked the feel of Miller’s shirts, they felt soft and well-worn, there was something incredibly comforting about them.

I found Miller sitting at his kitchen table, in just his t-shirt and briefs, looking at his laptop screen and typing furiously. 

‘So, this is what you get up to after a good shag?’ I teased, leaning on the door frame. I was still exhausted and so was Miller from the way he was frowning at the screen.

Miller half laughed and leaned back, adjusting his glasses and letting his eyes scan over my body hungrily. ‘Come here.’ He said gently. I wandered over and into the pale light of the lamp he’d turned on in the living area. ‘I don’t know why I’m surprised that this looks better on you than me.’ He said, playing with the hem of his blue striped shirt that I had wrapped around my body. Miller gently pulled my hand to indicate he wanted me to sit across his lap.

His body was warm and I liked the way his hands slid over my hips and up my legs. He had his hand placed on my lower back and the other was drawing circles over my knee.

‘You should be sleeping.’ Miller said, quietly looking over my face.

‘You should be sleeping with me.’ I retorted. 

‘Well, I would have been, but Handyman decided to hit me up as the kids say, so I thought I’d best do some work before we head in in the morning.’ He explained, but he seemed to be focussing on my mouth more than his words.

‘Shouldn’t you be focussing on that, instead of thinking about kissing me then?’ I teased, making him laugh as his hand drifted further up my thigh, squeezing the soft flesh.

‘Bold of you to assume that was what I was thinking about.’ Miller leaned up and softly kissed my jaw. ‘But my focus was interrupted.’ I could feel his stubbled jaw sending shivers down my entire body, he could feel it over my thigh as his thumb began stroking the inside where the skin was more sensitive. ‘You know there’s no need to cover up,’ he scraped his teeth across my neck, forcing me to sigh and relax into him. ‘Unbutton it for me.’ 

I couldn’t help but just do as he asked, I wanted to do anything he asked, I wanted to have him whispering the filthiest things to me. I shakily unbuttoned the three buttons I’d done up before descending the stairs and watched him look over every part of my body. I could feel how much it turned him on and I loved it, hoping he would ask me to do something else for him. Miller brought his hand up and ever so lightly traced over my nipple, he was incredibly precise and incredibly tuned to what my body needed and how much it could take.

‘Do you like me like this?’ I asked, not quite being in full control of what I was saying. 

‘I do.’ Miller gave a wicked smile. ‘Very much.’ He kissed me softly and I could sense something very good coming my way. ‘I want you to spread your legs for me.’ 

I took a sharp breath in, feeling his smile against my mouth. I did as I was told, draping both of my legs either side of Miller’s so that he could keep them in position and I’d never felt so exposed in all my life. I loved it. 

‘That’s it.’ He encouraged and kissed my cheek. Miller grazed his hands down the inside of my thighs, making my head fall back onto his shoulder. His fingers gently spread me as he began to very slowly stroke my clit. ‘That’s it, darling, just relax for me.’ He told me. ‘Just relax and let me play with you, yeah?’ I started panting with the bolts of heat that began shooting straight up and down my body. Miller suddenly stopped. ‘Alice, tell me you want me to play with you.’

I felt my back arch up, but his hands kept me in place and I loved it, I loved the control he had over me. I reached up to run my hands through his hair.

‘Tell me, angel.’ Miller had a slightly firmer voice and it disarmed me completely. 

‘I want you to play with me,’ I whispered, trying hard to regain my breath but it was no use, I was done for and I didn’t care. ‘Please.’

Miller smiled against my cheek again and suddenly his fingers were drifting over every part of me his could reach. He whispered how much he enjoyed me begging for him to finger me, begging for him to let me come and I was so happy to play his game.

‘You’re so fucking gorgeous,’ Miller panted. ‘So fucking beautiful, darling.’ He gently bit just below my ear, making me whimper in voluntarily. ‘You gonna come for me?’

‘Yes.’ I breathed as Miller finally slid his fingers inside me. I felt my body starting to writhe.

‘Ah, ah, no you don’t,’ Miller took his hands away. ‘Don’t move. Stay still for me.’

I regained my breath, needing him to go back and finish what he started, he knew perfectly well what he was doing. 

‘That’s it, good girl.’ I hadn’t even realised that having him say that so close to my ear, and so heavily was a turn on, but it was and one that he caught immediately. ‘Is that right?’ He chuckled wickedly.

‘Apparently so.’ I laughed with him. 

‘Well, then,’ Miller ran his tongue up my neck and gently dragged his teeth over my earlobe. ‘Why don’t you be a good girl and come for me?’ He continued from where he left off and began pumping his fingers into me. I was so close. I had no time to think, before suddenly I was coming hard around him. ‘That’s it, angel, that’s it. You’re so good.’ Miller brought me down gently, kissing me and whispering how beautiful he thought I was, until I was simply relaxing against him.

Miller continued to kiss my neck, just breathing with me, his hands running over my stomach as he wrapped his arms around me, keeping me safe in his embrace.

‘You know, that wasn’t what I got up for.’ I croaked.

I felt him chuckle against my skin as he gently began buttoning up his shirt around me, didn’t he want something out of it as well? 

‘I thought you were enjoying yourself.’

‘Oh, you fucking know I did.’ I turned and chuckled against his cheek, moving my head up to kiss him. 

‘Good, because there’s so much more where that came from,’ Miller’s voice deepened as he moved to look at me properly. ‘If you’re interested and we can find a long night to spend together… I would love to make you mine in every way possible.’ 

I felt my heart ache. His lips connected with mine as he kissed me deeply. I loved him. That was it, fact. I loved Randolph Miller. He was safe and unassuming and kind to me. We gave each other something that the other needed, but I was certain that the love I felt wasn’t reciprocated, he probably liked that I made him feel younger, or normal, or whatever we were calling it; but I was so sure that that was all it was.

I took a deep breath and pulled away slightly. ‘You said Handyman made contact?’ I tried anything to distract me from the way I felt.

‘Well, there’s a mood killer if I ever saw one.’ Miller turned back to his computer screen. I just rolled my eyes finding my legs and standing up and returning to lean against the doorframe. ‘He’s asking me what I dream about,’ Miller gave a coy smile. ‘Imagine if I told him.’ 

I tried not to smile too much and shook my head. ‘You’re not going to respond, are you?’

‘Course not.’ Miller just watched me, curiously.

‘Then there’s not reason for you to still be up.’ I raised my eyebrow, playfully.

Miller didn’t move and I wasn’t sure what it was I was supposed to think. He just sat for a few moments watching me. I suddenly felt like I wasn’t welcome in his home anymore and I wanted to leave. I went upstairs and tried to figure out where my clothes were. As much as I loved his shirt around me, I needed to get it off my body, away from my skin. I knew this was a bad idea, I knew getting involved with Miller was a bad idea, why did I let myself get so wrapped up?

‘Angel.’ Miller breathed. I had just gotten his shirt off my shoulders when I heard him. I felt his fingers drifting over my hip, his breath close to my ear and his chest pressing into my back. ‘Don’t leave me… stay.’

I couldn’t say no, not when he felt that good barely doing anything to me. I nodded slowly and felt Miller’s whole body curl around mine. There was a need there that I hadn’t felt before, a need for another warm body to lay next to his and I knew it was a bad idea to stay, but somehow being alone felt so much worse.

Miller woke up first and made coffee, we picked up breakfast on the way to work and began discussing the Handyman case. He made a call to Peep to let her know Handyman made contact and the second we walked into the office, Peep scanned as both knowingly. She rolled her eyes but said nothing. 

I went to my desk to start work on whatever case came through next and Miller told Viv and Joy about what he had in store for Handyman. So that was what he’d been doing when I came down the stairs. If I’d known. I wouldn’t have interrupted. 

A man named Noel had been attacked at a travel agency where he worked, Stuart, Tegan, Taz and Jonah had all been sent down to try and stop the situation before it got out of hand. I, once again, felt fairly useless sitting on the side lines. 

‘Right, I’m heading down there.’ I said to Joy, grabbing my long, grey coat and heading for the door.

‘Wait, Viv says you need to stay here, in case we need you.’ Joy knew it was a weak line and the look from Miller wasn’t helping.

‘Taz just called for back up,’ I said. ‘They need all the help they can get and honestly, you don’t need me here, Miller is more than capable… he doesn’t need me to stay.’ I wasn’t sure what made me say the last part, but Peep was giving me a harsh look. McLaren was just confused and Viv sighed.

‘Alright, go.’ Viv dismissed me and without hesitating, I rushed downstairs, grabbed a helmet and a bike and headed for the travel agency. 

It was absolute carnage, I barely got through the rioters to where the paramedics were treating a wounded man. 

‘What the fuck is going on?’ I asked Taz.

‘I don’t know,’ he said, starting to panic. ‘We need to get him through to the ambulance, but we can’t with them all throwing bottles, they’ll turn them into Molotov’s next.’

I gave Taz a look. ‘Let’s not give them any ideas, Taz.’ I suddenly felt my instincts kick in. ‘Right, Tegan, Jonah, let the medics do their job, we need to make a safe path to the ambulance. Get the dustbins, use them barriers to stop anything being thrown.’ Tegan and Jonah went to gather a couple of extra bodies to help. ‘Taz, keep these people back, you don’t need to push them yet, just keep them where they are. Where’s Stuart?’

‘He’s gone to get the wife,’ Taz said, not panicking nearly as much. ‘She’s in trouble as well, eight months pregnant.’

I felt my heart drop. ‘Right, Stuart can handle it. You focus on your job for now.’ Taz went to organise the police officers into creating a barricade to stop the rioter from getting through. ‘Is he ready to move yet?’ I asked the medics, who confirmed he was. ‘Right, stand by and we’ll clear you path, be ready to move as fast as you can.’

‘We need to keep him steady.’ One of the medics protested, I wasn’t used to people talking back to me when in a desperate situation and something on my face must have shown.

‘You might not have a choice.’ I warned and headed out to see that Tegan and Jonah had been successful. ‘Taz, push them back!’ I commanded and he did exactly that. Tegan didn’t need to be told, she pushed a bin towards me to lead the line. ‘Right, let’s go, quick as you can!’

The medics came out behind me and one by one the police officers with the bins fell in line behind me. We managed to get Noel into the ambulance in good time, but Jonah spotted a figure in a parker walking away. 

‘Tegan.’ I called and made sure Taz had control of the situation while Tegan, Jonah and I ran after the man in the parker. ‘I’ve got him!’ I yelled and raced after him. 

I was well used to running after people through the streets of Baghdad, but Manchester was a city I didn’t know very well. We lost him for a few streets, Tegan catching up to me in the car, I jumped in and tried to get my breath back, before we suddenly spotted him again. Both Jonah and I jumped out and ran after him, but my legs were killing me and the second he jumped a fence, I was done. 

‘Fuck!’ I yelled and turned to see Tegan teasing Jonah about his running. There was nothing more to be done, he was gone. 

Tegan dropped me back at the travel agency and I rode the police bike back to Bailey street to find Viv laughing with Miller at some weird shit on his computer screen.

‘Alice!’ She called me over. ‘How’d it go?’

‘You know, as well as it could’ve,’ I shrugged, trying not to make eye contact with Miller. ‘Tegan and Jonah are still looking for the guy in the parker, but I reckon he’s long gone by now.’ I could feel Miller giving me that some look from the night before, his head slightly tilted, hand resting against the side of his mouth with his eyes narrowed a little; he was observing me in a new way that I wasn’t sure I liked.

‘Good.’ Viv nodded. ‘Well, time for you and Miller to put your collective brains together and spice up these dating profiles. I’ll be back in a minute.’ Viv stood up and wandered away. I suddenly felt very on the spot. 

‘Don’t worry, I won’t bite.’ Miller said and smiled gently at me. ‘I could actually do with a bit of help, if you’re willing to give it?’

I swallowed nervously. I supposed I didn’t have much choice. ‘Sure.’ I nodded and sat down to help Miller pretend to be different people on the dating website to lure Handyman in different directions, we even photoshopped a few pictures to send and that was when I suddenly felt better, like I wasn’t drowning.

We laughed for a while and put some weird shit together and for a while it was fun to hang out with him. Viv came back and sat the other side of Miller, handing us both a coffee and joined in. Spike suddenly came over to tell us that Noel, the unique cargo, was in fact Christie Feeney, the boy who apparently killed a little girl when he was just a boy himself. None of us knew how to feel, but Viv explicitly told me to stay where I was and focus on Handyman while she dealt with Christie Feeney.

I didn’t fancy getting involved, but I also didn’t want to spend the whole day with Miller. I followed Viv to her office and requested a day off.

‘I’m sorry, but I just need to go home for a while.’ I told her. Viv looked at me seriously for a moment.

‘Anything to do with Handyman?’

‘No.’

‘Miller?’

‘No.’

‘Christie Feeney?’

‘No.’

‘Fine.’ Viv nodded. ‘You don’t have to tell me, but I don’t believe you would be requesting a day for no reason.’ She grabbed her coat and phone. ‘Go home. I’ll call if we really need you.’

‘Thanks Viv, I owe you one-‘

‘Ah, ah, I don’t want to hear that.’ She interrupted me. I could only frown at her. ‘You owe me nothing. You owe all of us nothing.’ She said it slowly, like she was trying to make it clear to me that I didn’t need to feel guilty about what happened the day before. I didn’t need to keep punishing myself for past mistakes. 

I nodded and left Friday Street without even speaking to Miller.


	11. What We Need

She’d gone home sick, that was all Viv told him, he didn’t ask for more information and Viv looked somewhat surprised, but after last night it was probably best that Miller tried not to focus on Alice for a while. 

After the day she’d had, Miller was glad to help her find some release, he was more than willing to give into her desires, he found out more about what she needed in that one night than he’d cared to find out about any woman. She enjoyed giving control over to him, he didn’t quite understand why, but if it made her happy and made her want to keep going then he didn’t care. The suggestion of spending a whole night with her just giving into him was one he thought she was excited about, she’d kissed him in a way that said that was what she craved, but then asked about work.

Miller watched her and tried not to give away how hard he’d fallen for her, this was a physical relationship as far as she was concerned, the emotional didn’t come into it and he needed to remember that. As soon as he’d finished thinking about how much he didn’t deserve her, Alice had gone upstairs, he could tell immediately she wanted to leave, but that made his chest cave in almost entirely and he needed her to stay.

His shirt over her slender, strong body was a sight he wasn’t forgetting in a hurry, he liked the way it hung loosely over her shoulders and the way her thick hair framed her beautiful face. Her hazel eyes were made all the more prominent and once her dimples appeared, Miller was a goner, all he wanted was to make her come. But somehow the sight of her having shed his shirt and her perfectly shaped arse in the yellow light, had him begging for her to stay with him. He needed her.

Miller didn’t say anything when she came back from the travel agents, but she looked a little flushed from the ordeal and it had his heart aching again. He once again went through his mantra of telling himself that their relationship was physical, not emotional and he wasn’t allowed to fall for her, no matter how much he wanted to make her happy and help her recover, he had his own issues he needed to deal with.

He spent the day looking at a computer screen and waiting for Handyman to make contact again, Peep was in and out, guiding him through various responses to send, making Patty look vulnerable and right up his street. He was tempted to ask if she’d heard anything from Alice but decided to keep quiet for the time being. That was, until Peep answered the unasked question.

‘Viv wants me to talk to her about her experiences in Afghanistan and Iraq.’ She said, sending back messages over her blackberry and on her other phone. ‘But in my opinion, she won’t benefit from talking unless she feels there’s something that needs to be said.’

Miller just looked at Peep, unsure what to say. 

‘Your relationship with her is helping to release some of the tension she feels concerning those experiences.’ Peep explained and for a moment Miller felt incredibly happy that he was helping. ‘Don’t get too excited.’ She immediately burst his bubble. ‘If you continue to allow her to find release in the form of a physical relationship instead talking about what she feels, then she’ll never really come to terms with what’s happened to her.’

Miller thought for a moment. ‘What would happen to her? If we continue to…’

‘She’ll eventually implode.’ Peep said it whilst reading an email from someone in the ward. ‘She’ll supress so much that eventually she’ll cut off all connections to those around her, losing all control and spiralling into a deep dark hole of depression, anxiety, paranoia and eventually suicidal tendencies.’ Miller’s head snapped around to Peep who had spoken so casually that it shocked him. She looked up at him and assessed his expression. ‘Shit.’ She said, realising something. ‘You’ve fallen for her.’ Miller felt himself start to panic and get uncomfortable.

‘That’s ridiculous,’ he tried. ‘Why would I have any interest in someone like her?’

‘Because she’s an attractive, younger woman with a not-so-unusual sexual desire for older men who can make her feel safe and help her create a cushioned existence, which would be a stark contrast to what she has already experienced in her formative years and early twenties.’ Peep spoke fast and with absolute confidence in what she was saying, she knew people and could understand them in a way no one else could. ‘She’s almost a mirror image of you and you feel undeserving of such a woman, possibly because your divorce was so painful and your daughter no longer wishes to see you, so you feel as if Alice can saved then maybe so can you.’ Fuck, she knew him. Miller turned away, he couldn’t listen to his past being repeated back to him like that. ‘Miller, you listen to me, despite what you want out of this and regardless of what she is asking you to provide her with, two broken people do not always make a whole one.’

‘Sometimes they do.’ Miller wasn’t sure what made him defend himself so suddenly, but it was out there now and Peep probably figured him out in those three little words.

‘Sometimes, yes,’ Peep agreed. ‘But only if those two people are missing things that the other has, but you and Alice are missing the same parts. You’re both missing a sense of control, an understanding of your past and an understanding of yourselves. You’re asking for a car crash and that can’t be reversed as easily as you think.’

Miller sighed and nodded.

‘Look, my advice to you, and you can pass this onto Alice as well, my advice is that you both spend some time getting to know yourselves a bit better and then try to work out if you still need each other.’ Peep was showing her much rarer kind side and Miller appreciated it.

‘What if we don’t?’

‘Then you’ll both find other people to shag, what do you think?’ And just like that, the rare and kind Peep was gone, back to snarky, irritable and stressed. 

Miller thought for a few moments on the idea of not being with Alice and it killed him, he wanted her to be happy and healthy more than he wanted those things for himself. Maybe he should have let her leave the night before, let her go and allowed her the room to grow into the woman she was supposed to be. But on the other hand, if what she needed to do is talk to someone, why couldn’t that be him? 

Another message from Handyman came through. Joy and Dinah came around to look at the screen.

“No school today?”

Miller waited for Peep to come up with a response. 

‘I’m hiding again…’ She started.

‘Isn’t sneaking better?’ Miller asked.

‘Yeah, I like “sneaking”.’ Joy agreed behind him.

‘No, “hiding” carries more vulnerability.’ Peep explained. ‘”I’m hiding again from gym class” spelled correctly, but all one word.’ Damn she was good, Miller typed it in and sent it back to Handyman. ‘We need him to think that Patty’s a clever girl and she’s from a nice family, whose onset adolescence isn’t just frustrating her, it’s turning her against her family because she’s finding them overprotective.’

‘Well that covers my ex-wife to a T,’ Miller said, trying to lighten the mood somewhat. ‘And she summed it up in three words on the divorce papers. “I deserve better”.’ 

Peep just gave him a look and moved on without saying a word. Joy took a phone call and Dinah and Peep had a conversation about Cathy, leaving Miller to have a moment alone to relax without being under the constant gaze of other people. 

He needed to refocus on the case, but Alice was still playing on his mind. Maybe he should have messaged her, let her know that he was there if she needed to talk. That was what Peep said she needed, someone to talk to about what happened to her, maybe just asking her if she was alright was the way to keep her happy and in his life.

“Hey angel, here if you need to talk.” Milled nodded to himself, that seemed like a good start.

Peep left him with some tips and advice on what to do if Handyman made contact again while she went back to work for a while. Miller did his best and had a conversation with Handyman that led to the ultimate response. While Viv was out with the team picking up Christie Feeney, Miller managed to get Handyman to agree to a date.

Miller stood up and had a moment of celebration while he went to meet Viv at the door to tell her the good news. He was feeling especially good about himself and made a bit of a spectacle, but nothing too out of the ordinary for him.

He met Dinah and Spike at the door and gave them both an overly excited look, before approaching Viv and showing off with a little victory dance.

‘We’ve got a date,’ he sang. ‘He’s agreed to a date.’

‘Today?’ Viv looked almost shocked.

‘He won’t say where, but er…’ Miller couldn’t resist. ‘I’ve scored.’ He winked at Viv who didn’t look to have any time for games.

‘Okay, okay, now warn McLaren,’ Viv started planning the next part of the operation. ‘We’re going to need warrants for surveillance. Tell him I’ll be right over as soon as I’ve delivered the precious cargo.’ 

Miller nodded and headed off to do exactly that. 

It was a fast moving operation and a part of him was distracted that he’d heard nothing from Alice yet. 

“Everything okay?” 

He sent the text in the hopes that she would give him something to go on, something to get him through the rest of the day. He got the warrants and waited for Handyman to tell him where they were going to meet. He’d put up all the responses and messages sent to and from Handyman on a board to make it easier to assess and suddenly a message came through from Alice.

“I’m fine. Just needed a day to recover, that’s all.”

Miller wasn’t sure what to think of it, but tried something else.

“You want me to come over tonight? Maybe talk about things?”

Before he could check for a reply, Viv came bowling in to check the board and plan the next move.

‘Benchill bowl, 8pm.’ She said. ‘Yes!’ She gave everyone their respective praise and turned to the computer screen. ‘And I am gonna jump right down your filthy neck and wring it from in the inside matey!’ Miller laughed at her enthusiasm, it had been a successful chat op as far as he was concerned. ‘No phone number yet though?’

‘There’s been no advisable opening to push on that.’ Peep told her.

‘Yeah, can we speed that up?’ Joy asked and even Miller rolled his eyes.

‘Can we speed up an advisable opening?’ Peep was just as irritated by the question. ‘No. Have we used a numerical two yet?’ She turned her attention back to Miller.

‘No, we’ve been a fairly good speller so far.’ He told her.

‘Use one now. Like she’s getting impatient.’ Peep leaned forward for Miller to compose the message. 

‘And excited?’ 

‘No, impatient. “I can’t wait to see what you sound like.”’ Miller composed the message just as McLaren walked around the corner. He was only there to scold Viv for how she handled the Christie Feeney delivery and Miller decided to stay out of it and focus on the task in front of him.

Viv disappeared to deal with Feeney and while everyone was figuring out their next move, Miller glanced at his phone. 

“What do you want to talk about?”

Miller checked to see if anyone was looking before replying.

“Look, I just want to know if there’s anything I can do for you?”

Miller didn’t have time to fully focus on the conversation because Peep was back and guiding him through the next steps in catching Handyman. They needed to get a number and a positive ID on the guy, but he was making them come up short every time. Miller took his jacket off and stretched his neck as Joy came around the corner and checked up on the progress.

‘Fuck!’ She exclaimed, pinning the last message to the board, that was Handyman saying he’d pay for the cab. ‘If he’s hedging his bets all the way, we can’t nick him!’

‘Yes, we can.’ Dinah said, looking at the board and thinking out loud. ‘Taxi arrives at the bowling alley, you wait for him to pay for the cab, you dive straight in and taser the nonce.’

‘Dinah, why would the man pay for an empty cab?’ Joy asked, a very good point well made. Miller had a sinking feeling about where this was going.

‘The fact is,’ Peep spoke up. ‘We need a lovely bit of syndrome bait.’ 

Miller took a breath and glanced at his phone, but couldn’t quite see what Alice had responded with, he didn’t want anyone else to see, so just put the phone away while everyone around him continued to work.

They pulled in someone who had been on the case a while back to pretend to be Cathy and everything seemed to be going well. She agreed to being bait, she wanted to catch this twat as much as any of them and Miller thought that it was incredibly brave on her part. Viv gave them some cash to go out and get ready to meet Handyman, while Miller headed back to the lab to finish up any paperwork that he’d left over the course of the day. 

“You can keep me updated on the cases, but otherwise, I’m good… don’t worry about me so much. I’m just resting while I can.”

“Whatever the lady wants.”

Miller sighed and figured he would need to head back to Friday street to make good on his word.

‘What you doing here?’ Viv frowned as he approached the conference room.

‘Just wanted to make sure you didn’t need my expert help with anything else before I head home.’ Miller lied and Viv could tell, but she didn’t say anything. ‘Might as well finish what I started.’ He smiled and wandered towards his seat without saying another word. He was exhausted and could have done with a good night’s sleep himself.

Joy presented the case and the result of what Miller had managed to collect all day, the time, the place, everything except a real name or picture of the guy. McLaren was an arse, making Joy lose confidence, but Viv was the boss she needed to be and got her back on track. It looked to be a standard surveillance op, undercover officers in the alley and around the area, everyone else on hand to make sure it goes smoothly.

She ended the presentation by telling people the golden rule, ‘who’s watching the watchers?’ Miller couldn’t help but feel a little pride, she’d learnt so much over the few years she’d been in her position and since her promotion, she only excelled.

Peep caught up with him at the end and asked him briefly if he’d heard from Alice.

‘I sent her a message asking if she needed anything.’ Miller gave a small smile.

‘Right,’ Peep scanned him while they walked. ‘What did she say?’

‘Just to keep her updated on the case, so that’s what I’m about to do.’ Miller suddenly felt like he made an ill-judged move. ‘Why am I sensing another lecture about my inability to form functional relationships coming my way?’

‘Alice is a soldier,’ Peep said a little quieter so that they wouldn’t be overheard. ‘She’s used to following and giving orders, her life has been black and white for far too long without any sense of there being a grey area. She’s come home to a place where we live in the grey area, don’t start telling her any different now.’

Peep wandered off and Miller thought hard on what she meant. Alice had asked him to give her updates on the case and he just said yes without question, maybe he needed to question her intent. He decided to phone her instead of texting.

‘Mitchell.’ She answered, he could hear the sounds of the television in the background and a kettle boiling, at least she was relaxing. 

‘Alright, angel?’ Miller said, cheerily, trying to cheer her up. ‘How you feeling?’ 

‘Miller.’ She sighed, but he could hear the slight smile on her face regardless. ‘I’m good, just resting. What’s happening over there? Tegan says you’re all going on a sting?’

Miller remembered what Peep said about black and white. ‘Yeah, the others are, I’ve got a rare night off. Fancy spending it with me?’ He suddenly felt like he was whining for a fuck and amended his words. ‘I mean, I’m not asking for a quick shag or anything, I just thought you might want the company for a while?’ 

He could hear her wandering about making some tea and thinking on his offer. 

‘Okay, I mean, if you’ve got nothing better to do, I was just going to watch tv to be honest, nothing interesting.’

‘Interesting enough for me.’ Miller tried to sound cheery, but he was suddenly wondering if any of this was really a good idea. ‘I’m just finishing up a few bits, but I’ll be over in an hour or so, yeah?’

‘Okay.’

‘Right, you hungry, I can pick up something on the way?’

‘Sure, sounds good.’

Miller tried his hardest to finish up the paperwork he still had to do, anything to get himself out of there quicker and over to Alice’s flat. He was worried she would message him to tell him not to come and, of course, if that was what she wanted, he wouldn’t go over. But he wanted to, desperately. 

He raced over to the shit end of town with Chinese takeaway in one hand, wine in the other and knocked on her door, trying not to sound too eager. 

‘Took your time.’ Alice said, opening the door, her thick, dark blonde hair was up in her usual loose bun and she wore a baggy white t-shirt and tight black shorts. Nothing else could have made his knees weaken in quite the same way. Miller just chuckled and stepped through the door.

‘Yeah, would’ve come sooner, but it was one of those evenings where the paper ran of ink, then paper, then the fucking will to live.’ He followed her through to the kitchen and helped her dish out the Chinese and pour the wine. ‘On the plus side, the sting is currently taking place inside a rather dingy bowling alley and Handyman will be locked behind bars in due course.’

‘That is good news.’ Alice smiled. ‘All down to your brilliant work in behaving like a total nonce online.’ 

‘I do have some talent.’ Miller joked with her and was glad to see she was at least in a good mood. ‘But then again, I was assisted by a team of women, all of whom will go unmentioned in the history books. Who ever said sexism is dead?’ 

Alice laughed and sipped a little of the wine. They sat down on the sofa and relaxed in front of the tv, Miller had no clue what was on, but he was more focussed on how wonderful her legs looked in the dim light of her living room.

‘So, what have you been up to while I’ve been flirting with a serial killer?’ Miller asked, making her chuckle. 

‘Not much, just had a tidy up and watched tv for a while.’ Alice said, shoving another mouthful of rice into her mouth. Miller had a quick glance around her flat, if this was what she called a tidy flat, then maybe she wasn’t so perfect, but then again, he thought it more likely that she was lying to him.

‘Really? Because the last time I was round, you’d just moved in, there were boxes everywhere and it was still tidier than this.’ Miller decided to be direct with her and try to ease her into talking to him. Alice just looked at him, panic started to flood her eyes. ‘Anything you want to talk about?’

Alice was silent for a while, he waited patiently, this wasn’t the time to be gobby. They finished their food and put the plates on the table before she showed any signs of speaking.

‘It’s just…’ she started and Miller turned himself towards her, paying her all the attention she deserved. ‘It’s just difficult… being back…’ she swallowed down a lump in her throat. ‘I just need time to adjust properly.’

‘Okay…’ Miller had a very bad feeling about where this was going. ‘What does that mean for us?’

‘Us?’ She had tears building up fast in her eyes and Miller didn’t want to complicate things any further. 

‘I just mean, would you rather I let you figure this stuff out alone?’ Miller could feel his heart dropping. She just watched him for a moment.

‘What am I to you?’ Alice asked and Miller was about to drop to his knees and tell her everything about what she meant to him, but his fucking gobby mouth stopped that.

‘Best shag I ever had,’ he joked. ‘Cracking body and the less shit you take from me, the more I like working with you.’ Alice didn’t laugh, if anything she just looked incredibly hurt, but she slipped behind a mask that Miller didn’t like looking at. ‘Look, not to sound too mushy or anything, but I like spending time with you… you make me feel good in more ways than one and…’ Miller took a deep breath, it was now or never. ‘And no one has ever made me feel as wanted before.’

Alice let another few tears go, he wanted to wipe them away, to kiss her and take her to bed and make love to her the way she deserved. She adjusted so that she was facing him and just as her mouth dropped to speak, Miller’s phone rang. He closed his eyes and felt a burning rage he’d only felt a few times, surge through him. It was Viv. He declined the call and turned back to Alice who smiled weakly, about to speak again when Viv called back. 

‘You’d better answer.’ Alice said, her voice breaking in too many places. ‘She’ll only keep calling if you don’t.’ 

Miller sighed, she was right. ‘Right, but whatever you were about to say, you say it as soon as I’m done, yeah?’

‘Okay.’ Alice nodded. 

Miller stood up and took the call. ‘Viv, you’ve just caught me in the middle of an orgy, it’d better be worth the money I paid for this.’ He was glad that he could at least make Alice smile, but Viv was making his chest cave in. ‘Right, send me the address, I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

Miller hung up and took a deep breath, turning to Alice who just looked disappointed. 

‘Patrick Llewelyn is dead,’ he told her. ‘He went to the warehouse, attacked Cathy and did a runner. I need to head to his apartment, he’s still got an alibi for one of the murders and it’s all hands on deck.’ 

‘Right,’ Alice wiped away her tears and stood up. ‘Let me grab my shoes and we’ll go.’

‘You don’t have to come-‘

‘Miller,’ she interrupted and sighed, exasperated. ‘I haven’t completed a single case from start to finish since starting this job, I want to finish this one.’ She told him. ‘My coat’s just behind you, let’s go.’

Miller felt a surge of pride, she was brave, he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to voluntarily switch moods like that, but then he’d never really had cause to. He grabbed her long, grey coat and followed her out, finishing off his wine before he made it to the door. Their chat would have to wait and part of him was dreading it.


	12. Sinking Feeling

We were just behind Miller’s van when we got to Patrick’s flat and began looking around before Viv and the others turned up. 

‘What you doing here?’ Viv said as she wandered in, taking a look around.

‘Miller phoned,’ I lied, making Miller glance at me momentarily. ‘Said it was all hands on deck and he could use the help.’

‘He should’ve left you to your day off.’

That wasn’t exactly the outcome I had wanted, I didn’t mean to drop Miller in the shit like that, but I was sick of people assuming that every time we were together, we were shagging. 

‘Yeah, well, this was the first case Alice was kindly dropped in, thought she might have liked to finish what she started.’ Miller’s response told me that he was listening and potentially forgave my slip up.

I just smiled at Viv in agreement and carried on looking around the flat for anything out of the ordinary.

‘Hey, this is night to remember though,’ Miller stood up and bagged up the laptop on Llewelyn’s desk. ‘Girl outside offered me a hand job just for a look around the place.’

‘Take her up on it?’ Viv responded very quickly indeed. 

‘Considered it, you know, wipe clean and all.’ He gestured his white boiler suit and I decided it was best for me to check out another room. There was no need to get emotional about something so trivial. 

I could hear the others discussing the fact that Llewelyn still had an alibi for one of the murders, he was seen at the Blue Anchor pub and Spike firmly told Joy he would re-check it out and confirm anything he might have missed. We all continued to check around the flat for anything that would help in the case. Miller didn’t look at me a single time since we arrived and part of me was incredibly disappointed, but the other part of me figured he was just doing his job.

Suddenly Dinah hit the jackpot and found a book filled with times and places that Cathy had been. He was watching the house. 

Finally we were done, nothing else we could do and it was time to get back to Friday street and figure out how we had missed the fucker in the first place. Miller put police tape over the front door to stop anyone getting in without breaking through and I gave him a quick smile, but he didn’t reciprocate. I wondered if he was just tired and having one of his moods, but Viv made a joke and he seemed perfectly capable of laughing at it. Maybe it was me.

We finally managed to collect a few bits and pieces and went through the whole of the flat trying to find anything else that would help to wrap this case up. The alibi was where we were falling down and it was incredibly irritating, there had to be something that we were missing, but if there was, it wasn’t in the flat. 

Miller taped up the front door just as the morning had started, we’d been in there all night and I was exhausted again, so much for spending a day resting. 

I caught a ride with Viv back to Friday street and didn’t see Miller for the rest of the week while he went through Lewellyn’s belongings. I didn’t think much of it, that was until I ran into him late one evening on the stairs. He stopped one step down from me so we were eye level with each other.

‘Miller.’ I gave him a tired smile, which he reciprocated, but it looked strained. 

‘Alice.’ He nodded. ‘Viv still in?’

‘Yeah, she’s just finishing up with Joy at the moment.’ I told him and suddenly we were both thrust into an awkward silence. It had never been awkward before. ‘Anyway, I’m just off home.’

‘Right, yeah, don’t let me keep you.’ Miller said, but he didn’t move out of the way right away. ‘Sorry, I should apologise, I was gonna call you and see if you wanted to… to finish our little chat.’ There were a couple of people still wandering around, but they were all too exhausted to really care that we were talking to each other, let alone care about what we were saying. ‘You never got to tell me what you thought about what I said.’

‘Right,’ I nodded, feeling a nervousness build in the pit of my stomach. ‘Right, yeah, I just…’ I wasn’t so sure I wanted to tell him the truth anymore, the more I thought about what it was he said to me on my sofa, the less I wanted to tell him how I really felt about him. ‘I think I just need to, you know… Dr Peep suggested it actually, since coming back… it’s been really difficult and being with you has blurred some lines… not that I haven’t enjoyed, you know, us… I just don’t really know myself… and I should.’ I didn’t say any of it right and it seemed Miller was really only picking up on what he wanted to hear. ‘Yeah, I didn’t say that right, but the point is, I-‘

‘Yeah, I get it.’ Miller interrupted, there was a moment where he looked like he was in pain, but suddenly he was chuckling to cover it up. ‘I understand, you need to reacquaint yourself with who you are.’ He stepped around me and was being his usual eccentric and flamboyant self and I suddenly realised it was a defence mechanism. ‘Let me know when that happens and you’ll find me in the nearest strip club, pining for more than a wank.’ He wandered away towards Viv’s office and I knew I fucked up. 

I sighed and headed out of Friday street, maybe tomorrow would be a better day and Miller would be in a better mood.

Viv had us all in the conference room to confirm that with everything we’d gathered together, we could safely go to the parents of the victims and tell them Patrick Llewelyn killed their children and now he was dead. McLaren and Peep were in on the meeting, but something still didn’t quite feel right to me. 

Spike came rushing in to show us CCTV footage of Llewellyn leaving the pub through another exit and turning up close to where Lucy Cooke was killed, that was his alibi gone. Viv soon got a phone call confirming that the laptop recovered from Llewelyn’s flat was the one used to run the Handyman account. 

I had thought that with that information to hand, I would feel better about catching Llewelyn, but something still felt off. He didn’t match Peep’s profile, she said being gay would rule him out, but we’d brought no evidence forward to confirm that he was gay, so maybe I was just focussing on nothing.

Joy was especially happy, it was the first case she was sergeant on and it was a big one to start her career off properly with. Everyone was ecstatic, except myself, Dinah and Peep. They all left to spread the good news, leaving the three of us in the conference room to think.

‘If we didn’t have the notebook and the laptop,’ Dinah started to ask Peep. ‘Would you still think he fits the profile?’ It was a good question and one I was intrigued to find out the answer to.

‘Within an acceptable margin, yeah he fits the profile.’ She nodded and close the file in front of her. ‘Does that mean I think he’s your man…?’ Peep didn’t answer her own question, she just gave an unconvinced look and left. Dinah and I looked at each other.

‘Something feel off to you as well then?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, don’t know what, just… a feeling.’ Dinah agreed. I was under the impression she’d found out everything she needed to know about what I’d done surrounding the eight-year-old boy in Baghdad, because one day she started being nicer to me, she looked at me as if she felt sorry for me. I didn’t deserve her pity, but if it meant we could work together cohesively, then so be it. 

‘Viv seems pretty certain about it.’ I countered. ‘But I think you’re right, I think Llewellyn was involved in a big way, but I’m not so sure he’s the one we’re looking for.’ 

I stood up and headed back to my desk, I went over every single piece of evidence we’d collected, I took away the notebook and the laptop and tried to figure out if I would still think it was Llewellyn without them. I didn’t, not by a long shot.

‘I mean, we could show Cathy the photo,’ I said, as I headed over to Dinah’s desk and sat on the edge. ‘If she’s up for it, just to be sure.’

‘I can’t put her through anymore of this, Alice.’ Dinah shook her head.

‘Look, I’m not saying show her anything she isn’t ready to see,’ I sighed. ‘But if we’re right and Patrick isn’t the guy we’re looking for, then she will be able to tell us and we can finally put this to bed.’ 

Dinah considered it for a moment before telling me she’d think about it. I got on with the new case Spike and Joy brought in, needing to head down to Bailey street to get Miller’s report on the surrounding areas to get started. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. 

Miller was short and to the point, there was minimal flirting, the way he was with everyone else and he never once called me angel.

‘Look, I didn’t mean to push you away, you know.’ I finally told him when we were alone in his office. ‘I was just letting you know that I’ve got stuff to figure out and I need help getting through it.’

‘My help?’ Miller was barely looking at me, he as just shuffling files around and looking especially stressed.

‘I don’t know.’ I admitted. ‘I don’t really know what I need.’

‘Then why are you still here?’ He said, exasperated. I could feel a rush of heartbreak and anger and I hated feeling those things so harshly.

‘I’m not.’ I told him. ‘I’m gone.’ 

I didn’t dare look back, I just went back to Friday street and helped Spike and Joy prep to interview the owner of the breaker yard where the body was found. Viv was buzzing about finally getting the guy responsible and I watched from the observation room with her, loving every moment he sat there squirming. 

“Figure out who you are and then we can talk… I’m here if you need me.” Miller.

I stopped concentrating on the interview to frown at the text. What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?

“You’ve made your position clear. It was just sex, it was just company and that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting anything more. I just needed a friend.”

Viv gave me a questioning look, but I just shook my head and waited for a reply.

“It wasn’t just sex and I didn’t want to just be your friend.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

It was a long while before I got a reply, but when I did, my whole world zeroed in on four words.

“I fell for you.”

My body drained of everything, before filling back up with every emotion under the sun. I was happy, disappointed, sad, joyful, relieved, angry, heartbroken and entirely confused, but before I could really assess my thought process, the interview was coming to a fairly sharp end. 

I left to assess what the hell I was going to do when Dinah started phoning me. 

‘Dinah.’ Why was I panting?

‘You alright? You sound out of breath.’ She said, I could hear she was in the car.

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ I lied. ‘What’s up?’ 

‘I’m heading over to the hospital where Patrick Llewellyn was, thought I might see if we can dig a bit deeper into his past and see if our hunch is right.’ She explained. ‘You want in?’

‘Definitely.’ I sighed, relieved that there was something easier to focus on than the unanswered text message from Miller. ‘I’ll meet you there.’ 

I was already heading down to the garage to grab a bike and drive off in the direction of the hospital. Breathing seemed to be a struggle, breathing deeply and calmly. Dinah asked if I was alright, but I didn’t need her to ask me that, I needed to get in and talk to the doctor about Patrick. 

Dinah led the interview, but the doctor couldn’t just tell us the information because it was confidential. It descended into a guessing game, one that I was especially good at from my time in the army. We found out that Patrick had been at the hospital for five months, he was a bigger risk to himself more than anyone else, which didn’t seem quite right in terms of becoming a serial killer.

We headed back to Friday street and Dinah told Viv what we knew and raised our suspicions about Llewellyn. She didn’t seem terribly convinced, but she didn’t exactly shut Dinah down and that was the opening we needed to pursue what we knew and try to figure things out from there. 

Spike and Joy had walked back into the office, it was strange that they would be together and looking guiltier than usual. Viv questioned them on it and it seemed like for a moment they went off book, but Dinah distracted my attention by saying that Cathy ran out of the house, upset.

‘Alice, you coming?’ She said. She didn’t need to ask me twice, I was out of there, grabbing my coat and following her down to her car to get Cathy back.

She was down at the docks and yelling about how if she’d just come back, she would have remembered, but that wasn’t the way things worked.

‘Cathy, you need to stop blaming yourself,’ I cut Dinah off before she could speak. ‘This whole thing doesn’t rest on your shoulders alone. I know you feel guilty, you survived where the others didn’t, I get that. But it doesn’t mean you should put this pressure on yourself. The case is finished, he’s dead. It’s over.’

Cathy turned to face me. ‘No, it’s not.’

I looked at Dinah, both of us felt a tingling feeling and a sinking one that we might have been right all along. Cathy led us into the abandoned building and told us she remembered the sounds of the place, she could remember certain things that were only clear now that she was back. We ventured further through the rough building. We found a padlocked door, I picked up a pole and with one swift movement, broke the lock.

‘You done that before?’ Dinah asked.

‘More times than I’d care to admit.’ I half smiled as I opened the door to find a small room with chemicals sitting to one side in containers. 

It was rough and dirty and I’d seen places like this overseas. I felt my chest starting to inflate painfully. I shook it off and tried to focus on Cathy. It looked like she was suddenly remembering things she’d previously hidden away, she was raped in this room and for a moment she was silent.

‘The cat was talking to another man on the phone…’ Cathy told us. ‘The one that did stuff. Dinah, there were two of them. I wasn’t raped by the cat-man, it was the other man.’ Dinah just looked at me and I couldn’t bear being inside the cramped space any longer. I could hear screaming in my head, echoes of a distant memory trying to resurface.

I rushed back outside into the clear air and breathed as deeply and smoothly as I could. I knew something felt wrong about this case, I knew that it couldn’t have been Llewellyn on his own, it didn’t make sense, there were too many missing pieces. I thought about Miller, about the first night we were together, I focused on that for a while, before Dinah slowly approached me.

‘Alice,’ she said, quietly. It was soothing, unlike what was happening in my head. ‘We need to tell Viv.’

I took another breath, wiped away my tears subtly and nodded. ‘Right, let’s go.’ 

We drove over to Viv’s she wasn’t especially pleased to see us both, but upon seeing Cathy let us into her house and made some tea. I was aware that I was still shaking slightly, but Viv didn’t seem to notice and any time she looked at me, I refocused her attention back on Cathy.

Viv wasn’t happy about any of it, I think some part of her re-evaluated the case once both Dinah and I brought our concerns to her attention, a part of her thought we might have been right and with Cathy now sharing the information she remembered by going back to the docks, it was hard to deny that we may have missed something big. 

Dinah dropped Cathy back home and the next morning, Viv and I headed straight for Llewellyn’s flat to see what we may have missed. 

It was a long night and I spent it figuring out if I should have text Miller back or not, maybe I should have phoned. I started dialling but hung up, thinking it was the worst idea in the world. He phoned me back nearly ten times and I couldn’t bear the thought of answering, I just kept staring at those four words, wondering what the hell they really meant.

‘You heard from Miller?’ Viv asked, not so causally in the car ride over.

‘Yeah, he text me yesterday.’ I nodded.

‘Say anything interesting?’ Viv was asking leading questions, but I wasn’t in the mood. I just sighed and opened up the case file in front of me, still going over the Llewellyn case. ‘I take that as a yes.’

‘He didn’t say anything, Viv.’ I snapped. ‘Nothing of note anyway.’ 

‘You’re a damn good liar, Alice,’ she chuckled. ‘But not good enough to fool me.’ I looked over at her, she was peering out at the road as if she’d said nothing at all. ‘I’ll give you everything you need to help you recover, but you can’t lie to me, especially not where one of my oldest friends is concerned.’

‘Sounds like a warning, Viv.’ I commented and got back to the case.

‘It is.’

‘Yeah,’ I sighed. ‘Unfortunately, I don’t take warnings very well.’ Viv suddenly turned her head towards me. ‘Be straight with me and I’ll be straight with you, I’ll tell you anything you want to know as long as I get the same response. But remember I was a soldier, you think I survived by letting people have the chance to warn or threaten me?’

Viv was silent for a moment. ‘What’s the nature of your relationship with Miller?’

‘None of your business, quite frankly.’ I retorted. 

I turned to face her and suddenly we both started laughing, uncontrollably. 

‘Oh, I picked a good one in you.’ Viv said as we pulled up to the flat. ‘A fucking great one.’ 

We went up to the balcony and I could just see Dinah’s car pulling up next to Viv’s, we waited a few moments for her to catch up before going inside. 

We were only looking around for a few moments when Viv came through from the kitchen complaining about the piano being played wrong next door. 

‘I got the notebook from up there?’ Dinah said, pointing to the spot she’d found the book that told us Llewellyn was watching Cathy. Viv and I just looked at her. ‘Well, I used that chair to get up there. I didn’t put it back.’ 

‘Neither did I.’ Viv said, I shook my head, it wasn’t me either. ‘Spike could’ve, Joy, Miller…?’

‘Miller sealed the place right after we left, right?’

‘Yeah, I watched him do it myself.’ I said.

‘He’s a randy old sod, but he knows his business.’ Viv rolled her eyes. 

There didn’t seem to be anything else to say on the matter and instead of dwelling on it, we just continued to search through the place to find anything that would have led us to the real killer, but nothing was jumping out at us. 

I was the last out and locked the front door again, handing the key back to Viv, before suddenly noticing something odd. I picked up the police tape to look at it better.

‘Viv, Dinah.’ I called them both back. They clocked in straight away.

‘Two different kinds of tape?’ Dinah said.

‘Maybe Miller ran out, got a new roll.’ Viv tried to explain it.

‘No, he didn’t.’ I shook my head. ‘He told me once he never uses two different rolls, he’d rather just open a new one to do the whole thing.’

‘He’s been here.’ Dinah concluded the same thing I did. ‘The other man, he’s been back since we left.’

‘Why would he?’ Viv questioned. ‘Why risk it?’

‘Clean the place, or pick something up… something that might ID him.’ 

I hated the sinking feeling, the feeling that everything I knew was going into freefall, it was a hell of a theory, but how did he know that we’d been in Llewellyn’s flat in the first place? I didn’t voice my concerns, for fear of what it might have meant. We needed to question the officer standing watch at the front of the building. 

He claimed no one had been in and out except the residents. Neither Viv nor I believed him and eventually we managed to get out of him that a man in a white boiler suit had been in that afternoon just before us, but the officer hadn’t seen his face to be able to ID him. We needed to start asking the residents if they’d seen anything… again.

We got lucky that one resident who was extremely calm to the point of irritation had a camera out to see if he could catch who was pissing in his plant pots. My phone started ringing and I quickly apologised, wandering away to see who it was. Miller. I sighed and that sinking feeling was back. I declined the call and shook my head when Viv gave me a strange look.

The resident handed over the CCTV footage and the three of us went back to Friday street, I was tasked with going through and finding the killer when he came back to the building. But something was starting to dawn on Viv and Dinah as well, something that we could all see but weren’t saying out loud just yet. 

It seemed that Joy and Spike had gone and arrested the man responsible for beating up a homeless guy without Viv’s consent. I don’t think she cared much, because she just said her congratulations and sent me into her office to go through the footage. Everyone was at the office, including Miller over from the lab. I didn’t dare make eye contact, I just went into Viv’s office with Dinah and started scrolling through the rough time we’d been given. 

‘So, what’s going on with you and Miller?’ Dinah asked, sitting opposite me while we waited for Viv. I looked up at her and felt my eyes narrow slightly.

‘Are you asking casually? Or because you’re starting to reach the same conclusion as me?’ I shot back. Dinah seemed to be caught off guard by my response. 

Viv came into the office and we eventually managed to find the moment that the man in the boiler suit appeared at the building entrance. A celebration over the case they’d been working started beyond the office door and Viv just watched them for a while. One of us needed to say it.

‘Any officer could hold of one of those suits.’ She said, Dinah and I just looked at her.

‘Nobody knew where Cathy was.’ Dinah added.

‘Except the people we told…’ Viv countered and I felt that sinking feeling starting to get to me all the more. ‘Except the men who were supposed to be guarding her.’

I sat back in Viv’s chair and thought about the time when the man in the boiler suit could be seen. You couldn’t see much or suss who it might have been just from his walk or posture, so we needed to start ruling our guys out and now that we knew a bit more about what we were looking for, we needed to head back to Patrick’s flat.

‘Whoever it was who broke in, must have taken something.’ I said, hating every word that was falling from my mouth as I slipped on some gloves that Dinah handed me.

‘Our dignity for starters.’ Viv shot back as she looked over a picture of Patrick on top of the mantle piece. ‘He’s got us rooting around like we’re looking for sodding car keys. Whoever he is, he’s laughing at us.’

‘We can’t deal with this on our own, Viv.’ Dinah said, surprising both myself and Viv. ‘We have to take this external.’

‘No way.’ Viv said, immediately. Even I knew that was a bad idea. ‘The only way I would dream of risking that is if I was one hundred percent positive it was one of me own.’

‘I agree, I think it’s best to keep this between the three of us for now.’ I chimed in. ‘Just until we’ve ruled out more people. If it is one of ours, there’s no reason to think that they might not know where we are right now. We need to be sure.’ Dinah just looked exasperated. ‘The one thing we can’t deny is that Patrick was getting information that only someone close to us could have known.’

‘Whatever he came back for, we know when he did.’ Viv got us on track. ‘We have to rule out where our boys were.’ Viv assessed Dinah and myself, before turning to Dinah. ‘You first.’

Dinah looked at me as if I could help before saying. ‘McLaren?’

‘Give over!’ Viv scoffed. ‘If he knew we were talking about him like this, we’d be straight for the sack, or the bin.’

‘Well, who would you rather? Miller?’ Dinah shot and immediately I felt a pain in my chest. I didn’t know where Miller was that night to confirm or deny.

‘You see his hookers?’ Viv asked and I was almost close to bursting. ‘Plural sometimes.’ I couldn’t tell if she was trying to get a rise out of me or not.

‘Who told you that?’ I asked, frowning.

‘He did.’ She shot back immediately. ‘He forgot who was chauffeuring him home.’ 

I sighed and tried to put it out of my mind, we needed to focus. ‘Where was Spike?’ I asked, moving on as quickly as I could.

‘I’m godmother to his kids.’ Dinah said in a way that said she might have thrown up at the thought of it being him. 

‘Someone always is.’ Viv said, sadly. ‘Spike cleared Patrick’s alibi, next thing you know Patrick’s abducted another victim.’

‘She said, Patrick begged him not to make him do it. Begged.’ Dinah argued back. My mind was firmly planted on my phone that was once again vibrating in my pocket. ‘You really think any of them could have done that?’

‘We need to find out where they were, when, so we know who to trust.’ Viv implored. I looked at me phone. Miller again. ‘Answer it, put aside the shit you’re not dealing with and find out where he was this afternoon.’ 

I really didn’t want to talk to Miller, not at all, but not talking to him was making my whole being ache with pain. ‘Fine.’ I sighed. I took a breath and answered. ‘Mitchell.’ I said in a rather professional tone. 

‘Alice.’ He was crying. ‘Alice, please can I see you?’ He must have been drunk because his words were slurring all over the place.

‘Miller, where are you?’

‘I’m outside.’ He said and I could hear the sounds of my neighbour yelling at him to shut up. ‘Where are you?’

I gave Viv a helpless look. 

‘I was at the bar with Dinah and Viv,’ I lied. ‘I’m closer to yours, how about I meet you there?’

‘You’ll come over? You’ll talk to me?’ Miller asked as if unable to believe I would do such a thing.

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m on my way now.’ I told him. ‘Just grab a cab and I’ll see you soon, yeah?’

‘I’m in love with you.’ Miller suddenly blurted out and I felt all of my tears suddenly flush out of my face. I left Patrick’s flat immediately so that Dinah and Viv couldn’t see me. ‘Angel?’

‘Yeah, I’m here.’ My voice cracked, I didn’t know how to feel. ‘I’ll see you soon, Miller.’

I hung up and took a deep breath of cool night air, it was just enough for me to pop my head back in and tell Viv and Dinah that I was leaving to deal with Miller. I would try and find out where he was. 

Unfortunately, as soon as I made it to Miller’s place, he was passed out on his front step. I was never getting anything out of him in that state. I managed to get him inside, undressed, into bed and put some water, painkillers and bucket next to his bed. He was barely conscious and by the time I’d finished, the sun was starting to come up. It had been a very long night. 

I phoned Viv to tell her that Miller was unconscious and unable to tell me anything about anything, she wanted me to try again in the morning and once again I was not looking forward to it.


	13. Stay Angel

Tegan phoned to tell me shots had been fired on a bridge and a runner had been shot dead, this was the last thing I needed. 

‘Right, call Joy and get Miller and his gang over there to see what they can get.’ I said, rushing to find some clean jeans to wear. 

‘Why don’t you just turn over and ask Miller yourself?’ Tegan teased.

‘Wrong move, Tegan. Wrong time and wrong choice of words.’ I told her firmly. ‘I’ll be there soon.’

I hung up and thought about how I could make myself look more natural over the course of the day and not look as though I was checking up on people to see if they were actually a serial killer. 

“I’m sorry.” 

I sighed and looked down at the text from Miller, it was the last thing I needed, but also provided a small opening that I would need. 

“For appearances sake, it’s business as usual. I’ll come and see you later today and we can talk.” 

I jumped in a taxi and tried to breathe as steadily as I could. I felt like I was back in the war, like this was my last operation and nothing I knew was real. It felt like Afghanistan all over again. This was the reason I was discharged, a sleeper in the ranks and myself along with my commanding officer were the only ones who saw it. I couldn’t handle the prospect then, now it was just a reoccurring nightmare. 

It was a jogger who’d been shot, Joy was already there trying to organise people when I arrived, but Viv and Dinah hadn’t shown up yet. I could see Miller’s van pulling up out of the corner of my eye and the man himself getting out and laughing with another member of his team. 

I was surveying the area and trying to figure out where the gunman might have gone when Miller came over with a couple of people from his team to collect any evidence they needed. 

‘Alright, angel?’ Miller said, cheerily. I noticed Joy was standing close by and appreciated he was behaving as if it was any other day and there wasn’t a massive weight sitting on both our shoulders. 

‘Miller,’ I turned to see him. ‘You look like shit. Heavy night?’

‘One of the heavier ones I may live to regret, I’m afraid.’ He confessed as Joy wandered over to tell me Viv and Dinah had pulled up.

‘Well I’m sure it’s no less than you deserve.’ I winked at him, showing off a bit in front of Joy before sending her over to brief Viv on what happened. 

‘You free around lunch time?’ Miller asked a little more quietly.

‘Sure.’ I nodded and half smiled.

‘I’m sorry I caused a scene last night, I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to talk and then I had a drink and it sort of got away from me from there really.’ 

I wasn’t sure what to say so just nodded and wandered away to continue surveying the scene. I stayed within earshot of Viv and made some idle notes.

‘…he died instantly.’ Joy told her. ‘A witness said they saw the gunman throw a rucksack into the canal. Spike’s waiting for divers.’ I looked over to where Spike was standing, he was talking to another officer and watching the water for the divers to resurface.

‘Yeah, the first round hit this poor sod in the carotid,’ Miller started to explain. ‘Then wham, back of the neck. The first bullet is nowhere near my attention, but the second one’s gone in and not out. Now if I was you ma’am, I’d tell me not to let the man’s brains out of my sight. Catch the gun, catch the killer, all that jizz.’

‘Granted.’ Viv said, immediately.

‘Right, don’t fret lads, I’m just coming for the hardware.’ Miller went into full swing and we watched him piss about with the paramedics as they took the body away.

‘He’s way too obvious for your shit list.’ Viv said, making me chuckle slightly.

‘My shit list?’ Dinah exclaimed.

‘Erm… shit list, ma’am?’ Shit, I forgot Joy was standing behind us. I decided not to get involved and headed behind Viv to drive back to Friday street, leaving Dinah to explain something to Joy to put her at ease.

‘I’m meeting Miller for lunch today.’ I told her quietly, still scribbling notes. ‘I’ll try and find out what I can.’

Viv didn’t say anything, it was too risky with the environment we were in, but the second we got in the car she responded.

‘You’ve done this before.’ I didn’t say anything. ‘Iraq?’

I swallowed nervously. ‘Afghanistan.’ I corrected her. ‘But I can’t talk about it, Viv. I really can’t… I could get in a lot of trouble just for saying that much.’

‘I take it, it didn’t end well?’

‘I was honourably discharged. What does that tell you?’

Viv just looked at me with a grave expression as Dinah jumped into the car. We went back to Friday street and I tried to distract myself by looking through the witness statements, trying to figure out what happened. Miller had run analysis on the bullet and collected together some interesting information and soon we were all called into the conference room.

I sat in my usual seat while Viv and Miller were joking around and took a deep breath, pretending to be as normal as I could. Miller eventually took his usual seat next to mine and I felt under the spotlight. 

We watched the footage of the jogger getting shot, it wasn’t easy for me to watch and I jumped when the flash went off, causing Miller to turn and look at me.

‘You okay?’ He mouthed. I could already feel myself sweating. 

I nodded and closed my eyes, my shoulder was getting itchy again, I knew it was just psychological, it wasn’t a real itch, but it was sore and I couldn’t help myself. I started scratching, at first, just to find some relief, but soon it wasn’t enough. I felt Miller’s arm behind my back, his hand gently placed over mine to stop the itching. 

‘Calm down.’ He whispered. ‘You’re alright, you’re safe.’ Why did his voice sound so soothing? I heard McLaren come in and that was Miller’s cue to take his hand away, I missed the contact, but he’d done enough to calm me down. I got a look from Viv, but just shook my head subtly.

We established that the jogger was a doctor, Jeremy Tierney and with his morning routine, you could set your watch by him, giving the gunman more than one chance to plan the hit and take him out. 

‘What have you got, prof?’ Viv asked, cueing Miller to present what he had.

‘Behold – one fresh-plucked bullet from one freshly-dead Oxbridge education.’ He was back to being flamboyant and it was distracting me enough from what I was feeling. ‘It was fired from a 9mm Baikal pistol. Sleek, beautiful and if this summer’s jaunt to the Palm Springs Gun Show is anything to go by, quite the heartbreaker.’ I chuckled and it caught Miller’s attention. I just rolled my eyes and listened to where the gun was last used on an estate.

Spike was set to raid the estate and find the gun and Joy was heading to the hospital. Dinah was tasked with checking that Spike did his job when he ruled out Patrick’s alibi and Viv sent me straight after Miller to find out where he was. Dinah was less than pleased, but it needed to be done.

‘You think you’re the only one who hates this?’ Viv plastered on a fake smile and sent us both on our way. 

I gave Dinah a sympathetic look before grabbing my coat and heading off to Bailey street.

‘Need any help?’ I said, hanging off the door of Miller’s office. He smiled widely when he saw me. 

‘Thought you were going on the raid?’ He said, holding the door for me to come in. Part of me wanted to forget the real reason I was there, wanted to forget that I may have been standing close to a serial killer. 

‘No, Spike’s taken a decent enough team, they don’t need me.’ I said, trying not to get too wrapped up in detailed conversation. ‘Felt a bit useless at my desk, so I thought I might come and see if you needed some expert help.’

‘Well, you’re more than welcome to lend a hand.’ Miller smiled and threw me a pair of gloves. I hung my coat up on my usual hook and got to work on the rucksack. We were quiet for a while before I decided to ask the question.

‘So, what happened last night?’ I frowned, trying to make it look casual. ‘Not like you to turn up at someone’s door pissed, is it?’

Miller looked uncomfortable for a moment. ‘Yeah, I erm… I wanted to apologise for what I said to you on the phone… I was just having one of my moods and things got a bit much to handle for a while, you know?’

‘Yeah, I get you.’ I nodded, not quite knowing what to say. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your text… it was just a big thing to wrap my head around.’

‘Yeah.’ Miller breathed and again looked uncomfortable. 

‘Look, we’re both grown ups,’ I tried a new tactic. ‘Do you think we could just, clean the slate and start again?’

Miller looked up at me with his bright blue eyes and chuckled, nodding. ‘I think a clean slate would be the best thing for us.’ He said. 

‘Good.’ I tired not to smile too much and watched his eyes darken a little. This was my chance to open the conversation up to find out where he was.

‘Do you know you have dimples?’ He suddenly said.

‘What?’ I frowned, being caught off guard slightly.

‘When you’re trying not to smile too much, you get these really cute dimples on your cheeks.’

I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘You think my dimples are cute?’

‘Very.’ Miller nodded, still smiling at me. I was sure my opportunity was missed, this may have taken longer to find out than I thought. 

We continued with idle chit chat for a while, just reconnecting over things, when suddenly I found a receipt that was recent. I handed it over to Miller who was impressed with the find and phoned Spike.

‘Miller time.’ Spike answered and Miller put the phone on loudspeaker, I knew he was about to start showing off. 

‘Hey Spike-a-tron. So, the divers played a fucking blinder, pulled the gunman’s rucksack out of the canal.’ Miller started going through the items inside. ‘Okay, one hoodie XXL, one phone-drowned, gonna take more than mouth-to-mouth and one soggy receipt. He did his shopping before his shooting.’ Miller winked at me and held my gaze. ‘Got peckish,’ I felt my cheeks burn red. ‘Very peckish.’ 

He quickly finished up with Spike and turned his attention back to me. I was just about to casually ask what he’d been up to over the last week and finally get what I went there for when my phone started ringing. We both let out an exasperated sigh, before I answered it.

‘Mitchell.’ 

‘You finished with Miller yet?’ Viv. I turned away and subtly lowered the volume so that Miller couldn’t hear, I could see him frowning slightly at me.

‘Not yet, we’ve just finished going over the gunman’s rucksack and told Spike what he needs to know.’ I couldn’t deny what Miller had heard so the best I could do was try to communicate to Viv. ‘I’ll you know if anything important comes up.’

‘Message received.’ Viv understood. ‘However, we are running out of time. We’re on our way back.’

I swallowed and told her I would come over to Friday street as soon as I could. I turned back to Miller who was frowning a little at me.

‘Something wrong?’ He asked. I shook my head, suddenly feeling nervous. ‘Does she know?’ Miller leaned on the table and I suddenly feared for everything, the way he was looking at me and the way I felt unable to move had me believing that I may have fallen for a serial killer after all. 

‘Know what?’ I tried to make it seem casual.

‘About what I said. About last night.’ 

‘No.’ I was suddenly more confused than before. ‘Why would she?’

‘Then how does she know you’re here?’ 

I swallowed again. ‘Because…’ I had to think very quickly and there was only one thing that I could think to say that would keep Miller at a safe distance. ‘Because I told her I was tired of not being honest with you…’ I swallowed again and couldn’t believe I was about to do this. ‘I told her I wanted to tell you how I really feel about you… I fell for you, as well.’ I said and suddenly his whole demeanour changed, he was happy, I could see it was incredibly genuine as well and I was all the more confused and scared than I was before. ‘Miller, I don’t want you to get your hopes up too high though,’ his smile was disappearing fast. ‘I still need to figure some things out.’

‘Like what?’ Miller stepped a little closer to me, making me stand up from my stool and take a quick breath. 

‘I told you already, coming home was hard and I need to figure out where I fit in all of that.’ I said it fast and caught myself glancing at the door, I didn’t mean to and I knew he saw it as well. 

‘So, you don’t want to be with me?’ Miller was hurt and getting upset.

‘I think I just need to take some time for myself before I consider getting into anything… serious or not.’ His eyes snapped to mine.

‘I am serious.’ He said, I didn’t know what to say, regardless of my intentions in coming down to see him, this was not the conversation I planned on having with Miller.

‘Do you even understand how hard I have to work just to get up in the morning?’ I snapped, my chest was caving in and I had no idea how to stop it. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s like to have come back from a place where you know you did some really nasty shit to people and have that playing constantly playing in the back of your mind? I had to pretend to Cathy Calvert, I had to tell her not to blame herself for everything that happened because it wasn’t her fault, she didn’t need to feel guilty for surviving, when that is the only thing I feel every day. The only time I can forget is when I’m with you and then when I leave in the morning, it just comes back over me a hundred times worse…’ I was shaking, the images were fluttering across my mind and I realised that Peep and Viv were right, we were both broken, but we couldn’t give each other what the other needed. 

‘Alice, you can talk to me, you know that.’

‘Yeah, I know,’ I sighed. ‘But talking isn’t the only thing I need right now… I’ve been going to those veteran sessions, every Thursday I go and talk to people like me who all say the same thing. The people around us just don’t understand what we’ve been through and until we understand it ourselves, we can’t even try to explain it… I need to get some real help and focus on that for a while.’

Miller was getting upset. ‘Alice, come on, you know I’ll help you if you need it, why can’t we do this together? I can help, I can give you what you need-‘

‘No, you can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I’m not the only one who needs to be fixed!’ 

Just as I said it, a knock came at the door.

‘Not now.’ Miller yelled, but the door opened anyway and Viv slid in. Both Miller and myself deflated. Viv gave me a stern look as soon as Miller turned away to pretend to get on with work. ‘Viv, what can I do for you?’ It was clear he was annoyed from the tension in his jaw, but he tried to be cheery in front of Viv and not give up what he was thinking.

‘Alice, Dinah has the info you wanted on the gunman’s escape points.’ I had no clue what Viv was talking about, but figured I would need to go and see Dinah anyway. 

‘Right, I’ll go and see her and get this wrapped up as soon as we can.’ I nodded, she could see that a few tears had escaped, but I quickly wiped them away and grabbed my coat. I gave one last look to Miller and suddenly felt like the worst person in the world. ‘I’ll come back and see you when I get a chance, Miller.’

‘No need, I got things handled down here.’ He said, without even looking up from the drowned phone. I understood perfectly and for just a moment, prayed that he was the killer we were looking for, anything to make the pain in my chest ease somewhat.

I took a moment to compose myself before getting the information I needed from Dinah.

‘Spike did his job checking Patrick out.’ She said, just as I closed the door to the small cubby hole in the garage. ‘But there’s something else. Patrick told the landlord he was in love with someone called Sean, Patrick was cautioned in 1999 for kicking some bloke’s door down, it was Sean Lang.’

‘Who’s Sean Lang?’ I shook my head, trying hard not to focus on the fact that Miller still didn’t have an alibi.

‘He killed himself, threw himself off a ferry, it was an open and shut case, but we never found a body.’ Dinah siad, making my heart sink. ‘He was talking about Sean in the present tense.’

‘Shit.’ I breathed.

‘I’m just about to get Sean Lang’s file and find out more. How’d it go with Miller?’

I just shook my head. ‘I couldn’t find out where he was, he kept turning the conversation to other things and it got a bit out of hand. Viv’s with him now to get an alibi, if he has one.’

Dinah just gave me a sympathetic look, but it only served to annoy me. ‘Look, Alice, I know this can’t be easy, with everything you and Miller have been through-‘

‘I don’t need a pity lecture, Dinah,’ I interrupted, already feeling another panic attack about to hit. ‘I need to know if the first man I fell for is actually a serial killer, then I need to write Viv a letter asking for temporary leave so I can sort my life out.’ I took a deep breath, trying hard to calm down. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.’ I said. ‘I just need some air.’

‘Yeah, of course,’ Dinah nodded. ‘I’ll get the file, you just… do what you need to do.’

I took another few deep breaths, but it wasn’t working, I needed to get out of the cupboard and into some real fresh air. I went out towards the street and finally felt a little better, the air was cooler and soothing and it was doing everything I needed to calm down. The screaming was stopping, the echoes were disappearing and I no longer felt like I was drowning.

‘Were you checking up on me?’ Miller. Fuck, no I couldn’t do this right now. I turned to see him sipping on the coffee Viv had given him. ‘Viv was asking where I was yesterday… is that why you really came down to see me?’ 

There was no point in lying, he wasn’t stupid. ‘Yeah.’ I nodded and looked out at the empty street.

Miller just shook his head half laughing. I thought he was about to walk away. ‘In case it wasn’t blindingly obvious from the phone call last night, or Viv decides to tell you something different… I was at home, I was on my own and I was crying… you seem to be under the impression that I don’t know how fucked up my life is.’

‘You seem to be under the impression that I know how to deal with that.’ I shot back. A flash of anger crossed Miller’s face and I worried for a moment. He wasn’t the one we were looking for, a part of me suddenly realised that everything I had wrongly suspected about him was all because he loved me and it scared him. ‘I’m going to write a request for temporary leave,’ I told him. ‘As soon as this case is done, I’m going to get some real help, because I can’t live this way anymore and that scares the hell out of me.’

Miller’s expression softened slightly, but I could tell he was still angry. ‘Fine.’ He nodded. ‘Fine, if that’s what you feel you need to do, then I hope you get what you need.’

Miller walked away and I just wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell for him to take me back to his house and make love to me for the rest of my life, anything to not have to feel the pressure building in my chest, anything to escape the pain that was now washing over me. I couldn’t take it.

I went back to my desk when I got the chance and began writing the letter to Viv, telling her that I needed some time off to reassess my recovery and receive proper treatment for my PTSD. It was a difficult letter to phrase and I was scared to put any of it into words, but it needed to be done. I didn’t date it, but the second I saw Dinah go into Viv’s office and give me a quick look, I printed it off and followed her in.

‘Right, so we know Patrick was sectioned in 1999, right?’ Dinah showed Viv the file she collected. I just stood, holding onto my letter and trying to refocus my mind, but it was blurring at best. ‘Look at the job description on Sean Lang’s tax records.’

‘Hospital orderly?’ Viv read out loud.

‘Yeah, at Patrick’s hospital the same time Patrick was sectioned.’

‘That gives Sean access to people he sees as weaker than him,’ I concluded out loud. ‘People he thinks he can control.’

‘I’m going to his ward, someone might remember him,’ Dinah said, putting the file down and rounding Viv’s desk. ‘I need you to get a hold of Sean Lang’s employment file, it’ll have proper details, you know, next of kin…’ Viv just stood, shaking her head, she couldn’t believe what was happening. ‘Oh come on Viv, I’ve got a hunch.’

‘Yeah and it’s giving me an ulcer.’ Viv shot back, I just took a seat and ran my hand over my face. I couldn’t believe this either. ‘Alright, if I set Connie loose on it, the warrant will take an afternoon.’ 

Viv and Dinah just watched each other before embracing.

‘Is it you that stinks or me?’ Viv asked, her voice muffled by Dinah’s hair. 

‘I can’t work it out.’ Dinah frowned. 

I couldn’t help but chuckle, it had been a very long few days. Dinah soon left and it was just myself and Viv left. I placed the letter on Viv’s desk.

‘What’s this?’ She picked it up to read it.

‘I can’t keep doing this.’ I told her, I could feel my voice struggling to work properly. ‘Everything that’s happened, the cases, Cathy, Miller, all of it has just been… I’ve been struggling to make sense of it all.’ I swallowed nervously as Viv’s eyes scanned down the letter. ‘I need to get some proper help Viv, I need to feel like I’m still a part of this world and I’m still a good person underneath it all.’

Viv just sighed and put the letter down.

‘I haven’t dated it,’ I explained. ‘As soon as we find out who Sean Lang really is and if any of our boys had any involvement, I will. I just wanted to finish something while I was here.’

Viv nodded to herself. ‘You know, Miller has never worked harder or looked happier since you came here… but I can’t put your needs aside for the sake of one bloke’s, so the second this is all over, I’ll be the first to wish you a happy recovery.’

I felt myself finally feel a sense of relief, finally feel like I was about to get some clarity in my life. I smiled and let out a breath that I wasn’t aware I was holding onto.

‘Right, now get out there, put the brave face on and once Dinah comes back, we should have everything we need to get this guy.’

I did as I was told and the news finally came through an hour later from Dinah that we were in the clear, Miller, Spike, McLaren, none of them were Sean Lang. I felt myself deflate even further and took a deep breath of relief. Thank fuck for that. However, it did mean that he faked his death and it was Sean Lang at the flat. Something else was creeping around in the back of my mind, something that we were missing on sight.

We were still waiting for Sean Lang’s employment file, it should have had a photo in there for us to ID him finally. Maybe that would finally settled everything, but I had a feeling that I would always feel something was amiss in every case I worked, it just felt like default now.

Viv was ages coming back to the station, it seemed she had managed to sneak past everyone, because late into the evening Dinah came in looking for Viv. I shrugged and only then noticed Laurie leaving Viv’s office, she was in there. There was hardly anyone left, so no one would think it strange that we were both going into her office.

We needed to put this to bed, but Viv was being strangely dismissive. She told us there was nothing in the file, Sean Lang’s file was empty of anything leading us anywhere. I didn’t believe her for a second. Why was she lying?

Laurie’s band was playing that evening and like the good wife she was, Viv was going to support him and everyone was going along with her. I had been looking forward to it, but both Dinah and I had yet another sinking feeling. 

‘Go home Dinah, it’s over,’ Viv said, sternly. ‘Alice, date your letter, your leave starts in a week, that should give you enough time to tie up any loose ends.’ 

Neither Dinah, nor myself were particularly pleased about what we were being told, but I wasn’t sure what choice we had. Dinah stormed out, presumably to do something Viv would hate, but I was exhausted and I needed a break. I decided to just go home, get changed, head to the bar where Laurie was playing and try to forget about everything before I went on temporary leave. 

I felt like a failure. I felt like I was missing something, something really important and Viv’s reaction only confirmed that. 

Dinah text me to say she was going to Patrick’s flat, if I wanted to join her, but I wasn’t sure I could bear it. 

I went to the bar with everyone, Tegan was especially excited to see me in the only party clothes I owned, an over the shoulder, low cut, black top, tight black jeans with a black leather jacket and she was already ordering in the drinks. 

‘Fucking hell, Miller will be jizzing in his pants when he sees you.’ Tegan laughed, I felt a pain shooting through my chest as the man himself squeezed past us to get to Jonah and Taz. ‘Hey, speaking of which,’ I quickly turned to sip my drink. ‘Miller, check your girl out this evening, ain’t she a fucking sight, or what?’

‘Yeah, I’m sure she’ll make a good night out of whatever lad she picks up tonight,’ Miller nodded, not really looking at me properly. ‘Hey, lads, major fuck me vibes at three o’clock. You take the daughters, I’ll have a crack at the mum. We’re gonna get so laid, lads.’ Jonah and Taz just followed him eagerly to where the three women were standing and I was so close to having another panic attack.

‘What was that about?’ Spike leaned in behind me. ‘You and Miller not together anymore?’

I finished my drink quickly and cleared my throat. ‘We were never together, Spike. It was just a shag.’ I said and headed out to get some air. I could feel Tegan’s and Spike’s eyes on the back of my neck, but I didn’t look back for any reason. 

I took a few breaths of cool night air, just to calm myself down. The thought of Miller with anyone else was killing me, the thought that he would kiss or touch anyone else the way I wanted him to touch me was maddening. I really had fallen for him, I really loved him. I need to either tell him, or find a way to distract myself.

I phoned Dinah to see how she was getting on at Patrick’s flat.

‘Dinah, you find anything?’ I asked. I could hear her sighing in defeat.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m going through the original photos from before Sean came back to the flat, but it’s going to take a while to get through this much stuff.’

‘And if it was something small, it’ll take even longer.’ I agreed. ‘Right, you want me to come over and help?’

‘No, keep an eye on Viv, see if there’s anything you can find out.’

‘You really think she’ll be in the talking mood, tonight of all nights?’ I half laughed.

‘Probably not,’ Dinah half laughed as well. ‘But it’s worth a try.’ 

I suddenly remembered something from the flat that may or may not have been important. ‘Hey, remember you said about the chair? The three of us didn’t move it, Miller would be more vigilant than that, leaves few other options, Sean Lang might be one of them-‘

‘Alright Alice?’ Laurie said, cheerfully as he walked up to the bar.

‘Laurie, how you doing?’ I tried to look just as cheerful. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be in there setting up?’

‘Ah, I always like to make an entrance.’ The Irishman laughed. ‘You coming in?’

‘Yeah, I’m just finishing up a few things and I’ll be right there.’ I nodded.

Laurie nodded back and gave me his signature wink. I’d always found him a warm presence, someone I could rely on for a good chat and a casual drink. 

‘Dinah?’ I put the phone back to my ear, but I couldn’t hear anything. ‘Dinah, you there?’

‘Alice, you’re at the bar, right?’ Dinah suddenly sounded panicked.

‘Yeah, what’s wrong?’

‘Is Viv there?’

I looked up just in time to see Viv’s car pull up. ‘She’s just pulling up now.’

‘You said, the killer had information only someone close to us could have known.’ Dinah was putting the piece together far quicker than I was and I couldn’t quite keep up. ‘I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

‘Dinah-‘ She hung up before I could finish the sentence. She clearly knew something.

Viv got out of the car and gave me a tight smile. ‘About time,’ I said, trying to clear my mind. ‘Laurie’s been waiting to start the set.’ I tried to smile, but something about her drop in expression bothered me.

She feigned laughter and something floated across the front of my mind, but it was gone before I could catch it. ‘You coming in?’ Viv asked.

‘Sure.’ I nodded. 

Viv led the way and greeted everyone enthusiastically. Taz and Jonah were still talking to the girls, but Miller was talking to Spike and Joy, he had a saddened look to his whole being and I wondered why he wasn’t still chatting up that woman. 

I went to the bar to sit and think about what Dinah had said, she must have worked out what had been taken from Patrick’s flat and it freaked her out. I looked up to where Laurie was introducing his set and something began sinking in. The way the man in the boiler suit walked, his demeanour, the fact that Viv told Laurie everything and the fact that I had no clue what Laurie did before he got involved with Viv. I searched for Cathy in the crowd, she seemed spooked, but was brushing it off with Alpha next to her. Fuck.

‘Can I get you a drink?’ Miller. I really didn’t need this right now. I sighed and closed my eyes for a minute. ‘I heard the case was closed,’ I opened my eyes again to see him looking a little uncomfortable. ‘Viv told me you have a week left with us.’ I wasn’t sure what he was getting at and just turned back to the bar to think about how I was going to approach Laurie. ‘I, rather selfishly, don’t want you to go with the current impression you have of me. So, can I get you a drink and sit with you for a while?’

‘What impression do you think I have of you?’

‘Insensitive,’ Miller started listing. ‘Rash, blunt, unromantic, horny as fuck and a complete arsehole.’ I hated that he could make me smile. ‘Am I warm?’

‘Spot on.’ I nodded. 

‘Good, at least I know where to start. Two of the same.’ Miller told the barman and put his beer bottle down, sliding onto the stool next to me. ‘So… you look very beautiful tonight.’ Miller was looking straight ahead as I snapped around to look at him, not really sure why he was trying so hard to put things right. ‘I mean that by the way, Tegan was right, I was going to try it on with that woman, but then I realised I’d rather sit and have a beer with you than try to blag it with anyone else.’ Right on cue, two beers were put down in front of us and Miller paid the barman. He held his bottle up for me to tap as a peace offering and I considered it for a moment, before deciding if this was the last night I had with Miller then maybe I should have tried to be peaceful with him.

I lifted my bottle and lightly tapped the top of his, sipping the cool liquid and feeling the panic settling in slightly. 

‘Can I trust you, Miller?’ I asked. I felt his head snap around to face me. 

‘Yeah, of course, you can.’ 

I turned to him and thought for a moment. Dinah was right, we couldn’t keep the downs case a secret anymore and if I was leaving in a week, someone had to help Dinah put Laurie away. ‘Do you trust me? If I told you something important, would you trust that I wouldn’t lie to you?’

Miller looked slightly less certain, but nodded anyway. ‘Course I trust you. Clean slate and all that.’

Before I could even say anything else, I heard Dinah rushing in behind me. 

‘Alice.’ She panted, her eyes flickering between Miller and myself.

‘I know.’ I told her and watched as her face clocked onto what I meant. ‘I’ll be back in a sec.’ I told Miller who just looked a little confused. Dinah and I wandered over to a secluded part of the bar to talk. ‘Look, we’d be idiots to make a move on this now-‘

‘We can’t let him walk.’ Dinah interrupted, furiously.

‘I’m not saying that we do nothing.’ I told her, firmly. ‘Dinah, I know what I’m talking about here, you need to trust that.’ Dinah came to a sudden realisation in her head. ‘That’s not public information, you need to understand that. Tonight is not the night, we need to talk to Viv and see what she really knows about Lang.’

‘So, your plan is to just pretend like everything is fine.’

‘For the time being, yes.’ I could see Dinah’s rage seeping through. ‘Dinah, people like him aren’t stupid, he’ll know that something is up because he was getting all of his information from Viv, she’s not going to give him anything else and he will be suspicious of that, that means we have a very short amount of time to act on this, so we need to be precise, we can’t just go rushing in, okay?’

‘Fine, but I’m confronting Viv tonight.’ I knew I wasn’t going to sway Dinah on that.

‘Fine, but be careful. Don’t let him win by making rash choices. Just find out how Viv wants to approach it, she’s the closest person we have and we can’t just brush over that fact.’ I warned Dinah, but she wasn’t having any of it and walked towards the crowd to see where Viv was. 

I wandered past her back towards Miller who was talking to the same woman he’d previously tried to chat up, he looked like he was being polite, but he was looking for me.

‘…anyway, it was nice talking to you, but I’ve got to get back to my friend.’ Miller said and the somewhat pretty, middle-aged woman suddenly turned to spot me.

‘I thought you didn’t have a girlfriend.’ She said, clearly trying to make Miller uncomfortable and I was a bit insulted myself.

‘Oh, I’m not his girlfriend,’ I corrected her and leaned between them to grab my beer, giving Miller a quick wink. ‘But I am only in town for a few days and I’ve not seen the Professor for a while, so it would be nice to catch up properly.’

I could see Miller enjoyed me calling him the professor and I wondered how far I could have pushed that. The woman eventually left and Miller just watched me.

‘Dinah okay?’ He asked. I took a swig of my beer and just watched him.

‘I need you to do something for me,’ I said, taking my seat back and lowering my voice. ‘I need people to think we’ve gone home together before I tell you anything. Can you do that for me?’

‘Can I flirt with you obscenely and then invite back to mine for a night long shag? No problem.’ Miller said, playfully. ‘I take it, whatever you want to tell me has something to do with the people here.’

‘I can’t risk anyone overhearing that’s all.’ I tried to make him understand. His blue eyes scanned my face and he nodded.

‘Fine.’ Miller said. ‘In that case, I like your jeans, they make your arse look fantastic!’ I half laughed, rolling my eyes. ‘There she is, the return of the dimples.’ 

‘I heard you thought they were cute.’ 

‘I still do.’ Miller held my gaze for a moment and I thought he might kiss me there and then, but something stopped him and he turned away. 

We continued to flirt like nothing was wrong and I watched the crowd routinely for where Laurie and Viv were, she looked strained any time Laurie turned away and I prayed she would do the right thing where he was concerned.

‘Maybe we should… you know…’ Miller pointed between the two of us, I frowned not quite understanding what he meant. ‘If we’re going to make it look convincing, maybe we should do something to make it more obvious.’

‘You mean like a kiss?’ I raised my eyebrow, playfully.

‘Well, that would certainly be one way of cementing my attention.’

I laughed and finished off the second beer I was on. I gently bit down on my lip and turned to face Miller. I was nervous for a moment, I couldn’t work out why, I’d kissed Miller before, I’d kissed people before, but something about this kiss in this moment was crushing. I felt him lean a little closer and smile before I felt his lips graze mine, he place the gentlest of kisses to my mouth and held it for as long as he could before pulling away again. 

I felt my eyes struggle to open, but when they did Miller was smiling at me and looking at me hungrily. I felt Tegan and Stuart behind me and Miller made good on his word.

‘So, you wanna get out of here? Get a cab back to mine, let us get properly reacquainted?’

‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’ I playfully warned. 

That was Miller’s cue to stand up and subtly slide himself between my legs, so that he was closer than he was before and I couldn’t deny he was doing a great job of making it look as though we were about to head off home and shag the night away. 

‘Believe me, I can keep that promise.’ He whispered, no one could even hear him. So, that was just for me. 

I swallowed thickly and he watched my neck, his eyes darkening for a moment before his tongue swiped across his bottom lip as his eyes then drifted over the now bare skin on my neck, shoulders and chest. Miller leaned over and picked up my leather jacket and smiling. 

‘Let’s go.’ He breathed and I was never going to say no to that. 

Miller slid his hand around my waist, he’d never done it before, but I liked the fact that his warm hand was placed lightly against me. He got us a cab and hopped in the back with me, giving the driver his address. Miller then slid close, putting his arm around my shoulders, delicately running his fingers down my shoulder and collarbone. It was pure bliss and I wondered for a moment why I was even resisting this. 

We didn’t talk in the cab, we just seemed to watch each other and on occasion we would place a chaste kiss to the other. I could see the cab driver looking at us suspiciously, but I didn’t care, I felt far too relaxed to give a shit about anyone except Miller.

We finally arrived at his house and just as I stepped out for Miller to pay the fare, I got a text.

“Viv is going to take care of him.”

I felt my heart sink. I knew what that meant, but I knew Viv was the most capable of doing this, I couldn’t tell Miller now, knowing that. I needed to wait for confirmation that it really was over. 

‘Alice?’ Miller stood close behind me, I could feel his fingers pressing into my lower back, guiding me towards his front door. ‘You look like you’re having seconds thoughts.’ Miller noted, unlocking the door and stepping inside, he moved to the side and hung my leather jacket up. ‘It’s fine if you are. You want some tea or something?’ So, it really was all for show, he had no intention of taking me back to his house to sleep with me, he actually did trust me.

Miller took his jacket off, throwing it over the back of his sofa, his house was messier than the last time I was there. He started boiling the kettle and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, I leaned against the doorframe and watched him roll his sleeves up as he turned to face me, leaning back against his kitchen counter.

‘I wish you wouldn’t do that.’ He said.

‘Do what?’ 

Miller didn’t answer, he just watched me carefully. ‘Last time you stood in that doorway, you wore my shirt, with nothing else on underneath, you told me to come to bed with you, I brought you across my lap and made you come… just because you looked at me like that, standing in that doorway.’ Miller was replaying that night, the same as me, I wondered if he was feeling the same warmth circling his body that I was. Miller quickly turned around and finished making some tea.

I sat down in the chair next to his usual one and took my heels off finally being able to feel my feet. Miller watched me stretch my feet for a moment, placing the mug down in front of me. 

‘So…’ Miller said, leaning on his forearms and smiling at me. ‘You wanted to tell me something important… do you still want to tell me?’

I swallowed and saw the disappointment forming in his eyes. He wanted to trust me, but without knowing Viv’s plan, I couldn’t exactly go ahead and just tell Miller everything… but there was something I could tell him, something that might help him understand me better and help me understand myself better.

‘I was discharged because I killed my commanding officer.’ I could already feel the tears forming and the echoes coming back to me. ‘It was part of an operation called “Beauty”, as in Sleeping Beauty… I was charged by a senior officer to route out twelve sleeper cells in my platoon… I chose to tell my commanding officer about what I was being asked to do. He’d believed in me from day one, told me I could be something amazing if I wanted to be, he recommended me for promotions, told me after the incident in Baghdad that I should try my luck with the bomb squad because I was good under pressure, but a fire fight just wasn’t my forte anymore.’ 

I could already feel Miller listening to every word, imagining every step I took as if he could see it playing out in my mind. I sipped the tea and tried to figure out why I was telling Miller about an operation that was not for public or private consumption.

‘I found eleven over the course of six months,’ I went on. ‘The twelfth was the most difficult, I couldn’t give the list of names before I found out who the last one was… I ignored everything that told me it was him, because I trusted him with my life, because he was the one person I could always rely on to do right by me… or so I thought.’ The tears were already flowing down my cheeks and I hated it. ‘When I finally confronted the truth, I was so angry, I was furious… I went to him and thought I was doing the right thing, I gave him a chance to hand himself in, to admit that he was the twelfth sleeper, but he kept denying it… for weeks, he made me feel like there was something wrong with me, he targeted my insecurities and tried to make me think he was the only one who could help…’ 

My throat was starting to hurt the longer I thought about it. 

‘I didn’t know who I was supposed to trust… one day, when we were out on an intelligence gathering mission, he and I were in a room on the upper floor and he kept asking me if I was okay, if I still felt safe with him, I told him no, that I didn’t know what was real anymore, all lines were blurred… he pulled a gun out and pointed it at me… he fired and I got so lucky that the trigger jammed… I shot him.’ I was almost sobbing, I was so close to it. ‘I made it clean, quick, painless… he wouldn’t have done the same for me… by the time we got back, we lost two other people and I got scared, because the details didn’t match up and our commanding officer was down as well. I was the senior ranking officer, leading a team of people who I knew were sleeper cells.’

I sniffed and took a deep breath. I sipped a little more of the tea, just trying to calm down.

‘I sent back the names of the sleeper cells and the next day I woke up to find they were all gone.’ I swallowed. ‘Every single sleeper cell was gone, taken in the middle of the night and I never heard from them again… the line was that they had been hand-picked for an operation somewhere else, that my commanding officer had sent a list of names of suitable candidates and the operation was classified. No one asked questions but there was a feeling around that everyone knew what had happened. After my promotion to Staff Sergeant, they just accepted me as their new commanding officer and carried on as if everything was normal.’

Miller was just staring at me and I couldn’t work out what he was thinking.

‘I only led two operations after that before I realised I couldn’t do it anymore, if I’d been allowed to continue, I would have gotten people killed.’ I tried to take a deep breath and took another mouthful of tea. 

Miller still said nothing and it was killing me. I needed him to speak, to say anything that might have told me how he felt about it. 

‘You were honourably discharged.’ He finally said. ‘You were brave and you deserve the fucking world… I can’t give you what you need, right now.’ I felt my eyes close and tears began streaming out.

‘I don’t want to hear that.’ I whispered.

‘I know.’ Miller nodded. ‘But you’re right, you need help that I can’t give you.’ I felt like my world was collapsing in on itself. ‘I think you should go and see the people who can help you, I want you to be okay… it doesn’t change how I feel, Alice.’ I suddenly looked at Miller, relief was spreading through me. ‘Is that all you wanted to hear from me?’ He half laughed. ‘Come here, angel.’ Miller brought me onto his lap and held me tight, running his hands over my back and legs, making me feel so much calmer than I felt before. ‘I might not be able to give you what you need, but I’m still here for you. I’ll still answer the phone when you call and I’ll still think you’re the most beautiful fucking thing I ever saw in my bed.’

I suddenly started laughing, laughing of all things! I sat up and roughly wiped away my tears, trying to clean my face up, but Miller didn’t care so much, he just watched me and smiled a little.

‘I know that was hard to say,’ his voice was low. ‘You know I’ll not say a word, but I get it now, well, not get it, but… you know what I mean.’ His thumb was rubbing my thigh gently and it felt good.

‘Thank you.’ I breathed.

‘Anytime.’ Miller’s eyes scanned my face. ‘So, you going to stay over, or what?’ I laughed again and nodded. 

It was a good feeling, one I missed, being wrapped up with Miller’s body, we didn’t need to have sex for me to know he was there and that I was safe with him, I just needed him to tell me I was okay.


	14. Memory Loss

Dinah phoned me first thing, Miller was still sleeping, he woke a little, but I just told him to go back to sleep, I’d be back soon.

‘Dinah.’ I grabbed Miller’s shirt, the closest thing I could find to cover myself up and headed downstairs to talk. 

‘I was supposed to meet Viv again last night,’ Dinah was in the car I could hear her. ‘She was a no-show.’

‘Shit.’ I breathed. 

‘You haven’t heard from her, I take it?’

‘No.’ I sighed. ‘Which gives me a very bad feeling, you tried phoning her?’

‘Yeah, it just goes to voicemail, but she’s definitely declining the call… I supposed we can at least be grateful for that.’ That was a weight off my shoulders, the last thing I needed was to go over to Viv’s and find that Laurie had done something to her. 

‘Right, you heading to the station?’

‘Yeah, on my way now.’

‘I’ll be there in half an hour.’ I told her and hung up. 

I went back upstairs to see Miller was sprawled across the bed. I liked the way he looked, I liked his handsome face, his blue eyes, his greying hair that made him look incredibly sexy, like a silver fox, I liked that he could make me feel safe with his words and make me really believe it. 

‘You’re staring.’ He mumbled into the pillow. I tried not to smile too much and lay back down in the bed with him. His eyes began to open and he looked over my face. ‘Fucking beautiful.’ He said and leaned over to kiss me automatically, I didn’t deny it, instead I embraced it, tasting every part of his mouth that I could reach, risking falling into him for as long as I needed to feel normal, before stopping. 

We both knew it was a bad idea to continue and so we simply smiled and got ready for work. I didn’t have time to go home, so nicked one of Miller’s old shirts, tucking it in and covering it over with my leather jacket, I had spare shoes at my desk, it would have to do.

Miller asked if I fancied going for dinner that night, nothing special, no strings attached, just dinner where he could wish me luck for my recovery. I agreed and rushed into Friday street to find Dinah was already jumping in a car with Viv. 

Dinah motioned for me to get in the back, once we were out of the station and on the road, Viv handed me the shoes that I’d left at my desk.

‘Don’t think you weren’t seen heading home with Miller,’ she said. ‘Though, I suppose there was a point to that.’

‘It’s complicated to say the least.’ I said, listening to her chuckle vaguely while I put my trainers on, shoving my heels into my bag. 

‘It always is.’

Dinah drove up a country road, no chance of being overheard and we finally got the chance to ask Viv what she was going to do about Laurie.

‘I’m going to slaughter the fucker.’ Viv said, staring out at the fields in front of her.

‘How?’ Dinah asked, reasonably.

‘I know people.’

‘We all know people and we know them for a reason, Viv.’

‘You know people. I know people.’ Viv emphasised her point and it scared me a little more than I thought it would.

‘He didn’t just do this to you.’ I reminded her. ‘Cathy should have the chance to see him in court, to look him in the eye and know in her bones that she wins, she’s better than him.’

A pony had managed to stroll up beside the car and it seemed Viv was no longer listening, instead, she was more concerned with the animal.

‘If he gets to court, he’ll have an audience. He’ll love it.’ Viv whispered, as if somehow the pony could hear her. ‘Love seeing what he’s done to her. What he’s done to all of us. I’m not going to give him that satisfaction.’ It seemed Viv was set. ‘Best fella I’ve found in years was only sharing my bed for this reason.’

‘I can’t believe Laurie planned this for you.’ Dinah shook her head. 

‘Six weeks touring, then it’s acid bath or pig food.’

‘Six weeks? You want him to send postcards of his latest victims?’ Dinah was outraged and I could understand it.

‘I know what I’m doing, I just need to square the corners.’ Viv stroked the pony’s head for a while. ‘I’ve got dad on my side.’

‘It’s not your dad, Viv, it’s a pony.’ Dinah and I just looked at her like she was mad, before the three of us suddenly burst into a fit of giggles. ‘You drop one wrong word, just one, and we’re in the shit.’

‘We?’

‘It’s the least we owe you Viv,’ I agreed. ‘To clean up after… but you’ve got to decide now, not in six weeks time.’

‘Today.’ Dinah told her and that was it. Viv was going to have to do it today or never.

Dinah needed to head home to make sure Cathy was okay, Viv was going home to deal with Laurie and I needed to be the acceptable face at the office, despite still obviously wearing Miller’s shirt from the night before and looking as if I’d been royally shagged. But then, in the grand scheme of things, I’d rather that than anything else.

“You’re fucking stunning in that colour.” Miller. 

I tried to hide the smile, I knew he was referring to the navy shirt I was wearing fairly loosely, I could feel him moving around the office, but I needed to get to work and keep updated with Dinah and Viv. I put my hair up in a loose bun and started getting through some of the paperwork I had piling up. I kept staring at my phone, hoping either Dinah or Viv would phone or text me to tell me what was going on.

Dinah eventually walked in and I could see Joy cornering her immediately, Dinah wouldn’t break under pressure from Joy, but she was starting to embrace her position as sergeant and although I was happy for Joy, it present problems. 

‘So, I heard the news.’ Spike said, sitting on the edge of my desk. ‘Miller just let it slip when I teased him about you two last night.’ I could feel my blood running cold. ‘I’m glad you’re getting the help you need,’ I took a breath of relief, I hadn’t even told Miller what was really going on, so why was I scared that Spike was going to say something to do with Laurie? ‘Look, I know we’re not exactly close, I think we’re friends, I just never really knew how to approach the whole thing,’ he half laughed. ‘But I’d like to think that you could come to me if anything was bothering you, yeah?’

‘Yeah, Spike, I know I can talk to anyone in this office,’ I nodded. ‘But some things are just hard to think about, let alone say out loud.’ Spike nodded a little sadly, but he understood. ‘And honestly, I don’t really know if I’m the kind of person who does talk about things… that’s why I’m going on temporary leave, get my head sorted and figure out what kind of person I am.’

‘A good one.’ Spike said, immediately. ‘I can see it, you want the best for everyone and we all appreciate that. I’d rather have you backing me up in a fire fight than most people.’

I gave him a smile, before thinking on how nice Spike had really been to me, never assuming he knew what I was going through and never telling me to put a brave face on. I don’t think I ever gave him the credit he deserved.

‘Even with my severe PTSD, making me jump whenever someone slams a stapler?’ I joked.

‘Hey, you said it, not me.’ He chuckled and I couldn’t deny it was kind of funny. ‘Seriously though, I hope you come back feeling better about everything, you deserve to be happy.’

Spike squeezed my shoulder gently and headed back to his desk to get on with work. I could see Miller looking at me apologetically, but I just shook my head and smiled at him. 

“It’s started.” Viv.

I looked up to see Dinah receiving the same message, we both had a sinking feeling, we waited as long as we could, before being unable to take anymore. We needed to go and see Viv, she may have run into trouble and if that was the case then we were in real trouble. 

I picked up my jacket and subtly followed Dinah, but Joy and Miller were between me and the door, I would need to think of something quickly.

‘Do you know what’s going on?’ Joy demanded. It made me jump and Miller immediately felt for me. ‘Sorry,’ she quickly said as I felt my heart rate going back down only slightly. ‘But do you know what’s going on with Dinah and Viv?’

‘No, why?’ I lied, I suddenly felt very grateful that Joy had made me jump, it would cover up any lies I told very well. 

‘They’ve been acting weird for ages and they won’t talk to me.’ 

‘I’m sure everything’s fine, Joy.’ I started to breathe deeply and calmly. 

‘See, told you if anything was going on, Alice would know.’ Miller smiled sympathetically and I appreciated it.

‘Where are you of to anyway?’

‘I, erm…’ I swallowed nervously. ‘Well, you’ll find out soon enough, I suppose. I’m going on temporary leave at the end of the week,’ Joy’s face dropped. ‘I need to get my head sorted, I’ve made far too many mistakes on some of the cases and it’s not fair on anyone. I told him last night.’ I immediately answered Joy’s next question.

‘Oh, right,’ Joy looked between myself and Miller. ‘So, you two… I thought you weren’t together… but you were last night?’ She seemed entirely uncertain of the question and it only served to make myself and Miller uncomfortable.

‘And that’s my cue to leave.’ Miller said walking away.

‘Yeah, me too.’ I went in the opposite direction, but Joy wouldn’t take the hint and followed me.

‘So, are you?’ She said, I could just about see Dinah at the bottom of the stairs, I couldn’t let Joy know we were leaving together, it would just raise more suspicion than it was worth. 

‘Look, Joy,’ I turned to face her, putting my jacket on, she suddenly noticed my shirt and I couldn’t stand that she was now looking at me like she’d just gotten the latest gossip. ‘Miller and I are complicated to say the least, we’re not together, I’m leaving for an unknown period of time at the end of the week. There’s no use in entertaining the idea and every time I’m asked about it…’ I felt like I was about to cave in again. ‘Look, please just don’t ask me about Miller, it hurts enough just thinking about him.’

‘If you love him, you should tell him. I know he feels the same way, we all do.’ Joy said and I knew she was just trying to be a good friend. 

‘I already did, Joy.’ She didn’t seem to know what to say. 

I left Joy standing at the top of the stairs, presumably she was going to talk to Miller, but I couldn’t care at that moment. I hopped in the car with Dinah and we rushed to Viv’s.

‘She’s not picking up.’ I said, after the fifth time of calling from Dinah’s phone.

‘Shit.’ Dinah breathed.

We finally got to the house, I told Dinah to check the front and I’d circle around to the back. I couldn’t quite see what was going on, but I could see Laurie talking to someone, probably Viv, but I needed to see her to be sure.

I could suddenly hear Dinah shouting for Viv and felt myself deflate, she couldn’t keep calm for just a second.

‘Viv?!’ She yelled. ‘Viv?!’ 

I could see Laurie bearing down on Viv, but the back door was locked, I needed to wait to give Viv a chance to take him out. Dinah was suddenly at the side door, she needed to stay calm, but I couldn’t tell her that without alerting Laurie to my presence. 

Suddenly Dinah came racing around the corner, she gave me a look of disbelief before trying the back door, Viv tried to take down Laurie before he threw her to the ground and kicked her hard in the stomach. He went for the door, but before he could get there, Viv tripped him and his head smacked off of the glass window, knocking him out. 

Viv got the door open and both Dinah and myself came in to see if they were alright.

‘A lot of help you were.’ Dinah growled at me.

‘I told you to stay calm,’ I snapped back. ‘I told you to wait for an opportune moment, make sure Viv is alright before we go in.’ 

‘He could’ve killed her.’

‘We would have gotten in long before that.’

‘You don’t know that.’

‘YES, I DO!’ I yelled, before taking a breath. ‘Yes, I do know that. You need to start understanding that fact.’

‘We don’t have time for this.’ Viv cut through us. ‘Get him downstairs.’

Dinah hesitated for a moment, but soon joined me in dragging Laurie’s heavy body towards the stairs. It was difficult getting him through the corners and suddenly Dinah’s hand slipped and his body fell down the last set of stairs, I heard a crack in his arm, it was definitely broken, but he was still out cold.

‘Shit, shit, shit!’ Dinah and Viv chased after the body and checked to see if he was alright. 

He seemed to be alive and Dinah felt it necessary to touch her forehead, chest and shoulders as if paying her respects.

‘You can unpick that shit an’ all!’ Viv told her. ‘If he comes round and twats us, we won’t know which story anyone’s telling. One, two, three, lift.’ She said. I managed to get down the stairs and went to pick him up, but with one of his arms broken, we thought better of it and dragged him by his feet. 

‘Jesus, Viv, couldn’t marry someone a few pounds lighter!’ I panted as we managed to get him round the corner of the home studio. 

‘Well, I didn’t think I’d have to drag his carcass around like this, did I?’ Viv shot back at me.

‘What…? What exactly are we doing here?’ Dinah was started to panic. 

Viv just handed her some cuffs. ‘To the amp. The speaker thing.’ She indicated cuffing him to it and Dinah just went through the motions. ‘Pull down his sleeves. It might have escaped your notice, but cuffs do tend to leave a distinctive mark.’ She pointed to the tape behind me and I threw it over to her so she could tape his mouth.

We all stood up and took a moment to look down at Laurie’s semi-conscious body. 

‘So?’ Dinah panted.

‘So what?’ Viv just looked at her.

‘So, we were hoping you might have some idea.’

Viv’s phone started ringing and we all knew that was a bad sign. It was Michael Docherty telling Viv that Jonah and Ruth were on coke and that was what caused his wife and child to die while on the way to the hospital last night. It was a grave situation and she needed to deal with it.

We needed to behave as if this was any other day, and any other day Viv would head into the office to sort out the case. It left myself and Dinah to look after Laurie until she came back. She quickly set up the webcam so that if need be, she could see us and we knew we’d be safe. 

‘No communication, unless you have to.’ Viv ordered.

‘What if comes round?’ Dinah was panicking again.

‘Don’t take your eyes off him.’ It was the last thing Viv said before leaving the house.

Dinah and I just looked at each other gravely.

Laurie was eventually coming around, Dinah had gotten some water, whiskey and painkillers, we wouldn’t get anything out of him if he was in that much pain. I sat in the corner, out of sight of the camera and far enough away from him that I felt safe enough. 

Dinah lifted him up to a sitting position and force fed him the painkillers and some whiskey. She was angry and I was a bit worried that she would do something rash.

‘Said something terrible to my wife earlier,’ Laurie said. ‘Threatened to implicate her. She’s done nothing wrong.’ He shook his head. ‘Look, I know that there’s been more violence than God, but-‘

‘Oh, I am not interested in what God thinks of you.’ Dinah grabbed the tape and put it back over his mouth to stop him talking. ‘I want you to know what you’ve done.’ Dinah took her phone out and began scrolling. ‘This is from Viv, just after you two first met. Half three in the morning. “I don’t know how I’m gonna say this, but the bloke I met tonight wasn’t a blind date, I lied. It was our third, but you can’t always trust your mouth, so I left it til now. Laurie he’s called. I’ve looked under every stone, and there’s no side to him. I love him. Can I say that at my age? But I do. Delete this text because I’m probably pissed.”’ Dinah put the phone down.

Laurie turned to me and gave me a hard stare. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I didn’t give anything away. Dinah continued to taunt him with what he’d done and I didn’t condone the fact that she was talking at all, we should have just sat quietly and waited for Viv to come back, but showing that we weren’t on the same page in front of Laurie was an even worse idea than talking to him.

‘One thing I do need to know,’ Dinah was showing her cards far too soon and I couldn’t understand why. ‘What happened to Cathy Calvert?’ For fuck sake. She ripped the tape off of his mouth for him to speak and I had a very bad feeling about where this was going.

‘What do you think I did to her, huh?’ Laurie said, in his usual smooth voice, but now it was just sickening. ‘I’m not a total cunt. I roofied her to painkilling level before splitting her in two like the others. Shame she was the full shilling, but I could tell from the body language that she was pregnant, which was good enough to give me the hard-on I needed to toast her both sides.’

Dinah needed to hold her nerve, don’t give in, but of course, it was always asking too much. ‘Dribble what you like out that stinking gob, you rotting sack of shite. The fact is, you’re- before she could say another word, he’d grabbed a hole do a drum pedal and smacked Dinah in the head with it. I got up to help, but got caught on the backswing and suddenly everything was blurring.

I could feel sand beneath my hands, hot and scratchy, my legs would work properly, I looked down to where my sandy cargo trousers were covered in blood, pain radiating from my shoulder all the way down to my knees, everything hurt. I closed my eyes and as soon as I opened them again, I could see Laurie over me, he was unbuckling his belt when a guitar was suddenly smashed over his head, sending him out cold once again. 

I sat up slowly, feeling the blood trickling through my hairline down my face, it was as if I was in two separate worlds, one was the sandy expanse of Afghanistan and the other was the cool studio of Viv’s basement. I needed to focus on the basement, that was were reality was.

Cathy was seeing if Dinah was alright, while I pushed Laurie to one side. ‘Dinah! Dinah!’ She called. ‘Dinah, open your eyes!’ Her voice was penetrating a tone I’d rather she didn’t. I’d had head injuries before and I knew how it went, but this was situation I wasn’t counting on.

‘Dinah.’ I croaked, not quite being able to see properly.

Suddenly Cathy was looking at Laurie; he was saying her name. 

‘What?’ Cathy yelled.

‘If you’re baby’s not the full picnic, call it Laurie.’ He mumbled. I could just about see where he was between myself and Dinah and Cathy.

‘Shut your mouth or I’ll…’ Cathy didn’t quite have an end to the sentence.

‘Do it darling.’ Laurie taunted her. ‘For the pair of us.’

Cathy suddenly stood up and I felt myself kick into gear, before she could shove the can down his throat and pump him full of crack sealer, I grabbed her arm.

‘What are you doing?’ She demanded. 

‘Cathy, think about what you’re doing.’ I begged her. ‘Really think.’

‘I’m gonna kill him!’

‘Cathy.’ Dinah was sitting up, she was coming around. ‘Listen to her.’

‘Dinah, he deserves this, for everything he’s done.’ It was Cathy’s turn to beg.

‘But you don’t deserve to live with that decision.’ I implored. ‘You’re sixteen Cathy, there’s a lot of life left for you. Trust me when I say, the journey is easier if it’s lighter.’ I slowly took the crack sealer out of her hands and looked over at Dinah. ‘One of the symptoms of PTSD… is memory loss.’ I told her. ‘Maybe… maybe I went home to grab some details, numbers for doctors… maybe I needed to go over it with Viv and heard she was home… I could have come over, just missed her, decided to wish Laurie well on his tour… had a laugh, had a drink…’ I indicated the whiskey. ‘Maybe I don’t remember after that…’

‘Anything could have happened.’ Dinah nodded.

‘Exactly.’ 

I looked down at Laurie who was definitely not waking up any time soon. 

‘It’ll have to be convincing.’ I told her. ‘We’ll clean the place down, I’ll take care of him, wait for someone to find me.’

‘No, no, you shouldn’t have to do this.’ Cathy said, kneeling down beside me.

‘Cathy, I’m a soldier,’ I told her. ‘Believe me, I’m carrying around enough weight that one more won’t make a difference… I’ll do it so you don’t have to, so that you never have to know what it’s like.’ I could feel tears streaming down my face, the images in my head were blurring, the screaming was getting louder and I didn’t know how to maintain control for much longer. 

‘Cathy, do as she says.’ Dinah backed me. 

She and Cathy got some cleaning equipment and started to wipe the place of their prints, replacing most of it with mine, it was entirely plausible that I could have touched anything in that room, but Cathy had no reason at all to be there. 

‘One more thing I need you to do,’ I turned to Dinah, who it seemed, had already caught onto what needed to be done. ‘A couple of broken ribs wouldn’t go amiss, maybe a black eye, enough to make it look like I might have been out for a while.’

‘Dinah what’s she talking about?’ Cathy said, worriedly. Dinah just looked at her, she hated what she was about to do, but it needed to be done.

‘Don’t use your hands,’ I told her. ‘Use the pedal or a drumstick, or anything else and then clean it down afterwards.’

Dinah nodded.

‘Dinah, what’s going on?’ Cathy exclaimed.

‘We need to make it look like Alice was attacked.’ She said, already choosing a blunt instrument. ‘Roll your sleeves up, take off any rings and find something to use.’

‘We’re going to hurt you.’ Cathy finally clocked onto what needed to be done.

‘It needs to look plausible, Cathy.’ I tried to make her understand. ‘One head wound on someone who was trained to deal with them and carry on, won’t be enough… start with the black eye, it’ll make breaking my ribs easier if I’m disorientated.’ 

‘Dinah, we can’t do this.’ Cathy begged, but Dinah was already standing with a drumstick in hand.

‘How’s your aim?’ I asked.

‘Not great.’ Dinah admitted.

‘Dinah, no.’ Cathy begged again.

‘Right here,’ I pointed to the spot on my cheek where it would be safest for her. ‘One sharp movement, don’t hesitate, it’ll start swelling and be good enough for the paramedics.’

‘What do I do after that?’ 

I took a deep breath and took my jacket off. ‘Then you just need to hit my ribcage, right here, three good hits should do it. It’ll only take about five or so minutes for me to fully lose consciousness and that’ll be enough time for me to take care of him and for you to get out of here.’ 

Dinah nodded and took a ready stance. I closed my eyes and braced for the first hit, to her credit it was a good one, it sent me straight to the ground, Dinah grabbed the broken guitar and with everything she had, she brought it hard down onto my side. I heard the crack after the second and by her hesitation, so did she. I could already taste blood, but I indicated one more to really do the job.

I was on the floor and could just about hear the sounds of Dinah and Cathy cleaning down the drumstick and guitar handle. I crawled over to Laurie’s body, while they ran, I could feel sand under my stomach, it was hot and I didn’t want to crawl anymore. I could hardly see. The door upstairs shut and I realised I was going to lose consciousness a lot sooner than I expected. 

I grabbed the closest thing to me, feeling the panic building. It was the crack sealer can, I had no choice. I shoved it down his throat and squeezed as hard as I could until he was fit to burst. I threw the can to one side and rolled back, it was over.


	15. Fallen On All Sides

Miller felt his heart dropping through the floor, the call was awful. Joy had never sounded so traumatised before, she was calling everyone in. 

He raced out of the van to find Alice was in the back of the ambulance, he wanted to go to her, but she looked as if she was breathing calmly and deeply, she looked like she’d been crying. 

‘Miller, she’s fine,’ Joy focussed him. ‘She’s just shaken. Let them do their job. We need to do ours.’

Miller felt himself shake to the core. Alice didn’t deserve this, she didn’t deserve to go through any more trauma. He made his way into Viv’s house and down to the basement where Laurie had been murdered. Miller cried, he did his job and set his boys loose on the scene, but he hated to look at an old friend this way.

He did what he could before going out to see Alice still in the back of the ambulance, she was giving a statement to Spike, but he couldn’t just leave her alone.

‘Alice.’ He said, finally reaching her. As soon as she looked up at him, she burst into tears, her face was swollen on one side, she had blood stained on the other and she was holding her waist like something was broken. ‘You’re okay.’ Miller immediately wrapped his arms around her. ‘You’re alright, you’re safe now, angel.’ He tried to be gentle, he tried to stroke her hair and kiss her head. ‘I’m right here.’ He told her. 

‘I can’t remember,’ she cried. ‘Why can’t I remember?’ 

‘It’s alright, it’s okay.’ Miller comforted her as much as he could, before the paramedics needed to get in and do their job. 

Spike took him to one side and told him what happened. ‘Joy found her crawling up the stairs, said she looked like she’d been out for a while before making her way up the stairs, did well to get to the landing considering the broken ribs.’ He said, quietly. ‘Joy said she was shouting for someone to get down, Alice kept repeating how sorry she was, that she didn’t mean for it to happen. She hasn’t been making much sense, but from what we can work out, she went home to get some things to go over with Viv concerning her temporary leave, she came over, must of just missed Viv, had a drink with Laurie before he goes on tour and that’s it, that’s the last thing she remembers.’

Miller nodded. ‘PTSD, she finds it hard to distinguish reality from her past sometimes, especially when she’s under stress. That’s why she took herself off the Christie Feeney case, reminded her too much of Baghdad and she couldn’t focus on the present… it’s very possible that the memories have been immediately supressed because they’re too traumatic to think about. You’ll just have to be patient with her… just keep telling her she’s safe, tell her that she’s still a good person, it’s the only thing I’ve found keeps her focussed long enough for her to make any sense.’

Spike just nodded and Miller could finally get back to the job in hand, feeling a little more settled about things. Spike would take care of her, he didn’t need to worry.

They could all hear the siren, the one single siren that told them Viv was outside, Miller went to the door, but he wasn’t sure he could hold his nerve.

‘Ma’am can I just say…’ he started, he tried not to let his voice crack, tried not to let himself weaken. ‘This is horrible business,’ it was no use, Laurie was gone in the most horrific way and he could have lost Alice as well. ‘This is officially fucking horrible business.’ Viv placed a hand on his shoulder and that was when he saw Alice, holding her side and limping over to him. Miller immediately held her upright.

‘I’m sorry Viv,’ she said, ‘I did all I could, but… I can’t remember, I’m so sorry.’ Alice cried and Viv’s face just screamed pain, she placed another hand on Alice, trying to comfort her, before going inside her house and down to McLaren. 

‘Come on, angel,’ Miller tried to be strong for Alice. ‘Come on, you need to get to the hospital… you’ve done all you can.’

‘I’ll take her.’ Tegan stepped in and carefully pried Alice away from him. ‘It’s alright, I’ve got you.’ She said, Alice was still crying, it must have been killing her ribs, but she was fucking brave. 

‘I’ll come and see you when I get the chance, yeah?’ Miller told her. ‘The second I can, I will, alright?’ 

She was far too focussed on the pain to really hear him and through some unforeseen force in him, Miller quickly caught up to where they had been limping away. He stopped them gently, before sliding his hand ever so delicately over her cheek and placing the softest of kisses to her lips. He could taste the salty tears, but he didn’t care in the slightest, she was still beautiful to him.

‘You’re still my angel,’ he whispered. ‘I still love you with everything I have.’ He placed one more chaste kiss to her shaking lips. ‘Go and get better, not for me, not for anyone else, but for you, call me if you need me… and when you come back, we’ll figure everything out, yeah?’

‘Okay.’ She breathed. 

He pulled back enough to give her the best smile he was capable of, before kissing her forehead. Tegan just gave him a thankful smile before helping her to the ambulance, he watched her every step of the way, knowing full well that this could have been the last time he ever saw her. She may have gotten the help she needed and decided she needed closure on her time in Manchester, she may have gone back to London and forgotten about all of them, maybe that was for the best given everything. As long as she was happy, that was all Miller needed.


End file.
